He's inevitable.

Lionel Messi’s record-breaking obscenities have put him on the path to another Ballon d’Or

How are the next generation of football superstars meant to progress the game when Lionel Messi continues to defy time and space and do the unthinkable?

How is Ray Hudson ever going to be able to retire if Messi continues to find more impossible tasks that only he can make look not just possible, but routine?

How are we as mere mortals ever expected to feel good about ourselves when Messi continues to prove week in, week out, across the globe why he is undoubtedly better at football than all of us combined ever will be at anything?

These are questions which all share the same answer – there isn’t one. The first stage of healing is acceptance, and we at Planet Football have now accepted that the little boy from Rosario is not that, but in fact a being from a higher power sent down from the Gods to change the scope of football for good.

Whichever Gods decided that weren’t really thinking ahead, though, because now the beautiful game has reached a point which nobody could reach (unless your name is Jay Cartwright) – it’s been completed.

Lifting the 2022 World Cup and finishing the story in a fashion akin to Cody Rhodes not only immortalised Messi, but confirmed to most his status at the greatest of all time.

Ironically, though, the best stories have come since that point we were all waiting for, because now he’s completing as many fun side quests as he possibly can in the Miami sunshine at a canter, blitzing MLS and leaving us all speechless every weekend.

We’re pretty sure even Hudson himself has probably run out of superlatives for his latest stunt.

Five assists and a goal in one game of football. One. That’s not even Pro Clubs kind of obscenity – it’s simply incomprehensible creativity.

Poor Luis Suarez barely made a single headline for his hat-trick as Inter Miami blitzed the New York Red Bulls in a thrilling 6-2 victory. He’ll be used to that, though, having ruled the world with his old pal at Barcelona and now on the East Coast.

In achieving such a ridiculous feat, Messi also became the first player in the history of football to reach 1200 goal contributions. He is quite literally hitting unheard of numbers. Scientists couldn’t explain this kind of anomaly.

Just when you think you’ve seen it all from the magician, he continues to surprise you, carving open vectors and black holes on the pitch with passes sharper than a diamond.

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Five assists. We can’t get over it. Especially when they look that sumptuous.

Seriously, what do you even say as a manager or a coach in a bid to try and deal with such superhuman obscenities being committed against you? How do you close a gap that didn’t actually exist in the first place?

Magisterial is an understatement. He’s redefining greatness.

People will be quick to point out the fact that he isn’t in Europe’s top five anymore, but we don’t care. As Scott Steiner famously once said, the numbers don’t lie and they spell disaster for – well, every other Ballon d’Or candidate.

Put together a convincing run in the Copa America and immediately it becomes a reality once again. If you’re really quiet while you read this, you can actually hear Cristiano Ronaldo and Kylian Mbappe’s tears hitting the floor.

Fear it, dread it, run from it. You cannot deny it. Somehow, Messi is chasing down Ballon d’Or number nine.

By Mitch Wilks