Sport is nothing without heroes and villains, and football is no different. If you’re not watching every week cheering with joy or seething with anger, ready to unleash hell on the television set, what’s the point?
Planet Football exists as a celebration of football. But sometimes, we’re just angry. Angry at the game we love for a variety of reasons – a list which seems to grow year upon year.
Like we said, what’s the point in caring about football if it doesn’t want to make us throw a nasty Superman punch and five-knuckle shuffle on the telly/a player/manager/anyone involved in the game, from time to time?
We all care too much not for emotions to boil over, so we’re celebrating that today with a comprehensive list of the 42 most punchable faces in football.
But before we do, a warning. Do not go around punching – or threatening to punch – anyone mentioned, or anyone who makes your own list. We’re also keeping it lighthearted, so no obviously horrible people are included – you know the ones. Got it? Cool.
Grab your John Cena t-shirt and warm up those hypothetical fists for some hypothetical fury.
42. Tom Skinner (and his breakfasts)
Nobody wants to eat a chilli con carne with a side of meat and potato pie first thing on a Monday morning, Tom. Pack it in.
You’re also 32. Stop saying ‘bosh’ and wearing flat caps.
40. Mark Goldbridge
Not anywhere near as annoying as he was in his peak years, mainly because most have sussed out that he’s playing a character at this point.
Still pretty infuriating, though. Needs a whack for character development.
— Out of Context Mark Goldbridge (@NoContextMarkG) March 5, 2023
We love him, but God he is annoying. His entire career is a big cauldron of frustration.
Moving to Al Hilal sums it up.
38. Wilfried Zaha
He’s moved to Galatasaray now, but we won’t forget the years of torment. Drawing fouls and bookings, moaning at referees. Nightmare.
37. Anyone associated with Burnley FC
We’ve all been victim to a horrid away at Turf Moor at some point.
They were awful to play against under Sean Dyche, now they’re annoying *and* progressive. Stop it, lads.
36. Jose Mourinho
He’s still just as polarising as ever.
Love him, but also hate him. Smug bastard.
35. Antoine Griezmann
The documentary he made on his future before staying at Atletico Madrid set the ball rolling for Griezmann’s heel turn.
From that moment on, his face became very punchable and it hasn’t changed since.
34. Megan Rapinoe
Silly hair, very American in everything she does. Tone it down, Megan.
He’s surely on for a Guinness World Record of most fouls committed without earning a booking. Surely.
We should start an official campaign to make sure Rodri starts every game on a yellow card. He’s way too good at avoiding them.
32. The Everton fan who abused ‘Stuart Attwell’
There’s a small part of us that believes this bloke deserves a firm handshake, purely for providing some of the best comic relief football has seen in years.
But the rest of us thinks he probably needs a smack. Go home, bin however many cans of Stella are left in the fridge and ask the ex-wife if you can see the kids.
Real belly laughs at this last night. The best 2 Good 2 Bad ever? pic.twitter.com/byMNwQhAXv
— Ivo Graham (@IvoGraham) November 8, 2021
31. Cristiano Ronaldo
He’s less in-your-face annoying these days, so slides right down the rankings, but that’s purely because he’s out of the way in Saudi Arabia.
Still, though, lingers like a bad smell and has Piers Morgan in his phonebook – probably listed as an emergency contact in case he needs to spout some garbage.
Big waxwork-looking loser. Stop being so good at kicking the ball in the goal and retire quietly.
30. Sergio Ramos
He’s devilishly handsome, is built like a Greek god, covered in tattoos, has hair that would make anyone want to curl up in a ball and cry in a jealous rage, and (used to be) exceptionally good at football.
Leave something for the rest of us, Sergio. You greedy, greedy man. He knows it all as well. Smug. Needs bringing down a peg or two – or 10.
29. Mauro Icardi
Another legacy shout, it’s generational hate at this point towards Icardi. The man is essentially a professional kn*bhead.
Stole his teammate’s wife, became disgraced in Argentina for it, and has since been divorced by her over suspicions of adultery. Sounds like a lovely bloke.
28. Those three terrible statues outside the Etihad Stadium
Seriously, who on earth signed off on the design of those?
City get laughed at enough for their lack of any real history or pedigree before 2008 and didn’t help themselves by throwing up tributes to Sergio Aguero, David Silva and Vincent Kompany. But dear God, if you’re going to do that, at least make sure they look good. They’re hideous and infuriating.
