17 funny English translations of foreign football player and manager names

Quick Reads

Trawling Reddit can sometimes be a pretty joyless experience…but then you stumble across a thread of foreign footballer and manager names translated into English.

When it comes to the pronunciation of foreign names, British people are left with a bit of a dilemma: whether you go with the English-sounding version or the native version, someone’s going to think you’re a prat.

Everyone’s lives would certainly be a lot easier, not to mention a whole lot more enjoyable, if these English equivalents of non-English names – courtesy of the brilliant r/soccer community on Reddit – were used instead.

Jordi Alba – George Sunrise

What a lovely name. Get us a deed poll.

Massimiliano Allegri – Max Cheerful

We really need to make this a thing.

Luís Boa Morte – Louis Good Death

You do not try to tackle a man called Louis Good Death.

Carlos Bocanegra – Carl Black Mouth

The sort of nickname someone gets stuck with for 30 years for eating too many Black Jacks as a kid.

Frank de Boer – Frank the Farmer

It’s actually kinda rude that neither Frank nor Ronald gave farming a go all things considered.

Kevin De Bruyne – Kevin the Brown

The man does not tan.

Vicente del Bosque – Vincent from the Forest

Picture Vincent from the Forest. He’s got a great tache, hasn’t he?

Antonio Di Natale – Anthony from Christmas

Napoli fans certainly considered him a gift.

Josep Guardiola – Joseph Piggybank

*Jose Mourinho likes this*

Ciro Immobile – Cyrus Motionless

A pretty harsh name for a player with a strike rate better than a goal every other game. Although, having said that, you’re guaranteed to be in the right place if you never move in the first place.

Aymeric Laporte – Aymeric The Door

A pretty fitting name for a man part of a Manchester City defence which conceded only 23 goals in 38 Premier League games in 2018-19.

Laporte would probably like to think he was a touch more mobile than a door, mind.

Juan Mata – John Bush

Now this one we cannot accept. You can not call that lovely man John Bush.

Danilo Popivoda – Daniel Drinkwater

Daniel Drinkwater drinking water is a gift from the gods, but this should have been a joke back in the 70s when Popivoda was playing for Yugoslavia.

We’re forty years late with it.

Teemu Pukki – Teemu Goat

Well, Norwich City fans have been trying to tell us.

Sergio Ramos – Sergeant Bouquets

If only we’d known. You can’t be a hard man with a surname like Bouquets.

READ: A begrudging tribute to Sergio Ramos, football’s irreplaceable anti-hero

Nuno Espirito Santo – Nuno Holy Ghost

He’s certainly got Wolves fans believing again.

Lucas Torreira – Luke Turret

Another one that makes so much sense. He was born to play for Arsenal.

There’s plenty more where these came from on Reddit. We haven’t even scratched the surface.

More from Planet Football

17 of football’s most ridiculous tattoos: Icardi, Materazzi, Wenger…

13 unlikely footballer friendships: 50 Cent, Dale Winton, Ed Sheeran…

12 of the weirdest things thrown on pitches: Sex toys, Betty Boop, fish…

Seven players who peaked in their later years: Di Natale, Zlatan, Bierhoff…