If you’re anything like us, your days are plagued by an all-consuming curiosity, a burning need to know the answer to life’s most important and immediate question…
If I were a Champions League football team, which team would I be?
Are you more Real Madrid or Atletico Madrid? Is the bedroom of your mind painted Neapolitan blue or Bavarian red? The answer to this troubling psychological conundrum is FINALLY here.
You like the finer things in life. Your parents were rich, your parents’ parents were rich, and your parents’ parents’ parents were rich.
You’ve always had shoes that all your mates wanted but couldn’t afford, you bought a blacked-out Land Rover Defender before you passed your driving test, and you’re annoyingly naturally athletic.
Everyone hates you but you don’t care – you just keep winning, baby, and everyone else can do one.
Crazy Reactions to Jude Bellingham late winner goal vs Union Berlin pic.twitter.com/UnMIbcRjSf
— Madri33d_Central (@Madri33d) September 20, 2023
Your bedroom is an absolute state. The f*cking state of your bedroom! You haven’t seen sunlight since February 2020, the only thing higher than your electricity bill is your blood pressure.
You’re in the top 2% in the world on Ultimate Team, you’ve smashed five PlayStation controllers this calendar year, and there’s a CCTV picture of you in the window of CEX.
You have a younger sibling who shares their favourite toys with you, and you give them absolutely nothing in return. That’s not very nice of you, is it?
Likes: Birds, traditional values, fire.
Dislikes: Wolves, virtue signalling, weakness.
Your best mate turned up to the pub in a dope jacket they found in a thrifty. You bought it from them.
Your brother found a Roman coin with a metal detector down the park. You bought the coin and his metal detector. Your aunt’s pet cat — bought it.
Your colleague’s prescription glasses — you don’t even like them and you can’t see through them but you bought them anyway. Your colleague can’t see now. They can’t afford a guide dog and they can’t read braille. Hope you’re happy.
You’re a person full of potential. You’re a well-balanced individual with many strings to your bow. You do insist on taking your pet snake with you everywhere, and that’s quite weird, actually, mate.
You also share a bed with your twin brother. You’re an adult. It’s not on, really. Where does the snake sleep?
You work 80 hours per week because you are f*cking petrified of your boss. You suspect he’s killed and that he will kill again. If you just keep giving 110%, maybe the boss will like you and maybe everything will be alright. Maybe.
You are fire, you are passion, you are a simmering volcano, you are the indignant, screaming voice of the people, you are still absolutely hanging out of your arse after much heavy partying last summer. But what a summer. Totally worth it.
Your favourite thing is spending other people’s money. You’ve got the chip from mummy and daddy’s credit card sewn into your skin.
You live for the moment because tomorrow isn’t real. You’ll never have to face the consequences of your actions, will you?
You’ve given rousing speeches at wedding after wedding, after wedding over the past couple of decades. You are still single. This year could be the year…
Times are good for you, right now. Everything you love is in the ascendency. Usher played the Super Bowl halftime show, and low-rise jeans and cargo pants are cool again.
You’ve got your Livestrong band ready and waiting for its moment, and you’ve got your top 8 friends drafted in your notes app because MySpace never died, as far as you’re concerned.
It’s 2004 forever, baby!
You are loyalty personified. Still got the same footy boots you bought first year of uni, held together with duct tape and glue. No need to change — they still do the job.
Are you gonna set the world alight in them? Probably not, no, but you know what you like and you like what you know.
Your partner left you for the person she told you not to worry about. You’ve taken it badly. It’s destroyed you, actually. Chin up. Your time will come.
You’re the school bully who reigned supreme, then went off to uni and realised there’s always a bigger bully. An important lesson to learn.
You’re that guy who throws regular parties for their neighbours. You’re hoping for a Come Dine With Me situation where you all go to each other’s places and cook for each other, but nobody’s picking up on the hints you’re throwing down.
“Oat milk latte, please, buddy. Yeah, just going to head over to the flower market to pick up a little friend for my peace lily because she’s looking a little lonely.
I just think if a plant is lonely, it brings a sort of sad energy into a space, you know? Yeah, so gonna do that and then maybe hit up a warehouse rave and just get off my nut on mandy.
“You should check it out, man. There’s a basket weaving workshop before it all kicks off.”
No, thank you. That’s £87.50, just tap your card on the reader.
You went to Bounce with your colleagues after work last Friday. Didn’t speak to anyone, just spent all night systematically hammering people at ping pong. Everybody hates you, but you don’t care.
You’d rather win two games of ping pong than have a meaningful friendship anyway.