Worth the broken hand they’d cause.
Manchester City unveiled statues of David Silva and Vincent Kompany at the Etihad before their game vs. Arsenal 📸 pic.twitter.com/AWlw2wSK5w
— B/R Football (@brfootball) August 28, 2021
Big, annoying, pigeon-dancing loser. If only he scored goals as he throws around his elbows.
26. Luke Edwards of The Telegraph
One regular day of scrolling Twitter without a terrible take from the man who single-handedly continues to drag the reputation of Newcastle United fans through the gutter. That’s all we ask. Will never happen.
Seriously, what a doofus. The only saving grace is that it’s rather funny watching him get ridiculed from every angle, with extreme regularity. Shameless man.
25. Anthony Gordon
Broke through at Everton and rattled us all with his daft amounts of pace and silly fringe.
Has since signed for Newcastle (infuriating), dyed his fringe blonde (even more infuriating) and now actually looks to be turning into a half-decent player, making many of us look a bit silly (hat-trick of infuriating).
In simple terms, he’s also just got an incredibly punchable face. Think it’s an Everton thing.
24. Kaveh Solhekol, Dharmesh Sheth and Sky Sports News transfers
In-your-face yellow ties, regurgitating news stories that were broken hours ago elsewhere and pretending to be ‘ITK’ while live on air, when they’re actually probably just scrolling their Twitter or texting their mum.
Everything about the way Sky Sports drums up their transfer shows is horrific. Needs to die a slow and painful death. Lock Kaveh and Dharmesh back in their silly little transfer cupboards indefinitely.
23. Everyone at Wrexham
We get it, you’re owned by megastars and bought your way back into the Football League.
22. Bruno Fernandes
Even United fans will agree on this one. How is a man who is actually so good at football, still so annoying for all the wrong reasons?
You almost have to respect Bruno’s commitment to the bit. The bloke is an all-timer sh*thouse. That face on a Saturday afternoon becomes more punchable than one of those crap boxing arcade machines that tots up the power of your punch.
21. Fabrizio Romano
Here we go confirmed – Romano’s face needs a knuckle sandwich.
You either die a hero, or live long enough to become the villain.
20. Ben Foster holding a Go Pro
Interestingly, Ben Foster was one of the last people you’d have ever thought to include on a list like this until the last few years.
But ever since he picked up that Go-Pro, his face has morphed into this horrifying, punchable entity.
Something something what a friggin’ ledge, something something Bazzlar. We get it. Promise we’re not permanently this miserable.
19. Todd Boehly
Big Yank Todd. You know what happens when you spend a billion pounds on transfers Boehly, huh?
You know what happens when you inflate football transfer fees to even more astronomical levels for everybody else? You know what happens when you ruin the career of Graham Potter and destroy football hipsters’ personalities?
Todd Boehly – you just made the list.
18. Alan Brazil
We really wanted to see what would happen if this occurred in 2018.
Five years on, we *really* want to see what would happen.
17. Amanda Staveley and Mehrdad Ghodoussi
Look at us, we sportwashed an entire city and we’re going to sit there every game and rub it in your faces by smiling down the camera on Sky Sports every weekend, and you’re going to be pleased for us.
Bore off, you pair of lizards.
16. Pep Guardiola
With every game he wins, Guardiola becomes more irritating. Nothing quite scratches the violent part of our brain, though, than when he bigs up an opposition before nailing them six-zip or something stupid.
He’s just a mega weirdo. Probably explains why he’s so good at his job. That makes him very punchable, though.
15. Jurgen Klopp
They’re more alike than they think, the two rivals. Both equally as annoying as each other, pretty much.
Klopp just eclipses Pep, though. For his stupid air-punch thing in front of the Kop, his various touchline antics and his refusal to wear anything that hasn’t come from the Liverpool club shop.
Grow up, Jurgen. You’re 56. If you can spend your money on laser-eye surgery and new teeth, you can buy a suit.
14. Steve McManaman
“Oh, there’s Champions League on tonight! I can’t wait to treat myself to an entertaining evening clash between two Europe- ah never mind, McManaman is on commentary.”
Nobody is calling you ‘Macca’. Not your wife, not your kids, not your pals. Nobody. Your name is Steve. Drop it.
13. Darren Bent
Similarly to Foster, Bent isn’t exactly someone you’d have ever thought would appear on a list like this. But alas, times change and so do the status of people’s faces.
