Bundesliga, 2. day of play - 1. FC Kaiserslautern versus FC Bayern Munich - The coach of Munich, Louis van Gaal, laughs with an unknown man at the Fritz-Walter stadium in Kaiserslautern, Germany, 02 September 2010.

11 of Louis van Gaal’s most outrageous, batsh*t and hilarious quotes ft. Messi, Di Maria, Liverpool…

Louis van Gaal has a reputation as one of football’s most combative and outspoken characters.

He’s certainly earned that reputation over the years, having provided us with a goldmine of quotes across his time in charge of Ajax, Barcelona, Bayern Munich, Manchester United and the Netherlands.

We’ve gone through and picked out 11 of Van Gaal’s most memorable quotes. Reckon there are any corkers we’re missing? Let us know @planetfutebol.

Lionel Messi

“I don’t really want to say much about it. When you see how Argentina gets the goals and how we get the goals, and how some Argentina players overstepped the mark and were not punished, then I think it was a premeditated game.”

When asked to clarify his comments, Van Gaal responded: “I mean everything I say. That Messi should become world champion? I think so, yes.”

Mike Smalling

“That’s my philosophy, the players have to accept the captain – the first captain is Wayne Rooney, the second captain is Michael Carrick and last year the third captain was Mr. Mike Smalling, sorry, I mean Chris Smalling.”


“We have to keep the ball better and we have to move the ball quicker – that’s always what we have to do,” Van Gaal said ahead of Manchester United’s 2016 Europa League clash with Midtjylland.

“Desire … it is a great word. I often use the word ‘horny’ with my players.”

Big Sam

“Because I expected this question, I have made an interpretation of the data for this game and then I have to say that it is not a good interpretation from Big Sam,” said Van Gaal before handing out a detailed tactical dossier, responding to Sam Allardyce’s suggestion that Manchester United played long ball football.

“When you have 60 per cent ball possession do you think that you can do that with long balls?

“Yeah, long balls, in the width, to switch the play. You have to look at the data and then you will see that we did play long balls, but long balls wide, rather than to the striker.

“A ball to the forward striker is mainly caused long-ball play.

“It is not so difficult also to read that.”

Lady with a saxophone

The full transcript of Van Gaal’s infamous 2015 Manchester United awards dinner speech is a thing to behold, peaking with the final iconic lines:

“I want to say something. Pay attention to the manager!

“Ryan Giggs said to me, and he is always right but in this case particularly right. I have said to you you are the best fans in the world but tonight I was a little bit disappointed and I shall say why.

“I have seen a lady who plays the saxophone fantastically. Give her big applause!”


“For me, Liverpool are a fantastic club. Because I have won every game against Liverpool.”

It was true when he said it. But then Jurgen Klopp’s Reds knocked them out of the Europa League in 2016.

Sex masochism

“When you see what Huth is doing to Fellaini, that’s a penalty,” raged Van Gaal after replays showed Robert Huth pulling the Marouane Fellani’s hair in a 2016 match between Manchester United and Leicester City.

“Shall I grab you by your hair? What is your reaction when I grab your hair? Your hair is shorter than Fellaini but, when I do that, what are you doing then? It’s a reaction.

“Every human being who is grabbed by the hair, only with sex masochism, then it is allowed but not in other situations. They did it. They did it several times I think.

“Huth was the guy who grabbed the hair of Fellaini. I think the reaction of Fellaini is like a human being.”

A humble introduction

“Congratulations on signing the best coach in the world,” Van Gaal said when unveiled as Ajax manager.

Taking on journalists

“Am I the one who’s so smart, or are you so stupid?”

Angel Di Maria

“Di Maria called me the worst manager he’s ever had? He’s one of the few players with that opinion,” Van Gaal said.

“I’m sorry for that and I think it’s sad that he said that. Memphis had to deal with that too in Manchester, and now we kiss on the lips.”

READ: Angel Di Maria’s Man Utd nightmare in quotes: ‘Talented but a complete fanny’

Fat Man

“Wayne Rooney has taken a lot of criticism this season…” began one journalist before Van Gaal interrupted and spat back.

“We don’t speak any more about Wayne Rooney, yeah? You have criticised him, I don’t. You.”

“You too, fat man, there,” he added in the direction of The Sun’s Neil Custis.


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