Afterburners is an understatement.

Pedro Neto might actually be a human F1 car – his blistering pace is priceless

Andrew Martin ā€¢

How do you get around Angeball and the revelation that is Tottenham in 2023-24? You give the ball to Pedro Neto, and let him run very, very quickly in a straight line.

There’s something majestic about watching a footballer simply be faster than everybody else. Since returning from injury, Neto has made a habit of stealing headlines, but he ran off into the wind with them was Wolves managed a 2-1 win over Spurs – quite literally.

The game was locked at 1-1 just after the hour mark when the Portuguese speedman picked up the ball 40 yards from his own goal, and proceeded to sprint the length of the pitch, ball at his feet, before cutting back to Joao Gomes for his second goal of the game.

From the moment Neto got on the ball, you could sense viewers up and down the country shuffling forward in their seats and emitting a synchronised, harmonised, “Go on, then!”

And go on he did.

He channelled his inner running back in the part-time NFL stadium. It was refreshing to see. No messing about ā€” just got his head down and went, “Right, f*ck this.” And then presumably made a loud car engine noise with his mouth as he tore away from everyone else on the pitch.

That is outrageous. An absurd combination of balance, agility, composure and technical ability, helped along with a chunk of pace so blistering you’d mistake Neto for Max Verstappen’s RB19.

If an opposition player did that to you on FIFA, you’d be reporting them for cheating.

When translated into English, Pedro Neto means Peter the Third, which is an appropriately king-ish name considering the winger’s form this season. He’s been a creative force for Wolves, and the numbers are beginning to show that ā€” nine assists already, this season, including the sound barrier-breaking one for Joao Gomes against a hapless Tottenham.

Seriously, how on earth do you even try to defend that? The turbocharged freak.

The Portuguese King also has more Premier League assists than any Wolves player in history, which is quite some feat considering his poor luck with injuries in the past few seasons.

King Peter has only made five appearances for his country so far ā€” there’s big competition for a place on Portugal’s wings in the shape of Rafael Leao and Bernardo Silva, but more caps are surely on the way if he continues to play like a complete cheat code.

It’s not just the speed of him, though. He’s got it all. Exquisite close control, magic tricks, passing, shooting, and a constant threat in behind. We reckon we’re no more than four weeks away from referring to him exclusively as the Pastel de Neto because the man’s beyond mustard; he’s sweet vanilla custard.

At only 23, Neto has pundits wondering how much longer he’ll be at Wolves. We may have nitro-boosted Diogo Jota 2.0 on our hands, and Wolves fans will want to enjoy him playing in gold whilst they can.

Any footballer who makes our right index finger twitch for an imaginary R2 button out of muscle memory is fine by us, and we intend on relishing in as much high-velocity, blurry-footed joy as we can.

Long live King Peter the Third of Portugal.

By Andrew Martin

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