Reckon this fella makes the list...?

The 10 Premier League players with the most fouls committed in 2023-24

Nothing divides a football stadium like a dirty footballer. One set of fans joyously baying for blood like a Roman public at the Colosseum, the other screeching in indignant unison, ‘YOU DIRTY BASTARD! F*CKINELL, REF!’

Player dirtiness is quantifiable to an extent but, no matter what the stats say, we all know who the dirtiest players are. The cameras show us things that the referee can’t. The sly pokes in the ribs, the knee in the back of the thigh, the “accidental” stamp on the top of the foot.

It’s only a foul if you get caught. Here are the Premier League’s top ten foul merchants of 2023-24 as we head into the final two or three games of the season.

10. Douglas Luiz: 49

Aston Villa’s midfield general has been sensational in 2023-24. He’s one of the seemingly never-ending stream of Brazilian midfielders who can do it all.

Luiz, Lucas Paqueta, and Bruno Guimaraes can all rough it with the best of them physically, they aren’t frightened of a tackle, they can all pick a pass out of thin air, and they could all nutmeg a snake.

Douglas Luiz is even less frightened of a tackle than his compatriots, racking up 49 fouls so far, the dirty bastard.

=6. Dejan Kulusevski: 50

Dejan Kulusevski has no business being on this list. Man is a winger. Why’s he committed 50 fouls? To be fair, as wingers go, Kulusevski is relatively big and strong, so maybe he’s just throwing his weight around a bit.

Also, Spurs play a very high line, so perhaps he’s just finding himself in a position to challenge defenders more often than most wingers. Still… What a dirty bastard.

=6. Joao Palhinha: 5o

Entirely expected, this one. An absolute banker. The Portuguese midfield honey badger was born to disrupt play. He sees a flowing move, and he destroys it.

In another life, Palhinha is wandering around art galleries, just tearing up masterpieces and smashing Faberge eggs. He creeps ahead of Kulusevski in our list as he’s played 35 fewer Premier League minutes than the Swede, the dirty little bastard.

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=6. Abdoulaye Doucoure: 50

You play for Dychey, you’d better leave it all out there on the pitch. Abdoulaye Doucoure leaves everything out there, and he saves a little bit to leave on his opponents.

Doucoure is all action and he tends to play a little bit higher than his midfield colleagues, leading the charge on whichever defender is in possession and, presumably, sh*tting themself. 50 fouls in 2484 minutes for this big dirty bastard.

=6. Justin Kluivert: 50

Justin Kluivert, if you’re reading this, have a word with yourself, son. You are a 5’7″ winger and you should be nowhere near this list. Having said that, we’re here for it.

A huge achievement, and something his father never managed throughout his career. A proud moment in the Kluivert household, managing 50 hours in just 1810 minutes of football for this unnecessarily dirty bastard.

=3. Alexis Mac Allister: 51

A renowned man of bastardry, is Alexis Mac Allister. Technically exceptional? Sure. A creator and a goalscorer? Absolutely. A right nasty little prick? You bet your your life he is.

Had a red card rescinded early on in the season and has been daring the officials to give him another red ever since, the dirty, World Cup-winning bastard.

Roy Keane during the Premier League match between Bolton Wanderers and Manchester United at Reebok Stadium, Bolton, February 2003.

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=3. Destiny Udogie: 51

You get in a 1-on-1 with Destiny Udogie, your destiny is to end up on the deck. The Italian is being deployed in a sort of left wingback / trequartista / ice hockey goon role by Big Ange.

Udogie is out injured for the rest of the season, so he won’t be hurting anyone else. Premier League attackers will sleep a little bit sounder over the next fortnight or so, safe in the knowledge they won’t be running into this dirty bastard.

=3. Ryan Yates: 51

Yates scored his first Premier League goal recently, after 59 appearances. In that time, he has committed 101 fouls. Outstanding work. He’s managed a foul roughly every half-an-hour or so, in 2023-24, has Nottingham Forest’s dirtiest bastard.

2. Joao Gomes: 62

Joao Gomes, take a bow, kid. To be 11 whole fouls clear of the chasing pack in second place is quite something. Gomes is also joint-second in the yellow card standings, behind fellow filthman and Joao, Fulham’s Palhinha.

The 23-year-old will be hoping to go one better next season, but he’s going to have to really up his game in order to overtake the Prem’s dirtiest bastard.

1. Conor Gallagher: 78

What are you talking about, Conor Gallagher? How is it possible to be 16 fouls ahead of the next dirtiest bastard in the league? Last seasons joint dirtiest bastards, Joelinton and Moises Caicedo, only committed 65 fouls each. Still three games to go for Gallagher, too. Wouldn’t rule him out going for triple figures.

Conor Gallagher, you filthy, nasty, dirty little bastard.