The perfect Olympic event for every 2024-25 Premier League manager

We’ve got a potentially fatal case of Olympic fever. Acute Olympitis. Serious Olymparrhoea. Getting heavily emotionally invested in sports we didn’t even know existed two weeks ago. And we don’t want the cure, Doc. We wanna be sick.

We want to try all of the sports (apart from the beam apparatus in gymnastics—think we broke an ankle just looking at that thing), and we reckon any self-respecting sportsperson feels exactly the same. 

So we thought we’d assign the Premier League’s current cohort of managers a sport each for our own Olympic team made entirely of head honchos. Please welcome the competitors from the newly independent nation of Gafferland.

Mikel Arteta: Indoor Cycling – Individual Pursuit

Arteta looks like a man who lives to cycle. His perfectly lacquered hair provides all kinds of streamlining, and this is a fella who knows what it’s like to be endlessly pursuing a target that seems to keep evading his grasp.

Guardiola. We’re talking about Pep Guardiola and Manchester City.

Unai Emery: Pankration

Emery took part in the Ancient Olympics shortly before he began his reign of terror, ultimately leading to the Basque man turning Vlad the Impaler and Count Dracula into vampires.

It’s widely believed that it was during the ancient pankration (a combat sport that was a sort of mixture of wrestling and boxing) tournament that Emery was made a vampire himself, having competed against Romulus the Bloodthirsty in the semifinals of 120BC.

Andoni Iraola: Windsurfing

We’re basing this one on nothing but vibes and instinct, and we can just see Iraola leaning with his back an inch from the water, shifting his weight about to get that sail eating up as much wind as it can, foiling like a motherf*cker.

Thomas Frank: 10km Running

This man screams 10k. A slim Dane in a pair of those really high-cut, loose-fitting running shorts, sports sunglasses on his face, possibly a headband. Definitely a headband, actually.

Breaks away with the first leading pack but drops off three laps from the end and finishes two-thirds of the way down the leaderboard.

Fabian Hurzeler: Skateboarding

Hurzeler is, by far, the youngest manager in the Premier League at 31 years old. He grew up in Germany with a Swiss father and a German mother, but he was born in the USA.

On account of being young and a little bit American, Hurzeler is our representative in the skateboarding.

Enzo Maresca: Pole Vault

Maresca started his managerial career proper in 2021, taking charge of Serie B side Parma, not doing particularly well, and departing the club less than six months later.

He then somehow managed to swing the Leicester City job, had an outstanding season that saw the Foxes promoted back to the Premier League, and has now found himself in the Chelsea hotseat.

All that is to say, the man’s rise has been meteoric. He’s shot into the stratosphere. Like a pole vaulter.

Oliver Glasner: Road Cycling

Obviously. It’s written all over him. Even the name—say it out loud—Oliver Glasner. Yeah, he’s a road cyclist.

Gets off to a flying start but a puncture and a crash ruin his chances of gold. No medal for Austria, we’re afraid. It’s a cruel and unforgiving sport.

Sean Dyche: Judo

Are you going up against Sean Dyche at Judo? Are you f*ck. Man would ippon you into a parallel universe, slam you back through the vortex, and eat you.

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TRY A QUIZ: Can you name Team GB’s squad for the 2012 London Olympics?

Marco Silva: Equestrian

Silva is the sort of slightly mysterious character who could secretly be a horseback enthusiast. It wouldn’t shock us to see the Portuguese rock up to the Olympics looking not quite as good as Snoop Dogg in the helmet and tailcoat.

Kieran McKenna: Triple Jump

He looks a bit like that football coach from Bend It Like Beckham, does McKenna.

That doesn’t really help us with assigning him an Olympic role, though. The grey hair at a relatively young age are giving us Jonathan Edwards vibes so McKenna can go on triple jump.

Incidentally, we’ve just discovered that Jonathan Edwards could run 100m in 10.48 seconds, which is f*cking fast.

He also lost his devout Christian faith in 2007 (because he simply stopped believing in God), the same year that the word hashtag was first included in the dictionary. Fair play.

Steve Cooper: Trampolining

He comes up, he gets sacked and falls back down, he comes straight back up again to take charge of Leicester City.

Stick a triple pike with a couple of twists in there and you’ve got yourself a trampolinist.

Arne Slot & Erik ten Hag: Synchronised Diving

Two baldies at two clubs that are just 33 miles apart. They both managed in the Netherlands and then moved to Northwest England for teams that play in red.

Having no hair is pretty ideal for water sports, too—less hassle.

TRY A QUIZ: Can you name the top goalscorer at every Olympic Games since 1992?

Pep Guardiola: All-Around Gymnastics

Pep needs something to keep his brain busy so he doesn’t start overthinking everything. Just get him doing as many things as possible.

“And it’s Guardiola here, setting up for the first of his big tumbles in this floor routine. Round-off double inverted fullback followed by a false-9 with a full twist. Sticks the landing beautifully. Surely, Guardiola is guaranteed a medal, here!”

That’s exactly how the commentary would go.

Eddie Howe & Jason Tindall: Badminton

If you’re having Howe in the Olympics, you also have to have Tindall in the Olympics. They’re on badminton doubles.

Tindall has only signed up because when Eddie told him badminton, Tindall thought he was saying Joelinton, and just blindly signed on the dotted line.

Nuno Espirito Santo: Table Tennis

We were going to put him on indoor cycling—he’s got an exceptionally velodromatic aura, Nuno Espirito Santo—but that wondrous beard would surely create an awful lot of drag, and we’re not telling him to shave it off. 

Russell Martin: Sailing – Finn Class

1. Martin looks a bit like Ben Ainsley who won this sailing event for Team GB in 2004.

2. Martin is, according to the tabloids, currently dating Lucy Pinder, which is the most 2004 headline imaginable.

3. Martin was born in Brighton. On the coast. Very saily.

TRY A QUIZ: Can you name every country to win the men’s Olympic football tournament?

Ange Postecoglou: Shooting

He simply looks like he could handle a pistol. Something about the facial hair or the actual hairstyle itself. That sort of relaxed yet don’t-f*ck-with-me demeanour. Just really feel like Ange is the sort of bloke who could shoot a gun.

Julen Lopetegui: Handball

Lopetegui has a head start here because he was a goalkeeper in his playing days. The best the Spanish handball team has ever done at the Olympics was winning a bronze medal (which they’ve done four times).

We reckon there’s space for Lopetegui in their squad, but we’ll happily have him in ours.

Gary O’Neil: Hockey

We need someone in our hockey team to lead on the pitch. We reckon O’Neil has the feistiness and aggression to be that guy. He’s all over penalty corners, he’s swinging that hockey stick around with reckless abandon, and he’s dragging this team to victory.