Ranking every PL manager by how popular they would be as a teacher

Michael Lee • 20 Oct 2020

Your school days: for some, the best days of their lives; for others, to paraphrase Will McKenzie, this would only be true if they “went straight from school to prison and stayed there until they died”.

But, what if your school teachers were replaced by Premier League managers? Which ones would thrive, taking it upon themselves to impart knowledge and wisdom to their class? Which ones would flounder, unable to control their pupils and becoming figures of ridicule in the process?

We’ve ranked each current Premier League manager by their predicted popularity as a secondary school teacher, from least to most.

20. Frank Lampard

Lampard arrived in the classroom with the best private school education, but kids are easily able to get under his skin and other staff members snigger about him behind his back.

He may improve with time, and some students have thrived under him – young Mason Mount has come on leaps and bounds having been given extra responsibilities such as hall monitor.

However, this is all undermined by the suspicion that cracks have started to show in the Lampard facade. There are no excuses when you have the most expensive teaching equipment around

Conclusion: more teacher training needed.

19. Scott Parker

Fresh out of university, but it’s hard to shake the impression that the well-dressed Parker is out-of-his-depth in the classroom.

It’s not easy to go into Year 9 Maths on a Wednesday afternoon and get a result, and all indications suggest Parker is not quite the man to achieve this.

18. Ole Gunnar Solskjaer

As the students run rings around him, Solskjaer fights back the tears and wishes he was back teaching in Norway. Rumour has it that he’ll retrain as a teaching assistant.

Solskjaer also runs an after school Dungeons and Dragon club, which acts as a respite from the trials of the school day.

17. David Moyes

Moyes has never been able to live down memories of when he was appointed headteacher and led the school to their worst exam performance in a generation.

In truth, he should never have stopped teaching middle-set classes, in spite of quips that his pupils perform better in his absence.

READ: An ode to David Moyes’ Jose-esque celebration & WHU’s quiet resilience

16. Brendan Rodgers

Fingers slippery after climbing the greasy pole, Rodgers has undeniably obtained impressive results but is more respected than liked by both students and staff.

He never quite connects with his pupils, despite making the effort to memorise Stormzy lyrics and download TikTok.

15. Graham Potter

Head of IT, but wouldn’t be recognised in the corridor wearing a Graham Potter costume.

He keeps himself to himself, but he’s quietly competent.

14. Dean Smith

Getting the best out of talented but previously wayward individuals, Smith deserves a lot of credit for turning around an ailing Business Studies class.

Smith has achieved some eye-catching mock test scores recently, but a feeling persists that his students see him as more of a mate than a teacher. The real control of the class lies in their hands.

13. Steve Bruce

The long-term PE teacher played rugby for the local county and enthusiastically projects his love of the game onto scores of reluctant teenage boys.

Never seen wearing anything other than shorts, Bruce also teaches Year 8 Geography once a week.

Outsiders are baffled by his continued presence at the school, but there is a certain method to his madness.

12. Slaven Bilic

Bilic maintains the attention of his class by occasionally slipping swear words into his dialogues.

The art teacher also frequently retells the story of how he got Laurent Blanc sent off and has been known to share cigarettes with sixth form students.

Liked and seen as cool by many pupils, Bilic doesn’t achieve the quality exam results you would expect.

READ: The Shithouse Files: Slaven Bilic v France, when he broke Blanc’s heart

11. Ralph Hasenhuttl

Hasenhuttl became a teacher after quitting his previous role as an investment city banker.

Since his arrival at the school, the Austrian has been forging a reputation for himself as forward-thinking simply by employing currently popular teaching methods.

He also has the vibe of somebody who’d be weirdly enthusiastic at school sports day, going purple with rage as his form group’s star athlete comes third in the 400m race.

10. Roy Hodgson

An institution in his own right, Hodgson taught your dad and his dad too. The school wouldn’t be the same without him.

Still wheeled out to teach Year 7, the kindly professor has been known to lose his temper in volcanic fashion if pushed far enough.

READ: Fun, cocky & a real character – why Roy Hodgson is nothing like you think

9. Nuno Espirito Santo

Well-established Head of Foreign Languages, Nuno Espirito Santo appeals to more cultured and studious pupils at his school.

Organiser of the yearly Portuguese exchange programme, the bearded maestro has one of the safest jobs around.

8. Chris Wilder

Chris Wilder teaches woodwork. Nothing else on this list makes more sense.

However, this distinction belies a strong intellect, as demonstrated by Wilder’s proficiency in the staff pub quiz.

His mantra of tough love also ensures dedication from his pupils, who bore girls with their insistence that he is a ‘legend’.

READ: 11 of Chris Wilder’s best & funniest moments: Belly slides, dogsh*t & Peroni

7. Mikel Arteta

Groomed to within an inch of his life, Arteta certainly looks the part and charms everybody with his patter at parent’s evening.

Fancied by roughly 70% of his female pupils, Arteta has made a confident start to life in the classroom and the governors are hopeful of future success under his leadership.

6. Sean Dyche

Sean Dyche knows he has a reputation. Sean Dyche knows he scares pupils and staff alike. Sean Dyche doesn’t give one solitary eff.

Commonly thought of as a weapon during a staff night out, Dyche is more likely to eat the worm due to be dissected during the science class he is covering to establish dominance over a group of unruly Year 10s.

Feared more than anything else.

5. Jose Mourinho

Generally thought of as a bastard by most, Mourinho initially surprises his students with charm and a ‘tough, but fair’ approach to maintaining discipline. He is also capable of delivering one-liners more lethal than an Alan Shearer elbow.

Yes, he makes scapegoats out of underperforming students which has the unfortunate effect of inhibiting their development. He also blames the exam schedule for any poor performance rather than his teaching methods.

But an education in the Jose Mourinho School of Life stays with his kids forever.

READ: The cult of Jose Mourinho at Chelsea: Hiding in laundry, pranking masseur…

4. Carlo Ancelotti

With a permanently arched eyebrow, there’s no chance of any misbehaving kid getting the better of the wisened Italian.

Ancelotti is known for creating a classroom atmosphere more soothing than the vocals of Mick McCarthy over a deep house track.

Having taught some of society’s highest achievers, he is currently achieving impressive results with a class many thought was a lost cause.

3. Pep Guardiola

Like Irwin in The History Boys, Pep only works with the highest achieving students.

Equal parts genius and intensity, Guardiola’s students all graduate to Oxbridge or universities such as Exeter or Durham.

Despite all his achievements, you suspect it gives Pep greater satisfaction that he is the staff room’s snappiest dresser.

2. Marcelo Bielsa

At the start of the year, students don’t get Marcelo Bielsa. They’ve heard all the stories from older relatives, but his idiocentric habits cause baffled stares across his classroom.

Fast forward 10 months and another group of pupils have been indoctrinated by the Bielsa charm. His eccentricities are hailed as genius and the majority have grown as human beings under his watch.

The definition of a cult teacher.