Manchester United's captain Bruno Fernandes celebrates after scoring a penalty kick during the FA Premier League match between Manchester United FC and Nottingham Forest FC at Old Trafford

F*ck FFP & VAR, we’ve saved the Premier League by giving each club their perfect walkout song

Manchester United, Manchester City, Liverpool and the rest of the Premier League’s big guns are adored around the world, but what if we suggested a way we could make their brand and identity even stronger?

To the millions of supporters across the globe, these Premier League behemoths are superheroes in themselves, an entity like no other. And if it’s not the club, it’s the players pulling on the shirt.

Like a team of Avengers, or more fittingly in this context, your favourite wrestling stable running the show on weekly episodic television.

But that’s where football clubs stop and fall short. We reckon every Premier League side would benefit tenfold from adopting an iconic wrestling theme to walk onto the pitch to – so we’ve given each club their own.

Arsenal – Kurt Angle (Medal)

Mikel Arteta is a man who loves passion and intensity. Sometimes too much. So much so that it reminds us of mid-2000s Kurt Angle and his three I’s; intensity, integrity, intelligence.

Sort of inspiring, but more silly than anything. They also play his theme song at half-time at the Emirates, so they’re already halfway there. We reckon they should all rock singlets, too, while we’re at it.

Aston Villa – Cody Rhodes (Kingdom)

Strange one, this, but stick with us.

They’re just super squeaky clean, are Aston Villa. Nice stadium, nice kits, likeable squad and manager, trying to humbly ascend the Premier League.

Everything about them screams traditional, blue-collar babyface. There’s a rebrand to be had with them, and with the help of a certain American Nightmare, they could easily become the face of footballing sports entertainment.

Bournemouth – Triple H (My Time)

Quietly, Bournemouth have just become one of the most stylish clubs in the Premier League. They’ve built a team ready to cook and they’re being seriously underrated.

Reminds us all too much of Triple H’s best-ever theme song – there, we said it. Sorry Motorhead. Fitting lyrics, too. It’s The Cherries’ time, especially when this starts echoing around the Vitality.

Brentford – Randy Orton (Burn in My Light)

The Bees are undoubtedly legend killers, thus it makes sense that the Gtech Community Stadium bounces as Randy Orton’s iconic entrance music plays them out onto the pitch.

Big clubs are already under the cosh when they go there. Give Brentford the chance to own that reputation and they’ll fly at home. Fortress.

Brighton – Daniel Bryan (Flight of the Valkryies)

He’s going by Bryan Danielson now, but that doesn’t mean we can’t use his old theme. Brighton are on the up and we can’t think of anything more fitting for them than the YES movement.

They’re a team of technical experts who are doing everything the right way and winning everyone over with their football and their results. Everybody likes Brighton.

Even if they’ve beaten your team, you still like them. You can’t not. Capable of being ruthless, but all talented sides are.

Burnley – Eric Bischoff (I’m Back)

And better than ever.

Or at least that’s what they want us to believe. The Clarets have returned to the top flight with an entirely new identity and a chip on their shoulder, desperate not to drop out once again. They need to own it and go full Bischoff; make teams hate heading to Turf Moor once again.

Chelsea – Shane McMahon (Here Comes The Money)

Pretty self-explanatory, this one. We’re picturing fake notes flying down from the rafters as the Blues make their way out, for added effect.

Crystal Palace – Batista (I Walk Alone)

Not too much rhyme or reason behind this, other than the fact that Selhurst Park is already a brilliant ground that gets loud and simply needs to hold some extra fear factor.

Palace channelling their inner Batista is far from a bad thing. Let them all do his machine gun pyro on the way out, too.

Everton – Doink The Clown

Again, pretty on the nose.

Absolute circus. Sorry, Toffees.

Fulham – MJF (Better Than You)

If you weren’t aware, Fulham are owned by Shahid Khan, whose son Tony is not only an executive for the Cottagers, but is also the CEO of All Elite Wrestling.

