A definitive ranking of Premier League ballers based on how they’d handle an all-inclusive holiday
Footballers have long had more money than sense. Premier League stars continue to take that to another level, though, with the likes of Chelsea, Manchester United and Manchester City throwing incomprehensible wages at their top players.
Without being too harsh, footballers’ holidays are very predictable. And while we respect their wish for privacy, they ought to try something other than the Maldives, Mykonos or Dubai once in their lives, especially with that infinite pot of cash.
In a bid to inspire some character-building and bring them back down to a working-class level, we’ve taken some of the Premier League’s biggest names and ranked them based on how they’d fare if stuck on a budget all-inclusive 10-dayer. Think unlimited booze, pizza, pasta and chips for dinner, and water polo galore – what could go wrong?
Starting at the very bottom, it’s not that Maguire wouldn’t enjoy a cheap and cheerful break in Benidorm, or a trip to Tenerife. In fact, we think he’d warm to it nicely.
Too nicely, though. Far too nicely. We all know what happened with him in Mykonos, and if he can cause such a fuss there, he’d undoubtedly be a complete liability fuelled up to the heavens on all-inclusive cervezas and Robbie Williams’ greatest hits from midday every day. Stick to the quiet spots, Harry.
An Italian trying to get used to the North East, there’s no doubt some of the lads at Newcastle will try and bend Tonali’s ear about a cheap getaway for him and the partner, but realistically he’ll be having none of it.
Knows how us Brits behave on holiday. And he comes from Italy, which has way too many beautiful places for him to ever need to go anywhere else. Won’t get the early drinking or the karaoke. Deeply mistrusting of his colleagues after they sent him to Spoons. Next.
— Murph (@NUFCMurph) August 14, 2023
A man that should appreciate the art of the all-inclusive growing up in the humble surroundings of Stockport, money has unlocked a new life for Foden and his partner and changed them for the worst.
While he has fond memories of Ibiza 2009 with the family, where he won the football competition at kids club every day and played table tennis with his old man from dawn until dusk, it’s now strictly Dubai or anywhere else with those naff, artificial beach clubs and terrible playlists. Traitor. Money talks.
Similar vibes to Foden. Probably holidays with him, actually. The pair love an overpriced bottle of Ciroc, expensive slides and really underwhelming techno music.
Slightly less disappointing than the Manchester City maestro, though, because being from down south, Elliott likely hasn’t turned his back on the greatest holiday one can experience.
Virgil van Dijk
Way too sensible and professional to enjoy an all-inclusive, so probably wouldn’t book one.
Can’t even enjoy the afternoon water polo because it’ll ruin his majestic hair. Would perhaps enjoy the evening entertainment and slyly dominate the table tennis tournaments, but if you’re not sinking the drinks and smashing three courses at breakfast, what’s the point?
Has potential, but too sensible to act on it.
Like Elliott, the all-inclusive just isn’t something you can picture Mount taking part in. Born in Portsmouth, his accent tells us the whole story – ski trips and expensive villa getaways every year.
However, there is a small glimpse of potential in the Manchester United man. While on the surface he screams Ocean Beach and champagne showers, a few months up north might just broaden his horizons. Might have to drag him to one of Tenerife’s posher resorts, but after a few all-inclusive Mojitos, he’d enjoy himself a lot. Probably won’t admit it. But he would.
Would try his best to recruit big Virg into the pool for water polo, but to no avail. Too professional to stuff his face and more concerned with keeping the abs popping.
Lets loose in the evening, though, and goes big with the portions in the A La Carte one evening. A sucker for the evening entertainment.
Odegaard hasn’t really had the chance to let his hair down at any point over the last 10 years, considering he’d signed for Real Madrid by the age of 16 and has since blossomed into one of the best creative midfielders in Europe.
He’s also got a rather sensible head on his shoulders and needs to be taking care of himself. We reckon he’s quite open-minded, but the idea of 10 days all-inclusive is probably bottom on his list of holidays. Strikes us as a man that prefers to sip wine in Monte Carlo or Portofino, or head back to Scandinavia every summer.
Not a personal grudge, just simply hasn’t been given the experience his life is missing yet. Might change him for the better.
Similarly to Odegaard, Saka probably has better things to do than spend a week doing water aerobics and learning the Spanish for ‘beer please, mate’.
