Analysing every hidden vendetta in Richard Keys’ 2024-25 predictions

What are we going to do with Richard Keys, eh? The bitchiest man in football is an avid blogger, and it’s time for his annual Premier League predictions blog. If you’re into unhinged levels of self-admiration and general cattiness, it rarely disappoints.

And, you’ll be delighted to hear, this year’s iteration is no different.

We’ve combed through the whole blog to bring you the bitchiest moments aimed at his latest footballing gripes and figures of disdain. SPOILER: Arne Slot hasn’t been given a Keysian nickname yet, but it is coming, as sure as night follows day, it is coming.

Arsenal

The literal title of this season’s predictions blog is as follows:

“It’s City’s – unless Arsenal grow a  pair and celebrate only if they win it.”

Incredible. He’s told the Gunners to grow a pair of—presumably—testicles before writing a single word of body text. F*cking ruthless. The knives are out. No one is safe. Just a few lines into the main text, he hits ’em with another one.

“But….if Arsenal – as a collective – can grow a pair, they might just nick it.”

Doubling down on the testicle growth. You love to see it. Making sure they heard.

Mikel Arteta

Shockingly, and we mean shockingly, Keysey appears to have moved on from his white-hot hatred of Mikel Arteta stepping out of his designated technical area (for now).

There’s no mention of it anywhere in the blog. Obviously, he still takes a big swing at the Spaniard. Can’t help himself.

“Never mind all the nonsense – training ground dogs, thieves stealing watches and wallets at meal times, playing ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ at London Conley and all the celebration pics after wins v Fulham in October – be professional and get the job done.”

Like, to be fair to Keysey here, rounding up a motley crew of professional pickpockets(?) to rob your players is weird. That’s a weird thing to do.

Claudio Ranieri led his Leicester team to the title by bribing them with pizza—imagine if he’d organised for someone to mug Jamie Vardy. Nothing good could possibly have come from that.

A rare valid point from Keys.

Manchester City

Keysey absolutely gives it to City in this season’s predictions blog. He hates them. Hates everything about them. He kicks it off with some classic gaslighting.

“Until City play by the same rules as everyone else they’ll keep winning it. Cue angry City fans, who’ve forgotten that I said this was only a bit of fun 😂.”

Superb. He takes a swipe at City, and he clearly means it, and follows that with the old I was kidding! Relax! God, you’re sensitive.” Even chucks a laughing-face emoji in at the end. An emoji in a blog. Brilliant.

He’s not done there. Comes back for more with a sly double-bracketed attack. Remember it’s only a bit of fun, though.

“Remember, Villa were in the bottom three when he [Unai Emery] was appointed as Steven Gerrard’s successor and without spending a fortune (take note City) he stayed within FFP guidelines (take note City) and transformed Villa.”

A real masterclass in drive-by bitching (take note, City). He’s still not done with City, though. He’s got a taste for blood now. This particular diss comes with a wonderful use of the word ‘roughshod’. 

“I expect City to win it. Able to spend as they do and ride roughshod over the rules that everyone else is restricted by, they should always win it.”

Keysey might be a dinosaur but he’s a dinosaur with a vocabulary. A stegosaurus with a thesaurus.

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Gareth Southgate & Eddie Howe

This is possibly the most impressive act of cattiness in the whole blog. A double kill, collateral damage, two-birds-with-one-verbal-stone situation.

Starts as if he’s relating to the Newcastle fans in his appreciation of Eddie Howe’s abilities, but ends up slagging off both Howe and Gareth Southgate in one fell swoop.

“I should add that like every Geordie I hope Howe doesn’t get the job. England need something different now – not Safegate ‘light’.”

Safegate. Outstanding stuff. He’s also implying that Eddie Howe is just a sh*t Gareth Southgate, which is a pretty unique take. Top tier Keysey.

Arne Slot

It was inevitable. When a foreign manager comes to the Premier League with notions of keeping hold of the ball as opposed to just sticking it in the mixer, Keysey is on red alert.

It’s a rite of passage for any non-British manager, catching strays from Keysey. Like getting your head flushed down the toilet on the first day of secondary school.

“He’s another one obsessed with passing teams to death. That’s a style in total contrast to Klopp’s. Liverpool were a great watch under Klopp.”

Slot hasn’t even taken charge of a competitive match at Liverpool yet and he’s already getting called out for being boring by Richard Keys.

Efficient from Keysey. Not wasting any time. A pre-emptive strike. We can’t wait to see what sort of nickname he comes up with for the Dutchman.

Arne Lost-the-Plot? Arne Flop? It’s gonna be something like that. We’re on tenterhooks.

TRY A QUIZ: Can you name every Dutch manager in Premier League history?

Enzo Maresca

Richard Keys hates passing. He worships at the church of f*cking-get-rid-of-it! He preaches at the altar of stop-fannying-about! And do you know who’s banned from his church, denounced as a heretic? Enzo Maresca.

“Maresca is another one obsessed with passing and sending crowds to sleep. He’s started making excuses already – blaming Poch for their poor pre-season. That’s a new one, but creative.”

Again, the bloke hasn’t taken charge of a competitive match yet. Keysey is inevitable.

Erik ten Hag

We could’ve probably done an entire article focussing purely on Keys’ complete and total hatred of Erik ten Hag. Instead, we’ve distilled it into a few drams of potent liquid hate, kicking off with one of the more deranged nicknames Keysey has come up with in recent times.

“The players must’ve been gutted when they heard ten Hag was staying. To a man they wanted him gone and believed he would be. But oh no. Sunny Jim knows best.

Jim Ratcliffe there, aka ‘Sunny Jim’. Pretty sure he’s going for ‘Sonny Jim’, unless we’re missing something.

That might just be one of those misconceptions all of us have without realising, like when we learned that ‘Hermione’ was pronounced her-my-uh-knee as opposed to her-mee-own when we were 11.

We like the thought of Ratcliffe being of a particularly sunny disposition and Keysey hating that, though. Carrying on:

“Ten Hag should’ve shown some dignity and walked when Ratcliffe started hawking his job around Europe. Make no mistake – if Tuchel had been prepared to do it for £8m/year he’d be in charge at OT now. No top coach will work for that – but ten Hag does.

“So he fumbles on – being watched over by both Jason Wilcox and Dan Ashworth during his working week. Both stand pitch side at Carrington keeping an eye on him.”

Translation: Ten Hag is a classless, sh*t coach with babysitters.

Brutal. Just brutal.

Fabian Hurzeler

Within the context of Keys’ blog, you feared for Fabian Hurzeler as soon as he took the Brighton job. You simply cannot be a young Premier League manager and not find yourself at the business end of a Keysey torpedo. And so it transpired.

“Brighton will need to be careful. The gamble on their baby coach could easily backfire. If he loses the senior players he won’t recover. “

Hurzeler is young for a PL manager. He’s really young for a PL manager, actually, at 31 years old. But if you’re calling a 31-year-old a ‘baby’, you’re finished.

Again, we simply cannot wait for the inevitable ensuing nickname. We’re not even going to speculate on this one, because it won’t be as good as whatever Keysey comes up with.

That does it for this year’s analysis. Our conclusion: Richard Keys is one deranged bastard, but he is an entertaining deranged bastard.