The international break was FPL hell, and now you’ve gone and bought Jannik Vestergaard, you massive idiot.
A two-week period of FPL inactivity can do funny things to your mind.
After most weekends, you consider your options, rotate your subs a little, and maybe make a single transfer. But a fortnight without fixtures causes turmoil.
Just take a look at your team right now. Go on. Log in. (Your password, if I remember correctly, is ‘m@tt_targ3tt’.) Look! See what grotesque monster Bulgaria and Kosovo have created.
Is that a 5-2-3 formation? A Tammy Abraham triple-captaincy? Where the f*ck has your Wildcard gone?
Do you even remember any of this happening?
Unfortunately, the international break has caused you to make multiple critical FPL mistakes, and now there’s very little you can do about it.
These were your 10 worst decisions.
Hard to blame you for this one, though. You had Ayoze Perez and Aaron Wan-Bissaka. You didn’t have Tammy Abraham or Mason Mount. You needed to get rid of deadwood before the market value of deadwood fell too low.
Trouble is, you could have spread out the decisions across a few weeks.
But then you went on BBC Sport last Friday and saw something mundane from the Gareth Southgate presser and that was that.
Not saying Pukki is or isn’t going to have a blinder of a season — how the hell could you know that? — just saying you’ve probably made the wrong decision in (not) having him in your team.
Hat-trick against City?
Why are 148k taking out Pukki ?
— Fpl Sensei (@Fpl_sensei) September 9, 2019
Unless all five of those defenders are Joel Ward, you’ve messed up here.
That’s because, as it turns out, nobody can defend this season, so you might as well fill that backline with £4.0m fodder and hope for the best.
That being said, just under three quarters of FPL managers — and you? — have managed to avoid picking Trent Alexander-Arnold, Liverpool’s most creative player.
His initial £7.0m tag may have seemed expensive, but Michy Batshuayi and Alexis Sánchez (still owned by 0.5% of managers) were priced the same, which actually seems disrespectful towards the 20-year-old.
You should also note that the top-ranked FPL manager right now not only picked Trent but also named his team after him.
He will be key.
Tottenham could score about a hundred goals in their next five games (CRY, LEI, SOU, BHA, WAT), but woe betide anyone picking from their midfielders.
Lamela is a myth, Eriksen wants out, Dele isn’t fit, and Son & Moura thrive when Kane is injured. All that uncertainty makes them as bad as the Man City lot.
There’s only one thing for it.
And yet people like you are binning Harry Kane like he’s Simone Zaza, not the goal-gobbling God that he is.
More fool you, honestly. More fool you.
Kane’s price went up to £11.1m after a strong opening weekend, but now it’s back to a nice £11.0m thanks to idiots. But hey, maybe Harry Winks will take penalties from now on.
150,000 of you just bought this two-bit Dolph Lundgren (£5.0m) because of one goal, for which he leapt above Victor Lindelöf, a no-bit Dolph Lundgren. And that’s a whole £1.0m more than Targett in his prime!
Let’s see Vestergaard pull the same stunt against a real defender. Like John Egan (£4.5m).
You may have lucked out with Martin Kelly so far, but tight-shirted Gary Cahill is here to take his place at the drop of a hat.
Fuck Martin Kelly. Team Rio.
— Rio Ferdinand (@rioferdy5) June 3, 2012
You’re swapping Leander Dendoncker for Guendouzi? Honestly, what’s the point? Have a word with yourself.
The official FPL account has this week sung the praises of Neal Maupay, Gylfi Sigurdsson and Wesley. You could take their advice on board, but you absolutely shouldn’t.
I honestly think it would be brilliant if the Scout just crucified an underperforming player like Ayoze Pérez — just begged you to sell him at all costs and posted a compilation of his fails with clown music, just absolutely ripping the shit out of him.
But no, the Scout is inexplicably positive about every single player. Pointless!
A restful summer 🏖
Secure starter 🔒
Appealing fixtures 📆
— Fantasy Premier League (@OfficialFPL) July 20, 2018