Ranking the sh*ttest Xmas present from every Premier League club
Christmas Day is fast approaching and millions of people across the world are scrambling for late presents for their nearest and dearest.
It’s no secret that the Premier League has been commercialised to within an inch of its life and that’s reflected in the selection of club-branded gifts on offer. But, while some are thoughtful or value-for-money, others would cause somebody to rightfully disown you if unwrapped on the big day.
We’ve selected the worst Christmas present on offer from each Premier League club and ranked them from least to most awful.
20. Leeds United
You can’t go far wrong with chocolate, a Christmas staple regardless of your age or gender.
We could have gone with a multitude of Premier League clubs offering a bar of Dairy Milk for £4 (looking at you especially, Brighton) but we’ve alighted upon this Leeds United-branded Toberlone.
It also presents the arresting image of thousands of Swiss farmers belting out ‘Marching on Together’ while tending to their cows.
But it feels weird to purchase Toberlone outside of duty-free. And this would still set you back £12.
Practical, planet-friendly and destined to clog up a kitchen drawer near you, these reuseable plastic bags from Southampton are one of the least offensive presents to catch our eye.
You’d just have to be really, really tight to wrap them up and give them to somebody for Christmas. One for panicked Christmas Eve shoppers.
18. Crystal Palace
Palace fans, never miss an opportunity to flaunt your club allegiance by purchasing this club-official dog lead.
Your Eagles-loving labrador or Selhurst-supporting Shih-Tzu will be the talk of the neighbourhood and the addition of, not one, but two torches will make your pooch easier to find than a taker for Jack Butland.
The bruised banana design feels about as Arsenal as unexplainable collapses and the Highbury clock.
But their insistence to use it on everything in recent years has been a tad overkill. And for the small price of £35, you can own this Christmas jumper monstrosity.
Maybe an expensive and not-at-all distracting photo shoot is needed. Get Emile Smith Rowe on the phone and make him carry a puppy.
That’ll get them queuing up…
This ‘Club and Country’ mouse mat from Brentford creates a vision of boorish England fans polluting some corner of western Europe with their xenophobia and out-of-season hay fever.
We’ll pass, thank you.
One for Fabio Silva and his immediate family. Probably not for anybody else.
14. Manchester United
If you had a view of Old Trafford like that, you’d just get a window – no need to break the wall or anything daft.
Also, we’re not sure if the natty football duvet set is included with this Manchester United poster, but you can literally smell the Lynx Africa wafting from this photograph.
Bizarre, but not surprising from the most commercialised club in world football.
It’s a yo-yo. That glows in the dark. And definitely won’t be discarded before the supply of turkey sandwiches runs out.
12. Norwich City
It’s Fresher’s Week and you’re keen to impress. After gathering your new flatmates and priming that Spotify playlist you’ve spent weeks carefully curating, it’s time to connect to your Bluetooth speaker and get the party started.
Ah. Your attempts at reinventing yourself have fallen at the first hurdle.
11. Aston Villa
This bracelet feels very Year 9, where the giving and receiving of a token gesture of friendship felt more important than life itself (just us? Okay then…)
In fairness, Villa fans are still getting over the departure of Jack Grealish. Maybe the playmaker will receive one in the post this Christmas?
My eyes, my poor eyes…
A present to remind us all of the real meaning of Christmas – pasting the club logo on some coloured plastic from China and selling it for 20 times the cost.
Well done Liverpool. Well done everybody.
Looks too much like Ken Bates for me, Clive.
7. Newcastle United
Practical, cheap and efficient, this is basically the diametric opposite of Newcastle United in gift-giving form.
Besides, you’d be a little underwhelmed to unwrap these on Christmas Day.
Lego is a popular gift for children, but we don’t quite get this Everton-themed twist on the legendary building blocks.
Can a miniature-Richarlison fit on the bus? Is there a Lego Goodison Park for the bus to drive to? Or would it be used for the open-bus parade after Everton win something (stop sniggering)?
Not the worst idea in the world, but this gift is more baffling than brilliant.
5. Manchester City
The first major stumbling block of this Manchester City Rubik’s cube is, that rather than each side having a different colour, it’s all sky blue.
Then there’s the shocking realisation that Rubik’s cubes are still a thing in 2021.
But, if neither of those things fails to put you off, you can pick it up for £14. Or, alternatively, you can just stick a note in a card like most right-thinking people would.
4. West Ham
A popular stocking-filler for the male in your life but, we have to admit, we’re intrigued as to exactly what “West Ham” smells like.
We imagine it to be a mixture of body odour, urine, beer, cigarettes and jellied eels but with that teasingly desirable scent of a burger van underlying it all.
Look lads, you can’t go far wrong with Dior Sauvage.
3. Leicester City
A gift that should come with complimentary sunglasses.
Leicester has many qualities, but it’s hardly Los Angeles. But that’s what this pyjama set is trying to invoke while looking like a Sunny Delight costume that’s been dipped in chlorine.
This is the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium cube. Stadium cube.
No, we have no idea either. Keep your £20 for an evening at the pub.
£40 for a shirt so loud it makes Brian Blessed sound like a church mouse?
Ladies and gentlemen, we have our winner.
By Michael Lee