Florian Wirtz sent Bruno Fernandes’ head to mars: Liverpool must sign him immediately
The Florian Wirtz to Liverpool transfer saga isn’t that old in the grand scheme of things. It’s a nanosecond compared to the entire summers dominated by Kylian Mbappe to Real Madrid.
Still, we’re ready for it to end now. In these few short weeks, Liverpool fans will have consumed every conceivable piece of content. There have been deep dives galore on the German playmaker.
At this point, there’ll be some stats-devouring obsessives who’ll be able to rattle off his npxG + xAG, progressive carries and shot-creating actions figures in their sleep.
Here at Planet Football, we’re not going to try and compete on that front. The internet is full of wonderfully intelligent statistical analysts (and a few spoofers, let’s be honest) who are able to understand the game on a different plane.
So let us stay in our lane and introduce a metric the tacticos haven’t yet discovered: xS.
What is xS? Glad you asked. Expected Sh*thouse. And Wirtz’s underlying numbers are off the charts.
Not to go all Moneyball on you, but if – as expected – Andy Robertson is to get pushed to the fringes, Liverpool will need to up their sh*thouse quota and replace it in the aggregate.
This is where their would-be record signing comes in, and he’s already wound up Manchester United captain Bruno Fernandes to no end.
— FlorianFocusMedia (@FFocusAssist) June 4, 2025
A Nations League semi-final has never been so interesting to Liverpool fans.
An opportunity in these barren summer months to see their statement summer signing in action.
And Wirtz didn’t disappoint. He put Germany ahead against Portugal, showing good movement in the box to head home after being involved in the build-up.
The 22-year-old also lofted in a sumptuous cross to the backpost that wasn’t converted. And – you guessed it – his underlying stats were exceptional.
Despite that, Portugal actually came from behind to register their first victory over Germany in 25 years. Wirtz’s frustration was clear to see.
After leaving one on Fernandes in the first half, Wirtz had a nibble at Manchester City’s Bernardo Silva – treading on his toes as they faced off.
He was booked for the indiscretion, which sparked scenes we absolutely do want to see; a skirmish involving both sets of players and a fuming Fernandes front and centre.
Spicy nudge fest between Portugal and Germany
byu/Radbevto insoccer
A common complaint about the Premier League these days is that the players are too nice. There’s not enough needle. A pale comparison to the days of Roy Keane vs Patrick Vieira.
Ignoring the inconvenient truth that the game has changed and VAR has killed off the ability to get away with a sneaky bit of under-the-radar violence, we’re still here for players needling one another and losing their rag while fighting for the cause.
Forget the data. Forget footballing ability. On this sh*thouse evidence alone, Wirtz would be a wonderfully welcome addition to the Premier League.
Bring on Liverpool versus Manchester City and Manchester United and Wirtz facing off against Silva and Fernandes once again.
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