35 of the most punchable faces in football in 2024: Ronaldo, Romano, Arteta…

I want to preface this article by saying I don’t actually want to punch anybody in the face. I’m not a violent man and I don’t condone violence. Instead, I am going to treat this as an opportunity to air a whole lot of grievances I have with people I’ve never met.

You’ll notice I’m using the first-person singular. That’s because this list is personal to me (Andrew). If you don’t see the name of a YouTuber you love to hate or a talkSPORT host who riles you, that’s because I simply don’t know who they are. I’m pushing 34 years old—I don’t know what KSI stands for, and I couldn’t give a f*ck.

Everyone is redeemable and my silly opinions count for zilch, so if you’re reading this and you feature on the list, I’m sorry—it’s a bit of fun, I’ll buy you a pint. Except for one or two of you. You know who you are, you pr*cks.

35. Neal Maupay

I actually kind of love Neal Maupay but I know if he plays against Newcastle later in the season he’s going to do something that makes me hate him.

34. IShowSpeed/Speed

Remember when I said there weren’t going to be any YouTubers on this list? Someone mentioned this kid to me and I remembered seeing some of his videos that made me feel unwell. His real name is Darren. Darren.

He’s 19 years old and apparently he’s worth about $10,000,000. I had a Tesco meal deal for lunch. Speed is on this list because I’m jealous of him.

33. Richard Keys

I almost didn’t want to include Keysey because he’s so undeniably entertaining. I must keep reminding myself that he is entertaining because he’s an absolute doylem, though. He remains on the list.

READ: Analysing every hidden vendetta in Richard Keys’ 2024-25 predictions

32. Marc Cucurella

I felt a bit sorry for Marc Cucurella before the Euros. Always thought he caught a lot of unnecessary flack, even from his own club’s fans. My opinion has since changed.

31. Tom Skinner

I don’t really know who this bloke is but I saw a video of him chatting about football in a greasy spoon, wearing a flat cap, trying to be some sort of boss-level cockney. The bloke is younger than me and wearing a flat cap like what my grandad used to wear. Sus behaviour.

30. Todd Boehly

Feels a bit cheeky to just treat a Premier League football club like a toy, collecting players like trading cards to the ultimate detriment of that team.

29. Mikel Arteta

I just want to see if his hair would move when his head wobbled.

28. Jamie Vardy

I also sort of think Jamie Vardy’s antics are class but, again, I simply know I’m going to be burned by them again at some point in the near future, especially now he’s back in the Premier League.

27. Emi Martinez

See the entries for both Jamie Vardy and Neal Maupay.

26. Erik ten Hag

I don’t know what it is with Ten Hag. He looks like he might be mean. I think I’d be scared of him if he was my boss. Chilling eyes set deep in his cranium.

25. Jordan Pickford

England’s No. 1 was once mean to one of my friends when we were younger. He also had boots that said ‘Get the rave on’, and they were the sort of boys who would call me a goth because I wore a Sum 41 hoodie on mufti day.

24. Fabrizio Romano

Man has been catchphrase-cucked by a bunch of kids. You hate to see it…

23. Cristiano Ronaldo

Just an exceptionally dislikeable man. There’s the borderline sociopathic individualism, the narcissism, the constant tears—never for someone else, always due to his own failure to win a particular trophy. All that SIUUUUUUU stuff. You’re an adult, mate. You’re 39 years old.

22. Kai Havertz

He once nearly snapped Sean Longstaff’s shin in half and somehow escaped without a red card. I can never forgive him. Look how he tried to massacre my boy!

21. Michael Owen

He doesn’t speak about his time at Newcastle United. I was there, and I think that’s probably for the best. He’s also dull. I started watching films because I saw that Michael Owen doesn’t.

READ: 17 brilliantly banal Michael Owen quotes when he’s not selling a book

20. Bruno Fernandes

Fernandes is far less odious than his teammate Antony, but he is whingey. Always whinging. Annoyingly good at football but one whingey bastard.