MJF is currently the face of AEW and the company’s world champion, so a bit of brand synergy wouldn’t hurt. Might also help Marco Silva’s side develop a bit of an edge they need to survive. More heel turns in football, please.

Liverpool – John Cena (My Time is Now)

The franchise players. Global heroes, undisputed champions, the face that runs the place (or at least they like to think so).

Would make for a wildly entertaining social experiment watching how the Kop would react to You’ll Never Walk Alone being replaced with Cena’s rapping.

Partially why we suggested this one. Anfield would combust. Get it done. And if you can get him there in person, even better.

Luton Town – Stone Cold Steve Austin (I Won’t Do What You Tell Me)

Luton desperately need some fear factor, and with all due respect, it isn’t coming from the players alone.

Kenilworth Road has been touted as the place where they control the destiny over their Premier League survival, but we could make it even more disturbing for the opposition if they had to deal with that iconic glass-shattering sound as the Hatters enter.

Manchester City – Roman Reigns (Head of the Table)

Acknowledge them.

Sheer, unbridled dominance. It’s gone beyond the fear that comes with Brock Lesnar or Batista’s music at this point. City are the footballing embodiment of the Tribal Chief, and they’d lap up the royalty of it all.

Manchester United – Hulk Hogan (Real American)

If the Glazers themselves weren’t so tight and uninterested in United, you honestly wouldn’t put it past them to genuinely do something as absurd as replacing ‘This Is The One’ with Hogan’s theme in full.

Would be a pretty accurate representation of United as a brand these days. Once a great, but now washed up, stale and looking more silly every time they run their mouths and talk themselves up. People pay to see them, but are left disappointed almost every time.

Could very easily have ended up with Doink’s theme music.

Newcastle United – CM Punk (Cult of Personality)

They were likeable, until they weren’t. And that came around very quickly.

As Punk himself once said, what they now are is what they hate. Once the underdog, they have become the dynasty, injected with an endless supply of Saudi cash.

That feel-good factor from their initial takeover has dwindled and everything since has felt incredibly tiresome. It’s hard not to smile when you see the Magpies back in the Champions League, though. Conflicting.

Nottingham Forest – Degeneration-X (Are You Ready?)

They’re just a bit mental, aren’t they?

They sign whoever they want, the owner is a bit of a madman and Steve Cooper is left trying to piece it all together. Somehow, though, it works and they’re a huge club with a rich history.

Making them walk out to DX’s theme song would merely be the icing on the cake at a club that seems to know no bounds.

Sheffield United – Mark Henry (Some Bodies Gonna Get It)

The Blades need some fear factor at Bramall Lane. Desperately.

Is somebody gonna get their ass kicked, as Mark Henry’s theme song famously proclaimed while he marched to the ring? Probably not. But God loves a trier.

Tottenham – Shawn Michaels (Sexy Boy)

Spurs running out to Shawn Michaels’ theme would merely be a continuation of how unfortunately unserious that football club is, no matter how hard Daniel Levy tries to convince us otherwise.

Big Ange is incredibly handsome as well, so he could own it. Go on, Spurs, give us what we want.

West Ham – Chris Jericho (Judas)

We’re meant to dislike David Moyes. We’re not meant to take West Ham seriously for as long as he’s in charge. But there’s something about them that we just can’t quite shake.

Every time we watch the Hammers recently, everything just falls into place and sort of works. It shouldn’t, considering Moyes is the manager in 2023, but it does.

Is it always pretty? Not at all. Are West Ham fans on a rollercoaster of emotions? Most probably. But will they turn up every week, sing their hearts out and have a load of fun with it? Absolutely.

And that just about sums up Chris Jericho in 2023.

Wolves – Undertaker (Rest In Peace)

It’s difficult not to be bored to death when watching Wolves. They should at least own it and choke people out of Molineux, by creating some sort of spooky, mythical atmosphere.

That, and it’d be pretty funny watching Gary O’Neill sitting in the dugout every week in a black trench coat and hat.

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