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Joey Timber show logs no mercy.

A head-first dive into the wild west world of MLS mascots

Major League Soccer, ey? MLS. European football and American soccer may have the same rules and principles, but they’re worlds apart in culture. Nothing epitomises that more than the MLS mascots.

Colorado Rapids used to have a mascot that was just a man made from water, who went around causing havoc with a super-soaker. Hellish. We’ve rounded up some of the more notable MLS mascots and rated them out of ten in terms of mascot credentials.

Strap in, guys. It’s a giant furry hellscape out there.

Cozmo: LA Galaxy

No idea what the f*ck Cozmo is meant to be, all we can say is do NOT, under any circumstances, google Cozmo’s mother. Don’t do it.

-3/10

Q: San Jose Earthquakes

Don’t know what Q is. Sort of an old bloke with grey hair but he’s blue? Was he born of the open fissures of the Earth during an earthquake? Extra points if so, but he still gives us the heebies and the jeebies, though. Kinda looks like a muppet pensioner.

2/10

Timber Joey: Portland Timbers

Not even sure he qualifies as a mascot. This is just a bloke with a chainsaw. OOOOOOH SAY CAN YOU SEEEEE BY THE DAWN’S EARLY LIIIIIGHT?

4/10

A slice of log for every goal the Portland Timbers score.

Marco van Bison: Colorado Rapids

Love the name, love the idea, a bit too cuddly. Would ideally like Marco to be more terrifying and less teddy-bearish.

Good effort.

6/10

Jorge El Mapache: Also the Colorado Rapids

Jorge is mainly in here for the name, to be honest. Mapache means raccoon in Spanish. It is also slang for somebody who commits election fraud.

We actually did some digging to see if we could find any stories about election fraud in Colorado when Jorge came into existence in 2007… We found nothing.

6/10

Sammy the Sounder: Seattle Sounders

Not enough orcas in football. Fun fact: Orcas, or Killer Whales, aren’t whales. In Spanish, their name means ‘whale killers’, and that was mistranslated into English, hence the confusion. Orcas are intelligent and if they decide they want you dead, you’re dead.

That’s intimidating, and thus so are the Sounders.

10/10

Spike: Vancouver Whitecaps

Spike is a belted kingfisher — a bird local to Vancouver.

We just learned about a new bird, and they look like something we’d be really scared of if we were a fish.

8/10

Bitchy the Hawk: Toronto FC

“So we’re gonna have a live bird for our mascot. Bit like Benfica. Maybe a hawk?”

Yeah, sound. What you gonna call it?

“Was thinking ‘Bitchy.’

That’s f*cking mental. Do it.

11/10

Leo the Lion: Real Salt Lake

Quite a haunted-looking lion, is Leo. Less fluffy and cute, more waking up in a crack den with no natural light after eating some bad antelope.

Looks sick in a bandana and we’ve seen pictures of him break-dancing. Into it.

9/10

Blue: Sporting Kansas City

Absolutely adorable. Just wanna pet Blue. Might be too cute. Makes us want to sack the football off and spend a few hours going, “Who’s a good boy?! WHO’S A GOOD BOY?! You are! That’s right! You are!” And scratch Blue’s belly. Loses points for turning our hearts to mush.

7/10

Wholesome.

Gary: FC Cincinnati

A winged lion called Gary. It’s a little bit Boaty McBoatface, isn’t it? Well, the opposite, really. Suppose the equivalent would be Wingy McLion.

Gary has a sword in the club crest. The mascot does not have a sword.

Give Gary a sword, you cowards.

6/10

Kingston: Orlando City SC

Easily the coolest-looking mascot out there. A genuinely handsome lion. A couple of purple dreads in his hair. No cartoon cuddliness down in Orlando — just war paint and big sharp teeth. Kingston’s gonna take your girl. Or your man. Or your person.

Whoever you’re dating, if Kingston rolls into town, you’re not dating them anymore.

69/10

Hide your partner, Kingston’s in town.

Phang: Philadelphia Union

Phang is a snake with arms and legs. And a mohawk. Union fans began calling themselves the Wu-Phang Clan, which is class. It led to Phang performing with the actual Wu-Tang Clan.

Phang the Snake ain’t nuttin’ to f*ck with.

10/10

Tac-Tik: CF Montreal

This one is a dopey-looking dog with a football embedded into its f*cking cranium. Legend has it he got in the way of an Adriano rocket shot, skull-first. It’s palliative care for Tac-Tik from here on out, we think.

Just want him to be as comfortable as possible.

6/10


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