MLS supporters are built different.

Ranking every MLS club by their goal and entrance music from worst to best

Major League Soccer is off its nut. An insane dream world of bawdy pageantry and swelling enthusiasm and, now, the home of arguably the greatest football player of all time, DeAndre Yedlin.

Got ya.

MLS is serious, these days. A still brilliant Lionel Messi, a slightly slower Luis Suarez, Lorenzo Insigne, Sergio Busquets, Jordi Alba, Federico Bernardeschi… they ain’t f*cking about.

The US and Canada has also become a hotbed for young talent, not just growing their own exciting wonderkids (now imagining ranchers on horseback, with acres of land, tending to the future ballers they planted in the earth) but also attracting the likes of Riqui Puig and Jack Harrison more recently.

The music, though. The music is… well, why don’t we let you make up your own mind.

Here, as decided by Planet Football, are all 29 teams of Major League Soccer ranked by music associated with each club. You are about to have your day flipped on its damn head.

29. Orlando City FC: La Grande Victoria

This is probably great live, but the video we found briefly featured a fella wearing a ‘DEADPOOL 69’ jersey. Relegated to the bottom of the pile for this reason alone.

28. Philadelphia Union: Party Till We Die by MAKJ, Timmy Trumpet, and Andrew WK

Put it in the bin, set the bin on fire, p*ss on the fire, set the p*ss on fire.

27. FC Cincinnati: Cincinnati Here We Go

You can’t just put some lyrics your nephew wrote at nursery to a snare drum and call it a football song.

26. LA Galaxy: Seven Nation Army by Bsharry

If we were The White Stripes, we would tell Bsharry to shove the royalties up their arse, and take this cover back to Hell, where it belongs, in the devil’s own testicle sack, annoying the f*ck out of the devil’s sperms.

25. Minnesota United FC: Wonderwall by Oasis

You had Prince right in front of you. Points deduction every season for the next 100 years.

24. Sporting Kansas City: Rattle by Bingo Players

Sounds like it was made using just the sound effect on your dad’s old Casio keyboard. Couldn’t hate it more. Wish that tornado had taken this away instead of Dorothy and Toto.

23. St. Louis FC: Hey St. Louis! (to the tune of Hey Baby)

Not justifying this with words.

22. Charlotte FC: Pepas by Farruko

The video for this reggaeton nightmare includes shipping containers, cars, fire, cars on fire, women in bikinis, and lasers. It’s may not be groundbreaking, but it sure is sh*t.

21. FC Dallas: Goal Siren

At first, you’re preparing to rupture your own ear drums if necessary, and then it evolves and gets quite hypey. Still not good, but not horrendous. It’s a low, low bar.

20. San Jose Earthquakes: Earthquake Anthem

“We don’t kick up dust, man, we kick butts.” We’re just staring silently into the abyss at this point.

19. DC United: DC United by Bad Brains

Some hardcore punk/rap metal about a football team, here, from a band that supposedly inspired Nirvana. This song inspires us to take an electric whisk to our own earholes.

18. Inter Miami: Vivir Mi Vida by Marc Anthony

They play this down in Miami when they score. Leo Messi scores and this is what you get. 1.2billion views on YouTube, to be fair… Only good enough for 18th place on our list, though.

17. Colorado Rapids: Burgundy Sky by Little Eye

It’s quite odd to hear a song that is explicitly about Colorado in a broad Scottish accent. Apparently the singer’s brother-in-law played for the Rapids at one point. Coloraaaaaaaaado, let’s go now! Not footbally enough, in our opinion. Bin.

16. Nashville SC: Never Give Up On You by Judah & The Lion

Sounds like an American Mumford & Sons. Momford & Sons. Pretty sure the drums are from Chariots of Fire. Nashville should fold the club for not using a country song. Shame.

15. Columbus Crew: It’s Your Crew by RJD2

“Another yellow card, now upgrade it to red.” Sorry, are they asking for their own players to be sent off? Confusing. Need clarification, please. A tiny hint of John Barnes’ World In Motion rap if you squint your ears. Anyway, COLUMBUUUUUUUUUUS!

14. Portland Timbers: Bury Me In Green & Gold

A football chant about death. Not enough recognition of human mortality in football chants.

13. Seattle Sounders: Salute to the Olympians by Henry Mancini

A jaunty little big band number that you can just as easily imagine on a 1970s TV chat show as on a sports field. Verrrrrry MLS. Assignment = understood.

12. Vancouver Whitecaps: White is the Colour by The Proclaimers

We literally rang up the guy who formerly ran social media at Vancouver, Liam Graham, to ask how the hell Edinburgh’s favourite sons got involved in this. He was as mystified as we are.

Liam also told us that it was his idea to use Kaleo’s Glass House for the goal music back in 2020, but that the tune has since been sacked off in favour of the aforementioned Pepas by Farruko, a decision that Liam quite rightly views as nothing short of a travesty. We won’t name names, but we hope you’re reading this, Jeremy Benjamin.

Planet Football, your go-to place for the internet’s hardest football quizzes, and MLS goal song beef.

11. CF Montreal: Un Hymne pour L’Impact de Montreal by Radio Radio

Back when they were Montreal Impact, they had their very own Acadien French rap tune and, you know what? Compared to most of the songs on this list, it’s borderline good.

10. Houston Dynamo: Don’t Play by Mike Jones

It’s giving us Soulja Boy vibes. In fact, it seems Don’t Play was released the same year as Soulja Boy’s Crank That. Midtable.

9. Atlanta United: We Ready by Archie Eversole

One of the more aggressive tunes on this list. Might intimidate us if we were at Atlanta (A), and that’s its job. Roy Keane approves.

8. Chicago Fire: Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight

A customised version of the 1896 ragtime tune most famously sung by Bessie Smith. Tells the origin story of the Great Fire of Chicago from which the club gets its name. Lore. That’s the good stuff.

7. NYCFC: Blitzkrieg Bop by The Ramones

Absolute tap-in for the lads from the Big Apple. A local band with an iconic song that simply could not be more suited to a sports stadium. No notes.

6. LAFC: Do It For LA by DJ Flict x Kid Ink x B-Real

One of the few genuinely good songs on this list. Sounds like a WWE theme song with a trap beat, and something that might actually do well in the charts at the same time. Huge.

5. Real Salt Lake: Mighty Real by Meg & Dia

Sounds like if Paramore did football. Parascore.

4. Toronto FC: T.F.C. by Barenaked Ladies

They get where water wouldn’t, the Barenaked Ladies. Unfortunately, we are not gonna be able to stop singing it. Altogether now: Down by the lake shore, red team’s gonna score, go, go, go, TFC will rise above! T is for Toronto! F is for Football! C is for the club that we love love love love love!

Added to our Spotify.

3. Austin FC: Alright, Alright, Alright.

Ole, ole, ole, but make it Matthew McConaughey. F*cking fantastic.

2. New York Red Bulls: Bulls On Parade by Rage Against The Machine

Perfect choice. Name of the club in the title, extremely hype-inducing, makes you want to mercilessly dominate the opposition and then, perhaps, bring down the government and start a utopian society full of goals and slide tackles.

1. New England Revolution: UNKNOWN

We cannot for the life of us figure out who’s singing this song, but it absolutely bangs. Reminds us of a 90s kids TV theme. Please let us know if you have any information on the artist, genuinely.

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