Bahh god, that's Joelinton's music!

What if they weren’t footballers? 9 players who would be brilliant at other jobs

Peter Crouch was famously once asked what he would be if he wasn’t a footballer, to which the big fella replied, “A virgin.”

We get so used to seeing our favourite players on the pitch that it can be difficult to imagine some footballers doing anything else. What if they did, though?

We’ve imagined a dystopian world in which football ceased to exist a decade or so ago. Maybe Germany beat Brazil 7-1 in that World Cup semifinal and everyone just went, “Nah, you know what? This is all a bit silly now.” And we all binned football off.

What would today’s Premier League stars be doing if we lived in that world, apart from the burning effigies of Andre Schurrle and Toni Kroos, obviously. Come speculate with us.

Joelinton: WWE Superstar

Joelinton would thrive on the professional wrestling circuit. He’s got all the credentials already: A fan favourite with cult status forever, his own song, the physique, the aggression, the agility — the full package. He also has a ready-made tag team partner in Bruno Guimaraes.

His finisher would be the Howaycanerana. His nickname would be The One Man Toon Army, his entrance music would be a samba version of The Fog on the Tyne. We’re actually going to need this to happen now.

Diogo Jota: Professional FIFA Player

Jota would already be a pro-FIFA player if it wasn’t for the inconvenience of having to play actual football for Liverpool.

The versatile forward regularly takes part in competitive tournaments and beat his current teammate Trent Alexander-Arnold in a Premier League invitational that took place during the pandemic.

We can see him now, in his pro-gamer F1-style chair, streaming and twitching to millions of subscribers, calling people things like noob, smashing controllers left, right, and centre.

Fun fact: Diogo prefers a 4-3-2-1 formation and chooses forwards based on skill moves rather than pace or shooting.

James Milner: PE Teacher

You know for a fact Mr. Milner would take part in every single session. He’d make you feel sh*t about yourself, as well.

“I’m 16,” you’d think, “why am I getting absolutely blitzed by this fifty-year-old man?” Because Mr. Milner woke up at 11pm the night before to get a quick ultramarathon in before morning assembly, you lazy c*nt, that’s why.

Detention. And give us 2000 press-ups whilst you’re at it.

Jack Grealish: Holiday Rep

Jagerbombs, pool parties, antibiotics.

Jack Grealish during Manchester City's Champions League-winning celebrations in Istanbul, Turkey, June 2023.

READ: 10 of Jack Grealish’s funniest moments from UCL chaos to encyclopaedias

Alejandro Garnacho: Anime Character

If football didn’t exist, Garnacho would have become fully animated by now.

He’d be the antagonist in the latest Japanese anime mega-franchise, being poorly dubbed into English with a heavy American accent.

He’d have ceased to exist in the real world, which is a shame because he’s playing quite well for Man United at the minute. Got the looks for it, though, doesn’t he?

The stripey eyebrows and electrocuted peroxide hair. Kind of an evil smile. He’d play for Man U-Gi-Oh.

Rodri: Estate Agent

Tight trousers, tight shirt, driving you around in his pristine mid-range car, guarding the keys to properties like he guards the keys to City’s midfield.

You know he’s swindling you but there’s jack sh*t you can do about it. When he’s not at work, people don’t buy houses, simple as that.

Kai Havertz: Donkey Farmer

The owner of Germany’s most prominent cheekbones is mad about donkeys. That’s not a joke, it’s just a fact.

Loves them. He had a cuddly donkey as a child, would go to the donkey sanctuary to chill out if he lost a game, and received three actual live donkeys for his 18th birthday.

Little bit odd but extremely wholesome and we genuinely hope he finds time for more donkey stuff when his playing days are over.

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Neal Maupay: Architect

If he can’t be a sh*thouse on the pitch, he’s going to build his own sh*thouses, and that’s on God.

Dan Burn: Cowboy

There’s only one other vocation for a man who had a cowboy birthday cake on his 31st birthday.

His love of the old West is well known in the frontier towns of Geordieland, and he’s part of a small posse with Jacob Howlin’ Mad Murphy and Sawn-off Sean Longstaff.

Burn is also missing a finger on his trigger hand, which only adds to his cowboy credentials. He’s rootin’, he’s tootin’, he’s rarely shootin’, he’s the undisputed sheriff in the Wild West of the Northeast.

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