Calculating how every PL team would do in a big game of Wembley Doubles
If the Premier League staged its own equivalent to the Royal Rumble with a huge game of Wembley Doubles, how would the likes of Arsenal, Liverpool and Manchester United fare?
Wembley Doubles is a better way to play football than real football. Getting the Premier League involved makes sense for everyone.
Say what you like about cricket, the bat-and-ball sport caters for a broad palette of tastes. Even at international level, there are three distinct formats: T20 matches, ODIs and test matches. Each game has a specific set of rules, and each has its own specialist players and unique appeal.
With the spotlight invariably on 11-a-side, itâs easy to forget that football, too, is divided into three formats.
Besides the main one, thereâs also the mid-size format comprising games like futsal and five-a-side. These are objectively harder than 11-a-side, because you canât take a breather, you canât go in the box and, when the game is up, you often have to empty sand or black rubber pellets out of your shoes.
But the most gruelling and (arguably) the most worthwhile game of football is something else entirely, a third format generally reserved for playgrounds and parks.
This game is called Wembley Doubles, âCuppiesâ in some parts of Britain, a game of two-a-side football with an unlimited number of teams and a single neutral goalkeeper.
In Wembley Doubles, the keeper turns his back on the competing pairs and throws the ball over his or her head; players, in pairs, then try and win the ball and score into the one goal. Deflected shots count as goals for the defensive player and handballs result in a queue of penalties for every other team. And rather than tally the goals, teams go âthroughâ to the next round when they score, with one duo eliminated each round.
Itâs an absolute crapshoot, a footballing battle royale, and if professional sides didnât depend on big squads and long seasons to make money, it would undoubtedly be the dominant form of the game.
Even in a game of Wembley doubles Allardyce, Moyes and Pulis would park the bus. #TOTWHU
— Luke (@Lukeessex91) January 4, 2018
In fact, if Richard Scudamore and co had thought properly about âGame 39â, they would have proposed a massive 41-man game of Premier League Wembley Doubles in Dubai instead of random extra fixtures.
It would be great, and it would pan out something like thisâŠ
Stoke City
Charlie Adam, Jese Rodriguez
Dead last. Charlie Adamâs ability to shoot from the half-way line is not a useful skill in Wembley Doubles, and these two donât get on.
Arsenal
Per Mertesacker, Mesut Ozil
A good pairing, but not cut out for a game with no referee. Arsenal out next.
Liverpool
Dejan Lovren, James Milner
A wildcard and a penalty taker claim seniority over Liverpoolâs very talented attacking players. Itâs not enough. 18th.
Burnley
Ashley Barnes, Jon Walters
Sometimes you donât want to hear âUs lot v. you lotâ, and when these two come skulking up to the pitch, scuffed Mitre Tactic under Barnesâ arm, the mood darkens. Other pairs team up against the Burnley forwards to make sure they go home sooner rather than later.
Huddersfield Town
Collin Quaner, Christopher Schindler
Iâve a soft spot for these two â Quaner being something of an unorthodox winger â but they have no idea what theyâre doing here.
READ:Â Finding beauty in unorthodox wingers, from Emile Heskey to Dirk Kuyt
Newcastle United
Jonjo Shelvey, Christian Atsu
Wembley Doubles seems a good fit for a player happy to shoot from corners. Atsu has pace.
Chelsea
Olivier Giroud, NâGolo KantĂ©
Giroud: on the verge of conceding a pen for goalhanging. KantĂ©: willing to chase a shit clearance across a busy road. Itâs not enough, and Chelsea finish 14th.
Southampton
Shane Long, Fraser Forster
Yeah, letâs have Forster in the mix. Works well in the congested early rounds.
West Ham
Javier Hernandez, Andy Carroll
Standing on the post is just about permitted in the early rounds, which works for Chicharito. Backwards headers encouraged.
Swansea City
Nathan Dyer, Wayne Routledge
I canât believe either, let alone both of these players still play for Swansea. They must have a kind of understanding by now. 11th.
Everton
Wayne Rooney, Leighton Baines
Both have the right attitude and skills. Both could have been part of the PE kickabout in Kes.
Manchester United
Jesse Lingard, Paul Pogba
âPenalties all roooooound!â screams Jesse Lingard, tongue out, arms dabbing.
READ:Â Jesse Lingard, irrational hatred & needing a reason to dislike Man Utd
Crystal Palace
Wilfried Zaha, Jason Puncheon
A good mix of skill and experience sees the Palace pair well into the top 10.
Tottenham
Harry Kane, Dele Alli
A finisher, a nutmegger. Strong Wembley Doubles credentials. 7th.
Leicester City
Jamie Vardy, Harry Maguire
Maguireâs bin bag can double as a post, but itâs Vardy who shines in this game.
Bournemouth
Jermain Defoe, Callum Wilson
Finishing counts.
Watford
Troy Deeney, Heurelho Gomes
Troy Deeney is quite possibly the worldâs best Wembley Doubles player, but Gomes could definitely offer something too. Deeney once referred to Gomes as both âthe big manâ and âthe main manâ in the space of a few seconds, which surely means something.
Brighton
Bruno, Steve Sidwell
No way are these two friends, but you can sort of imagine wily old Bruno coercing the keeper â probably Stuart Taylor, whoâs usually around â into dropping the ball onto the goal line instead of chucking it into the fray. Always happens once.
Manchester City
Kevin de Bruyne, Sergio Aguero
First ones through each round without anyone batting an eye, and yetâŠ
West Brom
Chris Brunt, Gareth McAuley
Freed of the shackles of having to jog around for 90 minutes, Gareth McAuley comes into his own, converting Brunt cross after Brunt cross. A clear winner.
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