Mark Lawrenson spent years as one of Britain’s foremost football pundits, dividing opinion with his Eeyoreish nature and peculiar habits – but Planet Football are willing to cross the barricade and declare our love for the former Liverpool defender.
After a successful playing career, and short-stint on the coaching staff at Kevin Keegan’s Newcastle, Lawro became a fixture on the Match of the Day sofa and provided a much-needed counter-balance to football’s increasingly saccharine boosterism.
His days were numbered when the likes of Gary Neville and Jamie Carragher combined forensic insight with relentless banter. That was never Lawro’s gig; he was the bloke watching the game in your local snooker hall, sipping a lager top and smelling faintly of crisps.
But there’s something to admire about Lawrenson. He was never trying to impress anybody, never trying to sh*t in your hand and call it Dairy Milk. And it’s unlikely we’ll ever see anything like it again after he was phased out by the BBC last year.
So, we’ve identified 11 of Lawrenson’s most cringeworthy and brilliant dad jokes for your enjoyment. You never know what you’ll miss until it’s gone…
Remember, the real reason Mark Lawrenson thinks “the game’s gone” is ‘cos no one laughs at his jokes. pic.twitter.com/FbxEdzPBLd
— FootballJOE (@FootballJOE) January 28, 2018
If the FIFA World Cup is a party, Lawrenson is the grudgingly family member sitting in the corner with a plastic bag of Tennants with a face on.
His co-commentary was a masterclass in sighs, saying ‘not’ at the end of sentences decades after Wayne’s World was popular, and occasionally pithy one-liners.
“Dislocated shoelace” was one disdainful assessment of a French player rolling on the floor in 2018. The phrase has lived with us ever since.
After viewing this, Bob Mortimer threw down his pen and vowed to give up this comedy lark.
What the fuck is Mark Lawrenson on about? Ultra HD plug and he’s on about milk??? pic.twitter.com/hJmuyLd74P
— Forest Fans Scared of Forest Support Group (@ScaredOfForest) June 25, 2018
We’ve tried to convince ourselves that Lawro is joking here. But he isn’t, isn’t he?
To think Mark Lawrenson has played and commentated on football all his life, and this is still his greatest moment on television is literally astonishing 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/UlJejZgaz1
— Jordan Marley (@JordanMarley22) June 25, 2018
When Valencia keeper Santiago Canizares dropped a bottle of aftershave on his foot, ruling himself out of the 2002 World Cup, Lawrenson remarked the injury had “scuppered his chances of a move to Cologne.”
His remark coincided with the BBC studio being invaded by an army of crickets. Wonder why?
This still makes us laugh now.
“I… I suppose that’s a foul,” said Guy Mowbray on commentary as England toiled against Slovenia at South Africa 2010. “In a good position, too. It was only a little tap.”
“I guess he should’ve been a plumber, then, Guy,” replied Lawro as the nation’s collective sphincter tightened.
Like your da’ interrupting your cousin’s wedding service, Lawro showed no sense of occasion during the 2018 World Cup.
— Kevin Windsor 💙 (@Reni_Von_Skwid) July 3, 2018
Lawro once greeted a dive during a World Cup match between Iran and Portugal with the kind of noise that suggested he’d just seen his ex walk into a pub.
Is Mark Lawrenson ok?? pic.twitter.com/RsXDYJ0fFg
— sunshinekid (@sunshinekid10) June 25, 2018
“England are numerically outnumbered in the midfield,” Lawro said during one international. Our greatest philosophers and mathematicians are still trying to decipher its meaning.
As Birmingham City beat Arsenal in the 2011 League Cup final, despite the presence of shot-shy striker Nikola Zigic, Lawro pinpointed the Serbian’s major limitation: “Zigic is 6’8′ when standing and 5’6′ when jumping.”