Looking for worms.

Ranking every Premier League team by how they’d perform at a school sports day

You either loved school sports day or you hated it. No lessons, a day outside on the field, the harmless tribalism, the headteacher wandering around in some dodgy sunglasses with a megaphone in their hand… Gorgeous.

We reckon they should have a Premier League sports day. Bukayo Saka having a lovely time with some quoits, families cheering on from the sidelines, mums getting aggy with each other over whose child is the most likely to win a Ballon d’Or.

We’ve imagined how that might play out, and we’re bringing to you the final standings of the inaugural Premier League Sports Day. Which teams are the maths nerds crying in the long jump pit? Which side are the physical specimens who had their growth spurt early?

20. Burnley

They’re trying really hard. When they came up from the year below, several teachers were tipping them to do well at the next sports day, but none of them have really stepped forward.

The other kids hit puberty before they did and they just couldn’t cope. Well done for trying, though!

19. Luton Town

None of the mums or the gay dads are watching their kids. Every single one of them busy flirting with Mr. Edwards. The Hatters are disheartened.

“Look! Mum! Look how fast I am!” They’re yelling.

“Ross tells us you’re his favourite teacher. Much better than that nasty Mr. Tuchel. So, is there a Mrs. Edwards…?”


18. Brentford

They’ve got a few potential stars if they can get their sh*t together, do Brentford. Unfortunately, their best athlete has been caught betting Haribos on the egg & spoon race and therefore disqualified from all his events. Nightmare.

17. Bournemouth

Dominic Solanke is the favourite for the hoopla and comes in a respectable second place. Unfortunately, they’ve got some kid called Justin who reckons he should be doing all the events because his dad was a prefect back in the day or something.

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16. Arsenal

They were miles ahead in the hurdles but fell at the last one. They were on the verge of winning the three-legged race but Bukayo and Kai tripped over each other. They were winning the tug of war but they couldn’t quite get it over the line.

You get the idea.

15. Chelsea

Mr. Pochettino’s class have all the skill and athletic ability in the world. Problem is, Mr. Pochettino hadn’t even told them there was a sports day today. None of them know what’s going on, nobody knows who’s supposed to be taking part in which event — it’s chaos.

Somehow, they still win a couple of events — Cole Palmer wins the egg & spoon race despite never having held a spoon in his life.

14. Nottingham Forest

Decent showings all round from the Forest boys. Anthony Elanga has finished top half in the 100, Taiwo Awoniyi is winning tugs of war and shotput heats left, right, and centre. Not outstanding, but no disgrace.

13. Wolves

The Black Country boys got a new teacher at the start of the year, and this class is performing better than the sum of its parts. Mr. O’Neill’s has had the class doing teambuilding exercises for weeks leading up to this.

Making tall structures out of straws and blue tack, designing little parachutes for eggs out of paper and masking tape.

A good showing from a class of average students.

12. Manchester United

Antony’s dominating the hula-hooping tournament. He’s showboating, putting extra spins in for the craic. Harry Maguire’s been disqualified from the shotput for heading away an opponent’s throw before it hit the ground.

They’ve regained a few points because Mr Ten Hag has blown the opposition out of the water in the teachers’ sack race.

United's record goalscorer celebrates another strike against Liverpool.

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11. Brighton

Tariq Lamptey has put in a decent showing in the 100m, but it’s Kaoru Mitoma who’s really shone through for the Seagulls.

He’s done his homework. Written an essay on a new high jump technique to usurp the Fosbury Flop, produced some high-quality coursework on how best to throw a javelin.

A* for Kaoru.

10. Everton

They were having a good day, Everton, with Andre Onana and Abdoulaye Doucoure leaving the opposition for dust in the three-legged race.

Unfortunately, they’ve had to leave early because one of the organisers has caught Mr. Dyche gobbling up earthworms when he was supposed to be supervising the kids.

9. West Ham United

Kurt Zouma got the discus on lockdown. His technique is a bit strange — insists on meowing and purring at the discus before he throws it, but it seems to work. Michail Antonio has had to pull out of the sack race on account of being too hench for the sack. 

8. Aston Villa

Mr. Emery is nowhere to be seen. Refuses to make his way to the field — too much direct sunlight. John McGinn wreaking havoc in the absence of adult supervision.

He’s nipping the other competitors at the starting blocks, he’s glued his egg to his spoon, he’s cut holes in his sack… what a little tinker.

7.  Manchester City

Kyle Walker is smashing the sprints, Mr. Guardiola is telling reporters how go brilliant he thinks Burnley are at the bean bag cornhole contest — so good, guys, so, so good — and Erling Haaland is just sat with his mates, making fart noises for a daft laugh.

6. Sheffield United

The Blades have no right to have performed as well as they have, but Mr. Wilder is a man who takes sports day very seriously, and he’s got the lads terrified. hey dare not fail.

Mr. Wilder’s blowing whistles, he’s nicked the megaphone from the headteacher, he’s in a full tracksuit — this is his day, and he will not have it ruined by some sh*thouse football players.

Robbie Savage played in the worst Premier League side of all time.

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5. Tottenham

Micky van de Ven has come into this sports day with a massive reputation, and he wins the 100m by a hair’s breadth despite Alexander Isak tripping him over with his eyeballs a couple of times mid-race.

4. Newcastle United

Anthony Gordon, Harvey Barnes, Alex Isak, and Tino Livramento have put a good shift in in the 4x100m relay, Joelinton has started his own wrestling competition and has won that despite it not being an official event, Big Dan Burn has won the high jump by simply stepping over it, and Mr. Howe’s teaching assistant, Mr. Tindall, has sparked out the fella with the clipboard.

3. Crystal Palace

Michael Olise and Eberechi Eze come second in the three-legged race, and win the blindfold race by communicating telepathically.

In fact, the double-act have taken part in every single competition disguised as their teammates. Only reason they haven’t won the whole thing is pure fatigue.

2. Liverpool

It’s pandemonium. Darwin Nunez has been let off the leash and is just hurling javelins everywhere but where they’re supposed to be going. There are shot pots and discuses flying off in all directions, he’s accidentally ran and won the 400m — there’s a tangible sense of panic in the air.

Mr. Klopp knows he’s moving schools after this, so he’s just letting the kids run free. Mo Salah is in a strop because he didn’t get picked for the quoit-throwing contest.

1. Fulham

Adama Traore has finished top 3 in every single event. Even the team events. Forget SATs and GCSEs — Sports Day is what Adama’s entire year has been leading up to.

The rest of the team are back at school, doing Geography or some sh*t. Adama doesn’t need them.