9 absolutely mental footballer products to rival Riyaz Mahrez’s RM26 app
Riyad Mahrez has finally done it. He has succeeded where Payphone Finder, Is It Dark Outside? and that virtual pint thing that made it look like your phone was full of beer failed — he has released the world’s most pointless smartphone app.
‘RM26’ is an app that lets you know what’s going on in Mahrez’s everyday life. Like Instagram… We’ve put our heads together and spent an entire morning trying to figure out who, in the name of all that is holy, might give even half a f*ck.
We got nothing. Deranged behaviour. Can’t get over it.
At first, we thought it must’ve been the brainchild of an agent or PR manager, but the homepage of the app says it was “specially designed by Riyad Mahrez” himself. Holy sh*t.
Instead of trying to wrap our heads around it all, we decided to come up with football-related creations that might be even more niche than RM26. Which one would you take into the Dragon’s Den?
Mercuri-oil: Protein-infused baby oil by Adama Traore
This oil is laced with hagfish slime making it extra slippy, with protein that’s been biochemically engineered to be absorbed through your skin and directly into your muscles. Opposition defenders won’t be able to grab you as you fly past them at a trillion miles per hour, and you will finish the game more stacked than you started it.
*** NOT FOR USE ON ACTUAL BABIES***
No Shots: Tequila by William Saliba
Do do do do do do do do. Do do do do do do do. Do do do do do do do do. Do do do do do do do. Do do do dooooooo do. Do do do doooooooo do. Do do do doooooooo do. Do do do do do do do.
SALIBA!
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Truth or Death: A Vardy Product
A lie detector that fits to your chest which, if it detects a change in heart rate whilst you’re speaking, explodes, and you f*cking die. Chat sh*t, get banged.
Random Nutmeg Delivery Service by Bruno Guimaraes
A subscription service that delivers nutmeg to you at the most unexpected and inappropriate times possible. You don’t need the nutmeg, you don’t know what to do with the nutmeg, but you’ve got the nutmeg now. Stay on your toes.
Wingman: An app by Kevin de Bruyne
You’re thinking, “Kevin de Bruyne’s not a winger, you idiots.” Yeah, we know. This is an app designed to provide you with the ideal pick up line for anyone struggling for the right words when you find yourself attracted to someone. You input a few key details, and the app tells you what to say. Another perfect assist for an easy tap-in.
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The Milner Sutra
James Milner teaches you how to give you a 7/10 performance in every conceivable position.
NEAL THAT’S WHAT I CALL MUSIC 7
A compilation of below-average electronic dance music tracks characterized by a repetitive four-on-the-floor beat and a typical tempo of 120-130 beats per minute as a re-emergence of 1970s disco.
It’s Neal Maupay’s sh*t house music.
James Maddison Darts Shirts
We’ve done a quick check online and, as far as we can see, these somehow don’t exist yet. Planet Football patent pending. If you design and sell one of these you owe us a million quid — we will get the lawyers involved.
Tactical Hair Gel by Roberto de Zerbi
This revolutionary product allows you to have wet-look spiky hair like the main man himself, and automatically arranges the spikes of your hair into a formation that suits your look that day.
A shirt and tie? 4-4-2.
1950s vintage style? W-M
Big on jewellery? Diamond formation on your noggin.
Winter jumper? Christmas tree formation.
Don’t ask us how it works — we’re just ideas people. Leave the science to the scientists.
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