We’re delighted to announce that Erling Haaland has well & truly lost the plot
Manchester City’s dramatic, late draw with Arsenal delivered on all fronts from chaos, to goals, to tactical nuance, to Erling Haaland being a complete nutter.
Amid all the recent admiration for Barclaysmen and nostalgia about how great football used to be, the Premier League’s two titans just served up an instant classic on a rainy Sunday in east Manchester.
If you were to play Barclays bingo with the Super Sunday offering between two title rivals, you’d absolutely be getting a full house on this one.
The afternoon started brilliantly for City and ended on a high note thanks to John Stones’ late equaliser, but could’ve been much more calamitous had they fallen to a 2-1 defeat to 10 men Arsenal.
Losing Rodri to injury wasn’t ideal and watching Kyle Walker’s career actively disintegrate one mauling at a time certainly made for painful watching for Blues everywhere – and brilliant hate-watching for the rest of the football world – but all eyes were on Erling Haaland, who needed a big performance.
Having failed to register a shot on target against Arsenal in their two Premier League clashes last season, the big Norwegian freak needed to turn up, especially considering his colossal start to the season which saw him head into the games with nine goals and two hat-tricks already to his name.
Turn up he did.
It took him just nine minutes to float into a gap between Gabriel and William Saliba. The moment Savio fired a ball between the two usually watertight defenders, you could pretty much hear the gulp David Raya took before the inevitable goal, and the groan brewing from the Arsenal away end.
That was about as good as it got for Haaland, though, who spent the rest of the game wedged between the pair and doing his best not to start a fight while watching his defenders fire balls into the stands behind the goal.
You don’t need us to tell you how frustrated the big man was as his side failed to break down a stubborn, 10 man defence while he twiddled his thumbs.
No, seriously, you literally don’t. He showed us all how frustrated he was when he let it out amid City’s frenzied celebrations following their last-gasp equaliser, in a moment that is so painfully Barclays it brings a tear to our eye.
While the Etihad broke into cheers and the technical area turned into the opening scenes of the Royal Rumble, Haaland reached boiling point, heading straight for the football.
Did he want to restart quickly for what would’ve been an unimaginable winner? Of course not – he wanted to launch the thing at a hapless Gabriel like a man possessed.
— Out Of Context Erling Haaland (@ErlingNoContext) September 23, 2024
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The plot has never been more lost. We’d go as far as to say that he never had the plot in the first place.
When the day eventually comes and Haaland passes away, we sincerely hope his brain is donated to science so that someone can try and figure out how on earth that thing is wired.
Score goals. Look scary. Be a freak of nature. Nothing else matters.
Sh*thousery of the finest order. It’s not even October, but it’s likely the sh*thouse moment of the season.
As hilarious and unhinged as it was, what’s even more wild is that poor Gabriel is simply so dejected after conceding that he just stands there and takes it, completely unaware that he’s been the victim of a vicious assault.
Some 97 minutes of chaos and Haaland stealing the show in a way even prime Showstopper himself Shawn Michaels wouldn’t be able to comprehend. The scriptwriters cooked with this one.
By Mitch Wilks