Harry Kane <3 America

9 of Europe’s top ballers that we believe are destined to tear up the MLS

Hands up if you foresaw Matty Longstaff making the move across the Atlantic to Toronto FC. Put it down. Put your hand down. A completely random transfer. But for some, Major League Soccer is inescapable.

There are players out there for whom there are only three certainties in life: Death, taxes, and MLS. There was a time when that might sound like a dig, but that’s simply no longer the case in 2024.

Ballers like Lorenzo Insigne, Riqui Puig, and Carlos Vela all chose to swap cappuccino and paella for Americano and chocolate that tastes like vomit well before their best days were behind them.

Now, MLS boasts arguably the greatest footballer ever to kick a ball — Matty is gonna tear it up in Ontario and, no doubt, raise MLS’s profile still further. He’s not the only Major League superstar, though.

There are also a few serviceable players down in Miami — Leo Messi and half of Barcelona’s 2010s team of futbol megafreaks are kind of a big deal, we suppose.

Here are nine more ballers we reckon have MLS written in their stars.

Harry Kane

If Harry Kane was your mate, he’d be that lad down the pub who watches too much American telly and starts speaking with a weird, mid-Atlantic accent. Calls defence ‘D-Fence’ and says things like, “Remember when Arsenal went 26, 12, and 0 in 2004-05?”

Kane has often expressed his desire to be an NFL kicker one day and, you know what? He’d probably be bloody good at it, too. Harry loves America, and we reckon America would love Harry.

Antoine Griezmann

The Little Prince has stated multiple times that he wants to play in MLS. It feels so right. Griezmann oozes MLS.

If we end up living in a world in which Antoine hasn’t seen out his Atleti contract (which is up in 2026), spent a couple of years enrapturing crowds in Los Angeles, doing little TikTok dances and sh*t when he scores, then something has gone horribly wrong.

Memphis Depay

Ginormous MLS energy radiates from every cell of Depay’s body, and the man is called Memphis.

There’s a phrase for it when your name seemingly determines the course of your life e.g. the firefighter Les McBurney or the clinical neurologist Lord Brain (both real). It’s called nominative determinism.

Depay is cosmically tied to MLS, mark our words.

Adama Traore

We don’t think Adama will end up in MLS, but he will end up in the USA. The Spaniard is going to be the first active Premier League footballer to be drafted to an NFL team as a running back.

Oiled up to within an inch of his life, biceps competing with triceps in a race to explode, big helmet on his noggin, playing American football the same we he plays actual football — pure chaos.

LONDON, UK - 29th Aug 2023: Adama Traore of Fulham FC looks on during the EFL Cup second round match between Fulham FC and Tottenham Hotspur at Crave

Mahomes hands it off to Adama, Adama finds the seam, TOUCHDOWN CHIEFS!

Dan Burn

Deputy Dan Burn loves two things: Newcastle United, and the Wild f*cking West.

Blythe’s favourite son is adored by Eddie Howe, but he’ll be 32 this year and the Magpies are likely to target a long-term replacement, or else finally bring Lewis Hall into the fold.

A career as a frontier outlaw-cum-versatile defender beckons. There ain’t no glory in the West, but there is Daniel Johnson Burn.


A calm and classy Italian deep-lying midfielder swapping Europe for New York City… it’s happened before. We’re calling it. You owe us £20 if Jorginho is regularly finishing games with 100% pass completion in MLS by 2026.


He might be in Saudi for now, but Neymar Jr is MLS through and through. We’re giving it a year before the shiny lure of America tempts the Brazilian a bit closer to home, and a bit closer to his sister’s birthday parties.

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Alexis Sanchez

Can’t believe he’s not already there. Might start a petition.

Romelu Lukaku

One more season at Daniele De Rossi’s Roman revolution, Big Rom and Tammy leading the Giallorossi to a dark horse Champions League title, then it’s off to the States to smash some goalscoring records and traumatise some D-Fences. Inevitable.

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