When he’s not spouting nonsense on talkSPORT purely to rile up listeners – and sounding like a complete idiot in the process – he’s now on TikTok being a hypebeast. Seriously.
Incredible how a man who works on radio can give himself a punchable face, even though nobody can see it. Impressive, actually.
12. Simon Jordan
Another one whose voice and god-awful opinion-spouting on talkSPORT is enough to make you want to smash in your car’s head unit.
Then you see his face, and want to do it all again.
11. Gabriel Agbonlahor
Sod it, while we’re doing talkSPORT, let’s get the biggest offender of the lot out of the way.
There are very few people left in the UK who wouldn’t want to see him on the receiving end of a healthy, character-building smack. When not spouting garbage on the radio, he’s doing it on social media – because no decent TV shows will have him on. Shock.
“I went & put my towels down at 7.30am!”
“I wanted prime seats. You have to!” ⛱️
Gabby Agbonlahor reveals he gets up early to reserve the sun loungers on holiday.
Brazil was NOT impressed. 🤣🤣🤣 pic.twitter.com/fA0xLqp2tj
— talkSPORT (@talkSPORT) August 9, 2023
10. Frank Lampard
With Jake Humphreys not in football anymore, Lampard is flying the flag of ‘high performance’.
He’s currently unemployed, but kept himself busy by appearing on the Diary of a CEO podcast, because of course he did. Inevitable.
9. Mikel Arteta
That Amazon documentary really destroyed Arteta, unfortunately.
From the drawings to the speakers on the training pitch, to the constant talk about passion and heart and even his most recent stunt that went full David Brent, he’s become a very funny man to laugh at.
But at the same time, he’s really irritating. Like a fly that just won’t leave your room on a hot day. Just in the way, bouncing around the touchline. He took all the worst traits from Pep and made them somehow even more annoying.
8. Gianni Infantino
Today, I feel like the eighth most punchable man in all of football.
7. Andy Gray
Since evolving into full-time gammon status, Gray has quietly gone about his business as a stain on the game.
When you look at him, though, on those occasions where you have to catch him on a *very legal* stream for a fixture, it fills you with rage.
6. Luis Suarez
No explanation needed. Everyone will agree – except Liverpool fans.
#OTD in 2014…
Luis Suarez lets the intrusive thoughts take over at the World Cup and bites Giorgio Chiellini on the shoulder.
Somehow, he avoids a red card and Uruguay score a minute later to win the game, knocking Italy out in the group stages.pic.twitter.com/09NR4K94vN
— Planet Football (@planetfutebol) June 24, 2023
5. Thogden’s dad
AKA Stephen Ogden. Grown manchild who looks like he belongs in a wax museum.
Oh, also a complete weirdo and a very shameless bloke. Nobody is calling you ‘Thogdad’. Grow up.
4. Rio Ferdinand
With each passing day, Ferdinand says or does something that destroys his legacy that bit more and makes United fans across the globe cringe desperately, knowing that he’s associated with their club.
Failed boxing career? Check. Speak and dresses like a 21-year-old in the early 2010s at the age of 44? Check. Spouts aimless garbage to ‘rattle’ fans? Check.
He’d also lick Ronaldo’s boots clean if he could and nowadays seems desperate to land himself a gig in Saudi Arabia. A seriously bleak downfall.
3. Jason Tindall
Our Jase gets on the podium, of course. And let’s have a moment of silence for him following the devastating news that he can no longer be in the technical area alongside Eddie Howe and make it all about him.
This man gets where water doesn’t. That isn’t a good thing, because everything about him and his face is infuriating.
From the uncomfortably tanned skin to the quiff, watching him sponge his way into every situation or every camera angle possible incites a burning rage inside of us.
The man behind the monster that is his dad, there is an alarming number of people who would pay serious amounts of money to see Thogden punched. Hard.
We prefer not to speak any further on that matter.
Take your pick on reasons why he’s an incredibly irritating and very punchable little weirdo. Harassing footballers, vlogging matchdays, taking gloves off fans, ‘Prison FC’ jokes, we could go on. Absolute helmet.
1. Richard Keys
Up one from the infamous 2018 rankings, our lord and saviour Keysey finally takes a gold medal and comes out on top!
A shame it’s a list declaring him the most punchable face in football. We love you really Keysey.
(We don’t, but keep doing that blog, please. A great laugh).