logo
logo
Atlanta defender Brooks Lennon (11) reacts after scoring a first-half goal during the American Family Insurance Cup match between Toluca FC and Atlanta United FC on February 15th, 2023 at Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta, GA.

A totally scientific ranking of every 2023 MLS kit from worst to best

Michael Lee •

The 2023 MLS season is upon us and we’ve undertaken a mission of extreme importance; casting our discerning eye over all the kits and ranking them using our foolproof scientific method.

Before NASA get on our case, this science is limited to the judgement of our office fashionista. Your opinions may differ, and we’re not about to claim ours are totally bombproof, but our Amercian cousins have certainly put their unique stamp on traditional football jerseys.

The pleasure of ranking the kit of every MLS team from worst to best has been ours. Strap yourselves in…

29. CF Montreal

Despite the new season being imminent, Montreal haven’t got around to releasing their kit yet.

So it doesn’t matter if their eventual shirt reaches Brazil 1970 levels of ubiquity. We have deadlines to stick to…

28. Austin FC

There’s a lot going on here, and most of it ain’t pretty.

We’re fans of the colours, an alluring combination of green and black that wouldn’t look out of place in the Brazilian league.

But the kooky jumble of lines, blocks and pinstripes is giving us a migrane. Best avoided.

27. St Louis City

We guarantee that the brainstorming behind St Louis’ kit took exactly forty seconds before everybody pissed off to the bar.

26. Los Angeles FC

Christ.

25. FC Cincinnati

Whilst they were aiming for ‘river’, Cincinnati’s new home shirt more closely resembles an oil spill in a local stream.

24. Sporting Kansas City

Unless you’re a zebra or help implement the Highway Code, stripes are not flattering. This rule applies doubly to Kansas City’s horizontal striped jersey.

23. Toronto City

Red and black, in theory, is an ideal colour combination for a brooding football kit; imagine a hoard of lads decked out like Dennis the Menace bearing down on you and a change of trousers is required.

But something about Toronto City’s 2023 shirt isn’t hitting the spot and we think it’s the uninspired grey, encroaching on our visions of footballing nirvana.

Never mind.

 

22. Real Salt Lake

Nice colours, but a bit boring. And it looks like the kind of shirt you’d wear to bed or to plant petunias in the garden.

 

 

21. D.C. United

Blessed with a nice cherry blossom trim, we’ve punished D.C. United for not getting Wayne Rooney to model their new shirt. Boo.

20. FC Dallas

Slightly slicker than D.C. United, but it doesn’t exactly make our hearts sing.

19. Vancouver Whitecaps

This Whitecaps effort signifies our exit from the most offensive and the most boring MLS offerings. Crack open a Budweiser, pour it into a red plastic cup and congratulate yourselves on sticking with us.

However, looking more closely, our number 19 would probably look better down the gym than on a football pitch.

18. Minnesota United

The definition of a grower – but not quickly enough for a top-half finish here.

17. Inter Miami

We’ve been robbed of the comedy gold that would’ve been Phil Neville coaching Lionel Messi and, if this kit is anything to go by, Inter Miami are determined to keep their heads down and move on from their unattainable crush.

16. San Jose Earthquakes

A return to the 1990s and the glory days of garish football kits, courtesy of San Jose Earthquakes.

The more discenaring fashionista would describe their 2023 kit as ‘bus seat chic’. And they’d be right. Despite everything, we don’t hate this.

15. Nashville City

Somebody (correctly) told Nashville’s kit designers that black is the most flattering colour and they’ve certainly ran with the concept this year.

14. Colombus Crew

The yellow tramlines, a staple of Adidas sportswear, are lovely and we laud Colombus Crew’s experiment with cubism on their torso too.

13. Colorado Rapids

If a psychiatrist showed us this photo and asked us to name the first word that came into our head, our answer would be ‘aqua’.

Despite being worn by natives from the snow-topped mountains of Colorado, if our knowledge of South Park is anything to go by, this 2023 offering makes us pine for summer days lazing by the Med.

12. Atlanta United

We like the Milanese colour scheme and stripes, but the American Family Insurance sponsor is enough to shake off images of Paolo Maldini marshalling the backline.

11. Houston Dynamo

We’d like to congratulate Shakhtar Donetsk on their inagurial MLS campaign.

 

10. Chicago Fire

Resembling a kit designer reimagining a Paraguay kit on strong hallucinogenics, this is certainly one of the more eye-catching of the 2023 offerings.

9. Orlando City

Very Fiorentina, this. Just ditch the sponsor for Nintendo and ask Fila to produce next season’s effort and they’d be on to a surefire winner.

8. Portland Timbers

If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if you decorated your picnic basket in Palmeiras colours, like an especially keen MUNDIAL employee, the result would look similar to Portland’s 2023 kit.

Despite our man of the people credentials, we like it. Take our $60 at once.

7. New York City

One of Manchester City’s ‘sister clubs’, we’re imagining the Premier League champions demanding their American cousins adopt its traditional colours or they’d take their sweet bunce elsewhere.

This is the result for 2023. It’s satisfying.

6. New England Revolution

A mix between vintage River Plate and an Andalucian fan, New England Revolution’s kit is arresting and is likely to make opposition defences swoon.

5. Philadelphia Union

Despite the strong River Island overtones, any kit with a hissing serpent for a badge gets an enthuastic thumbs up from us.

4. Charlotte FC

We’ve always wondered which team would adopt the grape colours of Harchester United and are delighted to report that Charlotte FC have taken the plunge.

Keep a close eye out for match-fixing, drug abuse, kidnapping, tragic deaths and mass murder in this corner of North Carolina.

3. New York Red Bulls

Nice. Very nice.

Even the smudge marks, like a toddler going on a pastel rampage, work brilliantly with the red and the white.

2. Seattle Sounders

Phwoar.

1. LA Galaxy

If we were millionaires, we’d bet our entire fortune on this appearing at Thursday night Powerleagues within a month.

Those shirt and neck trims alone are enough for us to investigate whether its possible to marry a football kit. A deserved winner.

 

By Michael Lee

READ NEXT: Who are the 10 highest-paid players in MLS history? Zlatan, Gerrard…

TRY A QUIZ: Can you name the top 30 goalscorers in Major League Soccer history?

MLS Quick Reads