A forensic analysis into how 15 celebrities would fare as football commentators
Noel Gallagher’s commentary debut as Manchester City lost 4-1 to Sporting has us thinking – how would other celebrities fare up on the gantry?
Everyone is quick to judge a commentator and insist that they’d do a better job and we assume some of the world’s biggest celebs are no different. They are human, after all.
Because these poor souls simply don’t get enough opportunity or wealth as it is, we’ve given an imaginary football commentary gig to some of the world’s most recognisable names and assessed how they’d perform.
Liam Gallagher
We’ve had Noel, so it’d be rude for us to not give Liam a go, wouldn’t it?
The Mighty I behaved himself wedged between Darren Fletcher and Ally McCoist away in Lisbon, but we don’t think Liam would quite be able to bite his tongue.
Swear words galore, colourful opinions on players, managers, whoever is in sight. And if he’s left to stew for long enough, Noel would probably get it too, bringing an end to that Oasis reunion.
Jess Glynne
From Headshrinker to headache. Sorry Jess, we don’t mean that. But your Jet 2 adverts are mildly infuriating.
It’s for that reason alone we believe she’d be kicked off the gantry in record time for aeroplane-induced PTSD.
Paddy McGuinness
Let the off, see the side. No likey? Tough sh*t – VAR says no goal.
Horrific puns aside, we’d love McGuinness on commentary. He’d make a Carabao Cup third round penalty shootout on a grim Wednesday night feel box office.
Inevitably popular with the northern crowd, Bolton’s very own has also gone nationwide and could bridge the gap. Soccer Saturday, Super Sunday, European fixtures – give him the lot.
Bradley Walsh
Starts off well, but loses it at the very first mention of Jizz Horncamp and never recovers. Back to The Chase, Bradley.
Morgan Freeman
No explanation needed. This man could have us on the edge of our seat even for a textbook England score draw away in Montenegro in that horrific November international break.
Give us lovely Morgan and his buttery, buttery voice ASAP.
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Adele
Could go either way, this. Adele is obviously brilliant. Like national treasure stuff. She’s also rather hilarious when not belting out anthems.
However, you can’t give Adele a live microphone and not request a ballad or two. Certainly not if she’s sat next to McCoist.
The issue? We’re scared of it getting a bit Peter Drury.
Peter Kay
Whoooooooooooo remembers Masters Football? What were all that about? Something something garlic bread.
Sorry Peter, it’s not gonna happen. Unless he reunites with McGuinness and they go full magnet and steel. Then we’re in.
Gordon Ramsey
He’s a weird one, is Gordon. Could be box office, or could just as easily be catastrophic.
If we make sure to serve him an awful steak in the media room beforehand, or perhaps throw a plate of uncooked chicken in front of him, it should rile him up enough so that he forgets the high-performance nonsense while on the gantry.
Steven Bartlett
Speaking of high-performance nonsense…
Absolutely not. Never. We’d request government intervention, actually. Your humble Planet Football writer would sooner rather drown in Huel.
Olly Murs
Pop culture’s answer to Jermaine Jenas – gets where water doesn’t.
Seriously, who on earth would want to hear that, other than Olly Murs himself?
If it happens, though, please just keep the Pringles cans out of reach. For the benefit of everybody.
Gary Barlow
Your mum is keen for this. Too keen. Never seen anyone so excited for an FA Cup fourth round replay on a brisk Tuesday evening. Corrie getting put on the backburner and everything.
Unfortuately for mums across the nation, we’ve a strong feeling that our Gary would storm off after the very first attempt at a ‘Take That’ pun from his co-commentator.
Just kidding. Whatever we said, Gary, whatever we did, we didn’t mean it.
Maya Jama
Enough negativity. This is an all-timer shout. Unofficial queen of the United Kingdom, Jama has it all.
Done it on the grandest stage of them all holding it down on Love Island and has the charisma to go play-by-play with anyone. Make it happen ASAP.
We’d also bet that she has more common sense when it comes to trans rights compared to a certain football broadcaster on telly right now. We prefer not to speak.
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Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond & James May
Find us an OG Top Gear hater and we’ll refer them to the nearest hospital. Even those not remotely interested in cars have found themselves hooked on a special at some point. These three transcend generation, social class, gender – the lot.
Amazon have already had the band back together once. Send them on a trip into Europe for the Champions League and watch the Prime subscriptions double.
Give them a blank cheque and make it happen, for God’s sake.
Paul Mescal
We get it, Paul. You’re a handsome bastard. Just get on our screens, take a punditry job and put us out of our misery.
Wasted behind the microphone and not on-screen. Would probably be sat up on the gantry in his little shorts showing off how good looking he is.
Joke’s on him- he’d be freezing.
David Attenborough
National hero. Instant win. Nobody would ever slag off commentators ever again if our David took to the gantry.
Just make sure we don’t give him games when it’s cold and dark – he deserves better than that.