A pint with Ally would be a great evening, it really would.

Ranking football commentators by how much we’d fancy a pint with them

Imagine having a commentator for your daily life. Martin Tyler reeling off stats about your current form when it comes to bowel movements, Guy Mowbray giving important context to the way you make a cup of tea… It would be amusing for a half an hour. Then you’re getting irritated.

Having your whole life commentated upon on would be a sort of living hell, but we reckon we could manage a pint. We’d really enjoy going for a pint with some of the nation’s favourite football commentators.

We’ve taken a selection of your favourite commentators and ranked them in order of how much we’d like to go for a swift one down the local with them. Because why not?

13. Peter Drury

You’re having a rough night with Drury. No peace. He’s gone up to the bar and asked for: “Liquid gold, milked from England’s heaving bosom. The very lifeblood of the working man. A Thursday treat hinting at a weekend FOR THE AGES. George Orwell spun tapestries of language, ink on paper, about The Moon Under Water, but, here, right at this very moment, in The Dog & Bell, is there any place on Earth you’d rather be?”

You’re out the door. He won’t notice for another twenty minutes.

12. Jonathan Pearce

Pearce is getting aggy with the staff. You’re on edge. Could get barred at any moment. He goes to cool off in the toilets, only to return with a massive remote control in hanging from his neck.

Sergeant Bash is torching the place. Pearce’s eyes reflect the flames that engulf the pool table. Sir Killalot has got the spotty bartender skewered on his lance. F*cking bloodbath.

11. Ian Darke

Darke is keeping it classy. Whisky for him, pint of mild for you. No music in his pub of choice. Just good old-fashioned chat and one bloke in the corner, reading the newspaper in a three-piece suit.

People are smoking indoors, there are children supping halves of Guinness. You check the date on the suited fella’s newspaper: 3rd October 1971.

You black out.

10. Vicki Sparks

Sparks has done her homework on you. She knows what you’re like, she knows you’re not just going to “have one pint” and she’s going to tell you as much. She’s upset you a bit. You do have willpower. One more for the road, though. Obviously.

9. Conor McNamara

You can hear him, but you can’t see him. You’re glancing around, searching for the source of the sound. You realise you have no idea what he looks like. You only have pictures dreamt up in your mind’s eye. He could be anyone. Panic sets in…

8. Guy Mowbray

Mowbray is a safe pair of hands down the pub. Nothing unsavoury going down with Guy about.

The best thing about going for a pint with Mowbray is that he’ll present the night back to you the next morning, in an easily digestible highlights package showing your best craic.

7. Clive Tyldesley

You’re at the dartboard, pretending you know what you’re doing. You hit a treble 20 by pure chance and Clive screams your surname with his f*cking chest. Best moment of your life, probably.

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6. Robyn Cowen

And there it is! Dan has ordered ANOTHER round for the table! This is monumental! Something none of us have ever witnessed before! Savour this feeling, everyone. The likes of this won’t be seen again for decades to come!

Ha. She’s done you there, Dan.

5. Darren Fletcher & Steve McManaman

Red wine and sangria. Zadok the Priest on the jukebox. Tapas at the table. An old couple are dancing outside in the last of the evening son. A balmy night cut with a saline sea breeze. Lovely.

4. Jacqui Oatley

The first-ever female commentator on Match of the Day isn’t easily fazed. A drunk barfly local is calling her ‘love’ and ‘darling’, but not in a pleasant way. She’s laughed at him and bought him a half to help him cope with his sh*tty life.

The most impressive thing you’ve ever seen in a pub setting.

3. Martin Tyler

“It’s Martin, carrying five pints at once. He’s round the glass collector, HE’S DONE IT! IT’S FIVE FOR MARTIN! HOLD THE BACK PAGE, HOLD THE FRONT PAGE! WHAT A MOMENT IN COACH & HORSES HISTORY!”

Probably our dream scenario.

Martin Tyler

Martin Tyler, great company for a pint, also up for a scrap, apparently.

2. John Murray

You get a text just as you’re about to leave the house.

“Mind if I bring my mate along?”

F*ck’s sake. “Yeah, no problem, pal. More the merrier.”

John arrives with Pat Nevin in tow. John’s on the porters, the comforting deep balsa wood tones of his voice harmonising with the natural resonance of the pub itself.

Pat’s on the craft ale, he’s brought music and book recommendations, and you quickly realise you’re in the most engaging pub conversation you’ve had in years.

1. Jon Champion & Ally McCoist

Best night out of your life, it really is. Champion’s setting ’em up, Coisty’s knocking ’em down, he really is. You’re getting local knowledge that you’re barely taking in because you’re focusing on those dulcet tones.

You’ve shown Coisty a video of a goal you scored at 8-a-side two years ago, and he’s f*cking loving it.

“That’s superb, it really is! It’s a glorious finish. Really is. Reminds me of Ronaldinho — what a player he was, by the way!”

You’re beaming. Ear to ear. Never want this night to end. A tear in your eye. Trying to freeze time with your mind. Just love the lads so much.

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