But we see potential in him. The lad works hard and deserves to play hard. Being waited on with all the free drinks – be it alcoholic or not – he desires. That, sat around a pool with the occasional game of table tennis and hotel darts? Yeah, Bukayo would secretly love a bit of that.
Bangs on to you about a hotel he insists is amazing – the pinnacle of luxury – and sells you a good time fuelled on cocktails, infinity pools and water features in your room.
However, you realise after a day or two or being there at his recommendation that it’s actually tired and outdated, and has actually just gotten worse since winning that fancy award eight years ago. Sounds a bit like his career, coincidentally.
The man responsible for twisting the heads of Saka and Odegaard. Mrs was having none of it, but Tierney insisted they’ll book a posh one.
Did some shopping around and found a bargain. Two pools. Stocked mini-fridge. British beers imported. Music around the pool. Get in.
Catch him there, 11am giving it double fist pumps to Calvin Harris. Sending videos to Bukayo and Martin. They’re hooked. He should be a travel rep, should Tierney.
Has absolutely no idea what an all-inclusive consists of, but was recommended one when bumping into a fan and that was it.
Sold on the promise of unlimited food, drink and fun. Sounded a right laugh. Gets there and finds himself in a headlock by an Everton fan on his first night at the resort. They get where water can’t.
Richy loves it, though. Pigeon dancing with the entertainment team every night for a week and books again for next year on the way out. He’s been spiritually awakened.
Everyone gets on Fernandes’ back – even United fans get sick of him at times – but he comes across as one of the most ordinary, family-focused men in elite level football these days.
He’s a leader on the pitch and in the dressing room, and loves a bit of fun. Likes a moan just as much, though, so his partner books a private transfer instead of the coach to the hotel, but when he’s there he’s happy as Larry. No complaints. Easy going. In the pool with the kids and tipping the bar staff. Takes water polo way too seriously, though. Asking for yellow cards, the lot.
Chill out Bruno, You’re on your holidays.
Not his first choice anymore now that he’s got a bit of dough to spend, but he’ll never say no to a good time. Stag do vibes. A secret arrival on the holiday and absolutely lights it up.
Not what he’s used to anymore – prefers Ibiza or somewhere more up-market – but Grealish can make do. Easily. Feed him a few quad vods and he’s off. Running by the pool to the dismay of the lifeguard and chatting to everyone he sees in broken Spanish. Accidentally damages the hotel room, but he’s sound and leaves behind some cash to sort it out.
Probably won’t go back again, but boy did he love it. The hotel’s eternal beer pong champion.
Headed all-inclusive on the recommendation of his City colleagues, you can take the boy out of Leeds, but can’t take the Leeds out of the boy. That’s the difference between Haaland and fellow Norwegian Odegaard.
You can see him there. Leeds United towel, shorts, hat. City ones too. He was built for the all-inclusive. Absolutely nails three plates of breakfast every morning but it doesn’t even touch him, because he’s a unit. Spends his week talking to Leeds fans abroad and bouncing around the one nightclub on the resort, double parking his drinks.
Why does Haaland look like a 13 year old girl who’s just back from holiday in Benidorm pic.twitter.com/0l3qxi2B1O
— Fitba Patter (@FitbaPatter) July 13, 2023
John Stones & Kyle Walker
They come as a package duo, these two. Their partners weren’t having their idea of the four of them taking on an all-inclusive, so they’ve taken the kids and booked it themselves.
Absolute carnage. Helping kids club during the day every day, smashed by 8pm every night. The life and soul of the resort. Kids hate it, they love it. Yorkshire takes over the Canary Islands. Matching towels, matching shorts, first two to the bar every morning. Unlimited ice cream for the kids. This is the life.
The king of the all-inclusive. There’s never been a Premier League footballer that screams ‘we met in kid’s club in Mallorca in 2006’ more than Maddison. And he’d relive it in a heartbeat.
Take the kids on one, teach them young. Mrs wasn’t sure, but Madders wasn’t backing down. It’s a rite of passage. Like a kid in a candy shop when he’s there. Hair spiked up with the finest VO5 gel one can take through airport security, new football shirts galore for each day, trying every drink on the menu, helping out the entertainment team, first up in the morning for the sunbeds – the whole shebang.
This is a veteran all-inclusive lad. But the real piece de resistance? Hotel darts. Madders treats it like the PDC World Championship. Brings his own darts, ready to reclaim his crown. And loses to a child. You can see him fuming. Holiday ruined.