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The only way is up, Chris.

Move over Woodgate – Chris Smalling has made the worst debut in football history

Michael Lee •

As creatures conditioned to be social for the benefit of our survival, at least in theory, most human beings want to make a good impression on their first day in a new job.

Everybody tends to put their best foot forward, making an effort with the clothes they wear and going out of their way to make eye contact and smile against every fibre of their normal selves.

But there is one overriding thought for most people on their first day – don’t f*ck up. Unfortunately, Chris Smalling never got that memo.

Even in our job as dedicated football writers, we must admit we missed Smalling’s post-deadline day move from Roma to Al-Fayha. The 34-year-old was seemingly unwanted by Daniele De Rossi in Rome despite five years of stellar service for the Serie A club.

No matter. In the autumn of his career, Smalling had earned the right to a bumper payday before hanging up his boots and becoming Sky Sports’ token Fulham pundit. A two-year deal in Saudi could see him jump into a metaphorical pool of gold coins.

But the former England defender took just five minutes of his debut to kickstart the football equivalent of walking into a new office, defecating on the bosses’ desk and asking his married daughter out for drinks.

Opponents Al Raed were winless in the Saudi Pro League before meeting Smalling and Al-Fayha, but were ahead early as the former United man thumped a low cross into his own goal with the elan of a prolific forward.

Some will argue Smalling could do little with the speed of the cross, while others will say he showed the reaction time of a stoned sloth and failed to sort his feet out quickly enough. Both are right.

The bowed head and look of resignation was appropriate in the circumstances, but Smalling would have to performatively sacrifice himself to atone for what was to follow.

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Al-Fayha conceded two more goals before the break, before Smalling was shown a straight red card for denying a goalscoring opportunity early in the second half.

Somewhere in the north east of England, Jonathan Woodgate opened a cold beer and emitted a satisfied sigh; he finally has company in the pantheon of worst debuts in football history.

Al-Fayha would go on to lose 5-0, their third defeat of the season and have already conceded 10 goals. At least Real Madrid rallied to win despite Woodgate’s best efforts in 2005.

After his move to Al Fayha became official, Smalling penned an emotional message on his Instagram profile.

“When we arrived in Rome in 2019, my family and I were greeted with kindness and warmth,” he wrote.

“You immediately made me feel at home in Rome. With the birth of my son, the city will forever have a special place in my heart. But all the good stories are bound to end and it’s time for me to let go.

“My love and admiration for AS Roma will remain forever.”

It’s possible that Smalling will need go above and beyond to win the admiration of his new club after a debut that can be safely filed under the category of ‘disastrous’.

First impressions have an unfortunate habit of sticking. Smalling will hope to buck that trend.

By Michael Lee

Saudi Arabia