High performance might have a new head honcho.

Send help, Michael Owen’s ‘High Performance’ warpath cannot be stopped

Just as we joust through what feels like the last of one deadly pandemic, another comes and slaps us in the face in the form of Jake Humphrey’s ‘High Performance’ mantra – and the gang of merry idiots that come along with it.

Without downplaying the very damning reality of COVID-19 – no matter how hard Matt Le Tissier tries to stress otherwise – we’ve unfortunately ushered on another wave of sickness that is almost as equally deadly; equipping very divorced white men with microphones and studio space.

While not quite as outwardly dangerous as Le Tissier, Humphrey’s ‘High Performance’ gimmick and those that drag it along cannot be underestimated.

In an age where more and more people in the United Kingdom are struggling to heat their homes and put food on the table week after week despite working full-time hours, Humphrey’s self-absorbed garbage about ‘world-class basics’ and simply working harder is absurdly ignorant – and that’s putting it kindly.

Michael Owen is a man who – unfortunately – thrives off world-class basics and an elite grindset which clearly sets him apart from us ordinary losers, and definitely not the fact that he was blessed with being good at kicking a ball in a goal.

In a recent appearance on the Project Footballer podcast, he explained the origin story of his high-performance personality through the lens of his youth, relating it all back to being a cheeky chappy who was good at throwing things.

Sounds somewhat intriguing, right? Until you picture the anecdote in the Michael Owen gaze – Matalan clobber in full swing, and that dreary voice we’ve heard in a million and one different ads desperately trying to convince us that he isn’t the most shameless man on the planet.

Well, with that shamelessness in mind, we are delighted to inform you that Owen has taken his pathological lying about being really good at throwing things to the Sports Personality of the Year awards and bored someone on the red carpet with yet another anecdote.

Which absolutely did not happen.

Incredibly festive that, Michael.

What a strange lie to keep up across a number of appearances. Why is Owen so desperate for the world to believe he’s brilliant at throwing things?

It’s so outrageous that we actually respect it. Gaslighting of the highest order.

To add some context to a truly spectacular lie, a professional darts player will stand a little over two metres away from the board when at the oche.

Owen recalls that he threw a dart 20 metres and into someone’s leg. Twenty. That’s around the length of a tennis court.

He deserves some credit here, in truth. In trying to get his throwing gimmick over with the crowd, he’s managed to blatantly ignore the original question – asking about a Christmas confession – and simply go off on a tangent about throwing a dart.

Not even prime Chris Jericho could get something over like Owen just has. It’s no wonder he’s in such hot demand for all these different advertisements.

Hope you’re watching, Humphrey, because this is what true high performance looks like.

By Mitch Wilks

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