37 times commentators got it wrong: Kammy, Keegan, Motson & more…

Planet Football • 25 Dec 2022

Being paid to talk about a football game might sound like the easiest job in history, but it’s not always as simple as you might assume – as this lot have proven over the years.

Many thanks to the Twitter account @C0LEMANBALLS and the book “Pulled Off At Half-Time” – Football’s Finest Quotes and Funniest Quips for the source material in putting this together.

Enjoy. And tweet us any we’ve missed out at @planetfutebol.

Physics

“It’s end-to-end stuff, but from side to side” – Trevor Brooking

Geography

“The Belgians will play like their fellow Scandinavians, Denmark and Sweden” – Andy Townsend

Maths

Stamford Bridge holds 42,000, so 10 per cent of that would be about 4.1 thousand.
– Mike Parry

— 🅒︎🅞︎🅛︎🅔︎🅜︎🅐︎🅝︎🅑︎🅐︎🅛︎🅛︎🅢︎ (@C0LEMANBALLS) September 19, 2018

Mixed metaphor

“The lad got overexcited when he saw the whites of the goalpost’s eyes” – Steve Coppell

Second [is] best

“Argentina are the second-best team in the world, and there’s no higher praise than that” – Ron Atkinson

Literally

“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again” – Terry Venables

Confused

“I would not say that he [David Ginola] is one of the best left wingers in the Premiership, but there are none better” – Ron Atkinson

Bad men

“We’ve managed to wrong a few rights” – Kevin Keegan

**Lovely sh*thouse**

“He’s not only a good player, but he’s spiteful in the nicest sense of the world” – Ron Atkinson

Who’s the bastard on your arm?

“Have a look at your ref, watch ”
– ROBBIE SAVAGE

— 🅒︎🅞︎🅛︎🅔︎🅜︎🅐︎🅝︎🅑︎🅐︎🅛︎🅛︎🅢︎ (@C0LEMANBALLS) July 24, 2016

Stating the obvious

“They’ve flown in from all over the world, have the rest of the world team” – Brian Moore

And again

“The Italians are hoping for an Italian victory” – David Coleman

And again

“He’s 31 this year: last year he was 30” – David Coleman

Word up

“If Glenn Hoddle said one word to his team at half-time, it was concentration and focus” – Ron Atkinson

Be yourself

“Glenn Hoddle hasn’t been the Hoddle we know. Neither has Bryan Robson” – Ron Greenwood

Down to business

“And now we have the formalities over, we’ll have the national anthems” – Brian Moore

Fact

If you closed your eyes you couldn't tell the difference between the two sides.
– Phil Brown

— 🅒︎🅞︎🅛︎🅔︎🅜︎🅐︎🅝︎🅑︎🅐︎🅛︎🅛︎🅢︎ (@C0LEMANBALLS) March 12, 2018

Did they or didn’t they?

“The only thing Norwich didn’t get was the goal they finally got” – Jimmy Greaves

Iconic

“Welcome to Bologna on Capital Gold for England vs San Marino with Tennent’s Pilsner, brewed in Czechoslovakian yeast for that extra Pilsner taste, and England are one down” – Jonathan Pearce

Missing: A word

“Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team to win this cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs team” – Mike Ingham

Third Eye

Confidence seems to be draining away. You can invisibly see that.
– MICHAEL OWEN

— 🅒︎🅞︎🅛︎🅔︎🅜︎🅐︎🅝︎🅑︎🅐︎🅛︎🅛︎🅢︎ (@C0LEMANBALLS) July 1, 2016

Helpful

“For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the yellow strip” – John Motson

Daunting

“It was the game that put the Everton ship back on the road” – Alan Green

Anti-ageing

“One or two of their players aren’t getting any younger” – Clive Tyldesley

Some things stay the same…

“I came to Nantes two years ago and it’s much the same today, except that it’s completely different” – Kevin Keegan

Maybe they did?

Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.
– Metro Radio

— 🅒︎🅞︎🅛︎🅔︎🅜︎🅐︎🅝︎🅑︎🅐︎🅛︎🅛︎🅢︎ (@C0LEMANBALLS) May 19, 2015

A really bad pass

“Ziege hits it high for Heskey, who isn’t playing” – Alan Green

ABC

“Well, Clive, it’s all about the two Ms – movement and positioning” – Ron Atkinson

Guess who

“Xavier, who looks like Zeus, not that I have any idea what Zeus looks like” – Alan Green

Just a number

“The ageless Teddy Sheringham, 37 now” – Tony Gubba

Distraction tactic

“Brazil – they’re so good it’s like they are running around the pitch playing with themselves” – John Motson

Eyes don’t lie

Steven Gerrard looks as though he's been playing for England all his international career.
– Trevor Brooking

— 🅒︎🅞︎🅛︎🅔︎🅜︎🅐︎🅝︎🅑︎🅐︎🅛︎🅛︎🅢︎ (@C0LEMANBALLS) June 15, 2015