19. Antonio Conte

Those eyes are cold. So cold. The hairpiece/wig/weave/toupe—whatever it is—somehow makes him more frightening. It shouldn’t. It should make a person less intimidating. This one doesn’t. I’m so scared of Antonio Conte.

18. Mykhailo Mudryk

Those blue butterfly neck tattoos give me both sleep paralysis and tuberculosis.

READ NEXT: 5 footballers who humiliatingly ate their words: Cucurella, Ronaldo, Neymar…

TRY A QUIZ: Planet Football’s ultimate Premier League quiz: 30 questions to test your knowledge

17. Rodri

I don’t know what it is about Rodri. I think it might be because he’s just really good at football and always seems to get away with committing foul after foul without getting booked.

You can also guarantee he’s going to appear at the edge of the box to score a 97th-minute winner in any given match, just to piss on some poor team’s parade.

16. Robbie Savage

People have taken the Michael out of Robbie Savage’s hair a lot over the years, but that is founded entirely upon jealousy. The bloke’s hair has fairly regularly been nothing short of beautiful, so stop embarrassing yourselves.

The outfits, though. F*cking hell, Robbie. Please put a pair of socks on, lad. You’ve got kids.

15. Rio Ferdinand

That whole stepping-over-the-Real-Madrid-emblem thing was the final nail in the coffin as far as I’m concerned.

14. Frank Lampard

Ah he’s alright, Lamps, isn’t he? Just one of the lads haha. Nah but seriously I can’t be doing with him. looks like he has nasty lager farts too.

13. Craig Pawson

Pawson was the referee for Newcastle v Southampton in the first game of the 2024-25 season: See Ben Ben Brereton Diaz’s entry in this list.

12. Ben Brereton Diaz

I hate this man more than anyone on Earth right now. He ASSAULTED Fabian Schar by blindsiding him with a bodycheck after the whistle had already been blown for a foul on Bruno Guimaraes, he then headbutted my sweet Swiss prince, and threw himself to the ground screaming bloody murder to get Fabi sent off. Ben Brereton Diaz, you almost ruined my weekend, you absolute bastard.

11. Gianni Infantino

You can’t be saying “Today, I feel gay. Today, I feel disabled.” etc. and not expecting to find yourself on this list. Sort it out, Gianni, lad.

10. Carlos Corberan

He was mean to my friend one time. He’s on the list.

9. Jamie Carragher

Carragher gives me the vibes of a man who would have four pints of Madri and start challenging you to a competition to see who can do the most press-ups. It’s an uncomfortable vibe and I want no part of it. I’d also beat him.

TRY A QUIZ: Can you name every player to have scored 5+ own goals in the Premier League?

8. Danny Murphy

I just feel like he’d be more at home down the bingo.

7. Paul Scholes

It’s the toe thing. Can’t get past it, can’t unsee it.

6. Enzo Fernandez

Well… There was the bus song thing…

5. Jermaine Jenas

I see Jermaine Jenas’ face everywhere I go, and everywhere I see Jermaine Jenas’ face, I wish I wasn’t. I do want to find out who his agent is, though, because, f*ck me, what a job they’re doing.

4. Antony

I’m not even going to bother justifying this one.

3. Everyone who’s ever set foot in Stockley Park

You are making my weekends infinitely worse. I used to be frustrated at one person with a whistle, but at least I could forgive them for their human inadequacies.

Now I’m furious at a bunch of people in a bunker somewhere, watching exactly the same footage I’m watching and invariably reaching the wrong conclusion.

2. Matt Le Tissier

Brilliant penalty taker, but he did once publish a tweet in relation to enforced mask-wearing at the peak of the pandemic which read thusly: “The people who hid Anne Frank were breaking the law. The people who killed her were following it.”

The implication being that if you wear a mask to help (as was scientifically proven) reduce the transmission of COVID-19, you’re a… Nazi?

Let’s get you off to bed, Matthew.

READ: 14 of Matt Le Tissier’s wildest conspiracy theories: Weather, Bill Gates, communist takeovers…

1. Joey Barton

Obviously.