A clichéd New Year’s resolution for every Premier League club in 2021
New Year’s resolutions. A lot of us make them, a lot of us fail to achieve them. Yet every year we still enter the same process, somehow hoping that this one will be the one.
Premier League clubs often make a lot of major changes throughout the year but what if they made a resolution on New Year’s Eve?
Well, wonder no more, because we have taken the liberty of giving each Premier League team their own incredibly cliched New Year’s resolution for 2021…
Resolution: “Lose weight”
The Gunners are certainly a bit fat, and trimming the large number of unnecessary pounds attached will do wonders for them.
A lot of exercise in the January transfer window should do the trick, and shift some of the deadwood… I mean, weight.
Resolution: “Start meditating”
It can be easy to get carried away when things are going so well for you, so it is important to practice mindfulness in order to keep yourself grounded.
If you don’t get yourself in the right headspace, things can start to turn quickly.
Resolution: “Be more productive”
Sure, you’re stylish and quite likeable, but what have you actually got to show for it?
The Seagulls frequently play well but fail to bring home three points. Style can only get you so far, Graham. Sometime soon you will need some substance.
Resolution: “Stop making excuses”
Sean Dyche has really turned into a top-class whinger this season, hasn’t he?
Ultimately, responsibility rests with him, however. Canning the excuses sooner rather than later will only do the Clarets good.
Resolution: “Spend less money”
What do material objects actually bring you? A car? A TV? Kai Havertz? It’s all just stuff, man.
Sometimes everything you need to be happy is already with you.
Resolution: “Tell that one person that I love them”
Tell Wilfried Zaha and tell him now.
What are you still doing here? He’s probably thinking of leaving. Go and tell him!
Resolution: “Stop comparing myself to others”
Hey, come on now. Just because your neighbours have won the Champions League and Premier League in the last two seasons doesn’t mean you have to go chasing it.
Fifth is pretty cool! How about just making that your own for now, yeah?
Resolution: “Find myself”
‘Who am I? Where am I going? What do I really want from life?’
There is no shame in not knowing the answers to these questions, but if Scott Parker can figure any of them out, it will make 2021 a much better year for Fulham.
Resolution: “Stop worrying about what other people think of me”
So what if those nasty pundits keep saying mean things about you? Screw ’em!
Do you really want to keep losing sleep over Gaby Agbonglahor’s opinion? As long as you are happy with yourself, nothing else matters.
Resolution: “To advance in my career”
Last season looked like being a wondrous one for The Foxes. One where they finally took that next step and joined the Premier League elite.
It didn’t happen, of course, but this year is their year… probably.
Resolution: “Be kinder”
No one likes being thrashed 7-0, Liverpool so just wind it in a bit, yeah?
You’ve shown promising signs against Newcastle and West Brom but I think we can be even kinder in 2021.
Resolution: “To live a simple life”
Who really wants the hassle of negotiating many multi-million-pound transfer deals or pushing the rules of FFP to their limits anyway?
No one needs that stress. What you already have is wonderful, City. Time to cherish it.
Resolution: “Get myself organised”
There is a clearly a lot of ability to work with but basic organising has often let them down in recent years.
If Ole Gunnar Solskjaer and the crew can get that right in 2021, there could be some very happy United fans in Manchester. And Surrey. And Edinburgh. And the East Midlands.
Resolution: “End a toxic relationship”
Whether it is a colleague, ex-partner, or a billionaire owner of your football club, the start of a new year can be the perfect time to tip certain people onto the scrapheap.
I cannot be certain there is, but if there is anyone at Newcastle like this, 2021 would be a good year to finally get rid.
Resolution: “Keep on surviving”
Sometimes the best we can hope for is to just keep things as they are.
Granted, that will be no one else’s plan, but if Sheffield United are able to start 2022 in the Premier League, I think that will be counted as a success.
Resolution: “Focus on me”
For too long the Saints have done nothing but please other clubs, either through player sales or managerial departures.
Now it is time for some self-loving on the South Coast. Keep Ralph Hasenhuttl close and don’t let Jannik Vestergaard out of your sight.
Resolution: “Engage in self-care”
The self-destructive tendencies at Tottenham have held them back for too damn long now and they themselves don’t even truly believe glory will be achieved – even when it looks close.
It is time they started believing in themselves again, and some self-care can be the perfect way to do that.
Resolution: “Be more trusting”
Just because it seems like something might not be working right now, doesn’t mean it won’t work out in the end.
Trust the process… and your promotion-winning managers.
Resolution: “Be more positive”
Considering their fans frequently sing about their dreams fading and dying, it perhaps should not be too surprising that negativity is often the default mood at West Ham.
But where has got them recently? Maybe it’s time to switch up the vibe. Although responsibility for that lies at the top of the club.
Resolution: “Try something new”
Yep, that’s right. It’s time for another joke about Wolves signing a lot of Portuguese players, so strap in!
Hey, Wolves, you know there are other nationalities out there right?! Is it really Wolverhampton Wanderers? Or is it Jorge Mendes FC? Ha!