Ethan Wheatley: Get banged, score hatties.

Man Utd’s next star is sinking rivals & saving the club one literal haymaker at a time

Manchester United’s Under-18s are the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. This year’s crop recently blew Liverpool away with a 9-1 away battering, but that’s not the full story.

With the senior team suffering from what appears to be some sort of mass hysteria, the kids are getting sh*t done.

Manchester United v Liverpool is always a grudge match — doesn’t matter what level it’s at. The rivals met with the little Red Devils top of the league and Liverpool in fourth, but a full 22 points behind United, but that didn’t matter. This was a grudge match. Because last time these two played each other, sh*t hit the fan.

Ethan Wheatley has been truly clinical for United this season and the star of the show in an unforgettable age group.

He’s ready to step up and we’re definitely going to be hearing more about this certified wonderkid imminently. Last time he played Liverpool, however, he got punched square in the f*cking face.

After bustling past his opponent, the Liverpool defender simply clocked him. With hindsight, it appears Wheatley and his pals did not forget that incident, and decided to punish the Scousers accordingly.

Wheatley was the star, racking up a hat-trick in under an hour, but it was his goal celebration that drew the headlines — and when we say headlines, we mean the headline you read at the top of this page.

It’s a lovely finish from the 18-year-old.

Receives the ball on the turn in a central area on the edge of the box, opens up his body as if to curl the ball into the bottom right corner, then does the keeper with they eyes and fires it into the bottom left.

It absolutely reeks of confidence. The sort of thing you might do at five-a-side if you’d had nine hours sleep the night before, and a really healthy breakfast.

The striker then wheels away in celebration, stops dead, and does the Wayne Rooney K.O. celebration. You know the one — you can do it on FIFA. Where he throws a few jabs and then pretends to get knocked out.

Wheatley was trolling the Liverpool team that sucker-punched him in their previous meeting and, quite frankly, you love to see it.

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Fighting violence with goals is something we can get behind and, if that’s the sort of mentality Wheatley is showing at this age, we’re fully backing him to break into the senior team in the coming years.

United’s Under-18s have only lost one league match all season in the U-18 Premier League North and look set to win it at a canter.

68 goals in 20 games is a little bit silly, actually, and we wonder if we might have a golden generation on our hands. The sort of youth intake you see on Football Manager and simply rub your hands together like Mr. Burns from the Simpsons.

It’s been 32 years since the Class of ’92 graduated. With the men’s senior team somehow managing to lose a game in which they were 3-2 ahead in the 100th minute in midweek, and facing a quite scary Liverpool side tomorrow, it might not be too long before the class of ’24 get their chance to test their mettle with the big boys.

Marcus Rashford during the pre-season friendly between Arsenal and Manchester United at MetLife Stadium, East Rutherford, New Jersey, July 2023.

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Wheatley is set to travel with United’s senior squad as they take on Bournemouth, desperate to capitalise on dropped points around them. It might be a touch too soon for him to be coming on and saving the day, but the fact he’s already caught Ten Hag’s eye tells us all we need to know.

Technical ability, ferocity and goals coming from every orifice. The kid is the truth and we’re all about to learn that very soon/

Just don’t punch any of them in the face, Ethan. It ain’t worth it.

By Andrew Martin