9 actors we’d love to see playing big-name football managers in future films

Last week, news broke that Steve Coogan is set to portray Mick McCarthy in a film about the then-Irish manager’s infamous clash with Roy Keane before the 2002 World Cup. This feels like football fans being rewarded for something nice we did in a past life.

So many questions: Will they use prosthetics for the iconic broken nose? Will any of the people involved play themselves in the film? Will Roy or Mick make a cameo? Just how much is Eanna Hardwicke (who is playing Keane) going to relish delivering the line, “You can stick it up your bollocks.”?

This got us thinking about who we’d like to play various high-profile football managers should a film ever be made about their respective lives.

Bryan Cranston – Sean Dyche

We already know Cranston can rock a disc beard from his time in Breaking Bad, and that’s crucial for anyone hoping to do justice to the role of Dyche.

Furthermore (haven’t used that word since the first year of uni but here we are), Cranston just seems like the type to fully dive into the role.

Worms for breakfast, worms for dinner, worms for tea. Listening to only Dychey-approved music: Pink, Rihanna, Kasabian, Inspiral Carpets, The Happy Mondays and Metallica on repeat.

Fully committing to traditional squad numbers, months of just sticking it in the f*cking mixer before shooting even begins.

In Cranston’s mind, tiki-taka is a cancer and the hallowed turf pitches of the Premier League are his meth lab.

Robert Downey Jr. – Jose Mourinho

For Jose, we need someone who knows what it is to arrive a hero, lauded by all, repeatedly saving the say and leading those around you to greatness, only to go away for a little while and then return to your little universe as an arch-villain.

It is our understanding that Robert Downey Jr. is currently doing just that in the Marvel universe…? Kind of like Mourinho in the Premier League?

Do you see what we’re driving at here? Hmm. Maybe we should’ve just included the Andy Serkis/Steve Cooper one. Could’ve done something about avoiding relegation: “Mustn’t go that way! Mustn’t hurt the Precious!” Something like that. Ah, well…

Glenn Close – Neil Warnock

We’re just saying, a bit of make-up and a £2.oo haircut and it could be done. Close is a superb actress and we reckon she’d do Warnock proud.

Warnock often enjoys portraying himself as a bit of a pantomime villain, and Glenn Close literally played Cruella de Vil.

Now, we’re not for one second suggesting that Neil Warnock wants to skin a sh*tload of puppies to make some sort of elaborate tracksuit (he gives us big dog-lover vibes), we just think Close could do a good Warnock, that’s all. Cheers.

Sean Bean – Sam Allardyce

Sean Bean is one of Yorkshire’s favourite sons—a Sheffield lad from the same honest roots as Jarvis Cocker and The Arctic Monkeys.

Allardyce isn’t really Northern at all—born and raised in the West Midlands, on the Old Park Farm estate in Dudley. Sam Allardyce has big Northern energy, though, and we think Bean would smash it.

If we were a production company, and you pitched to us a film based on Big Sam’s rise up the football management ladder, incorporating that iconic Bolton team, and culminating in him getting the England job and ultimately being foiled by an undercover reporter and a pint of wine, we would bite your hands off and get on the blower to Beany immediately, you bastard.

READ NEXT: Ranking football commentators by how much we’d fancy a pint with them

TRY A QUIZ: Can you name the 19 managers to have taken charge of 300+ Premier League games?

John Leguizamo – Diego Simeone

Tybalt Capulet in Baz Luhrmann’s 1996 adaptation of Romeo & Juliet has more than a touch of the Simeones about him. The King of Cats all dressed in black, antagonising the protagonists of La Liga and fair Verona alike.

Our dream Simeone press conference goes as follows:

Reporter: Diego, do you think Atletico and Real Madrid will ever put their differences behind them and bring peace to the Spanish capital?

Simeone: Peace? Peace… I hate the word, as I hate hell, all Galacticos, and thee.

Keanu Reeves – Unai Emery

Keanu Reeves famously ages one year for every decade the rest of us age.

He was born into our physical universe but on a lightly different plain of time/space, causing the telomeres at the end of his chromosomes to be lengthier than an average human, meaning that his actual cells have a longer lifespan than the rest of us, hence the seemingly eternal youthfulness.

You who else are immune to ageing? Vampires. Unai Emery is a vampire. Get Keanu in.

Note: We have no evidence to support our allegation of Emery’s vampirism, nor do we know anything about the telomeric structure or genetic makeup of Keanu Reeves’ DNA.

Marlon Brando – Carlo Ancelotti

Obviously. The Godfather. Joselu in the Al Pacino role. Done deal.

TRY A QUIZ: Can you name Carlo Ancelotti’s 25 most-used players in his career?

Robin Williams – Claudio Ranieri

It would’ve been glorious. Robin Williams giving the dilly-ding dilly-dong speech. Williams re-enacting “Oh fuck, Claudio! Why? Why?! Bad Tinkerman!” Williams sizing up Jamie Vardy, “This is not a footballer. This is a fantastic horse.”

God, it would be good. Ranieri himself was once asked who he’d like to play him in a film, and he opted for Robert de Niro.

Well, this is our film, and we’re going back in time to hand a script to Robin Williams. Sorry, Claudio.

Michael Caine – Roy Hodgson

Moy naime, is Roy… Hodgson. Be like a duck, my mother used to tell me. Remain calm on the surfiss, and paddle like ‘ell ahnderneef.

If Roy had been Bruce Wayne’s butler, Bruce would never have become Batman. He would’ve finished exactly 12th in the Premier League and secured himself a move to a top-six club on a lovely five-year contract.

Gotham City Police Department would’ve had to actually earn their wages and, honestly, it would be about time. Absolutely stealing a living, them lot.