Follow our nine commandments for a happy life in football fandom.

9 cardinal sins of football fandom: Loanees, half-and-half scarves, Stone Island…

Being a football fan can be a joyous experience. It can also be f*cking awful.

There are certain unwritten rules to abide by if you want a pleasant life in football. We all know them innately, in our very bones, but we feel like some of you could use a refresher.

Scroll on down as we deliver unto you, from the football gods upon high, nine commandments to live your life by as a self-respecting football fan.

Thou shalt not get the name and number of a loan player printed on your replica shirt.

This reeks of small club energy. If you’re going to insist on having a name and number on your shirt, there are players at your club who have served the team loyally for years. Club legends giving perfectly adequate 7/10 performances week in, week out, who deserve more love.

No matter how exciting your January loan signing is, no matter how confident you are that they’ll sign permanently, you mustn’t commit their name to iron-on plastic lettering.

Yes, Mikel Merino had vision and passing ability you’d rarely witnessed, but he will sign, he will leave after a few games, and he will break your heart, leaving you with a black and white shirt of sadness.

Thou shalt not wear a half-and-half scarf.

You’re there to support your team. Harmony between opposing sets of fans is a beautiful thing, but passion for your team is what keeps the game alive. This is not the NFL.

We’re sorry if you’re an eleven-year-old reading this and feeling ashamed of your prized Manchester United v Chelsea scarf, but we are going to need you to grow up, please.

Thou shalt not join an [Insert manager’s name] Out social media campaign after qualifying for the Champions League in nineteen successive seasons.

You know who you are.

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Thou shalt not get the badge in.

You know when you see a small child base their whole personality around a film they’ve just seen—Harry Potter or Frozen or whatever it may be—and you think, “bless them, they’ll grow out of that soon.” That’s you with Green Street.

Thou shalt not make a sign asking for a player’s shirt and give it to a small child to hold.

Lowest of the low. When we come into power at FIFA, there will be stadium bans waiting for anyone caught using their own child to acquire a sweaty football shirt, only to sell it on eBay three hours later.

There is a special place in Hell for you.

A small child offers his actual mother in return for Bruno Guimaraes’ shirt.

Thou shalt not curse your team.

“Tell you what, I fancy us today.” — A certain loss.
“Well, that’s game over.” When you’re 2-0 up after 37 minutes. — It is not game over and you’ve just rubberstamped a 3-2 loss for your team in the 98th minute.
“He’s sh*te, him.” Referring to an opposition striker. — First half hatty incoming.

Thou shalt not be a full kit w*nker.

If you rock up Power League in the shirt, shorts, and socks of any given team, and you’re a grown adult, you are fair game for whatever taunts and jibes come your way. That’s just the way it is, unfortunately.

Thou shalt not hit the SIIUUUUU!!!

Jesus Christ, just stop it.

Thou shalt not leave the match before the final whistle.

Unless you need to attend the birth of your first child, or you’ve got the kind of explosive diarrhoea that only a pre-match hot dog can and a cup of Bovril can create, you had better stay put until that final whistle goes, hadn’t you?

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