Bruno Fernandes of Manchester United during a match against Real Madrid in a friendly match at the NRG Arena in Houston, Texas

Ranking every Premier League captain by their choice of alcoholic drink

The 2023-24 Premier League season is fast approaching and with transfers going on everywhere, there’s been somewhat of a reshuffle of captains in the English top flight.

As the game has moved on, the role of the club captain has changed and arguably become less important. It’s no longer all about screaming, shouting and striking fear into opponents and teammates alike, but just as much about creating a sense of comradery and leading by example, typically with performances.

It’s still a tough responsibility to shoulder, though. You need to have some steel about you.

With that in mind, we’ve taken every Premier League captain for the upcoming season and had a stab at what their drink of choice is, as a measure of their personality.

Arsenal – Martin Odegaard

Drink of choice: Vodka lemonade

A young man with an old, wise head on his shoulders, you can trust Odegaard to keep his drinking to a minimum and his choice of drink an assured one.

Much fewer calories than a beer, more digestible and a more manageable hangover in the morning. Thinking ahead, always.

Manchester, England - 26 April 2023, Arsenal midfielder Martin Odegaard during the English championship Premier League football match between Manchester City and Arsenal on 26 April 2023 at the Etihad Stadium in Manchester, England

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Aston Villa – John McGinn

Drink of choice: Tennent’s

Back in 2021, when McGinn returned to action for Scotland after testing positive for COVID-19 and serving an isolation period, he joked that he would’ve ‘maybe ordered a wee can of Tennent’s’ in years gone by when fitness levels are more important than ever.

Least surprising entry ever. Bet he melts at the sight of draught Tennent’s at a family do.

Bournemouth – Neto

Drink of choice: Red wine

At 34, Neto is one of the elder statesmen in the Bournemouth squad and has no doubt graduated from the days of sinking beers and shotting spirits.

Cheeky glass of wine after a game on a Saturday evening, after a walk along the coast. Nothing crazy. Keeps it simple. Unassuming bloke.

Brentford – Christian Norgaard

Drink of choice: Bottled beer

Not as heavy as a pint and firmly believes it tastes better out of a bottle. Got his head screwed on, has Christian.

They all do at Brentford. None of this light beer stuff. No chance. Top-tier bottles only. Alcohol-free during the season, too, obviously.

Brighton – Lewis Dunk

Drink of choice: Strawberry daiquiri

Stick with us, here.

Once a strict pints-only type of man, the 2019 all-inclusive holiday changed Dunk and broadened his horizons. One sip of the missus’ daiquiri and that was it.

Fully fledged cocktail drinker now. Partial to a mojito, too. Likes to get fancy with his drinks. Has a shaker and a mini-bar at home.

Burnley – Jack Cork

Drink of choice: Carling

A London boy plying his trade at Burnley, Cork is a no-nonsense type of bloke. Easy going. Will drink anything put in front of him.

Pint of choice, though? You already know the answer. Carling, please darling.

Chelsea – TBC

Drink of choice: Au Vodka

Following the departure of Cesar Azpilicueta, Chelsea are yet to name a new captain. We can only imagine flavoured Au Vodka is adored among the young lads in that changing room, though.

Probably mix it with Prime that they buy off the Arsenal boys, too. Strange lot. Tastebuds not matured, yet. They like the golden bottle.

Crystal Palace – Marc Guehi

Drink of choice: Ciroc

Moved away from Chelsea, shouldered some more responsibility and graduated to a slightly more esteemed version of flavoured vodka.

Guehi is yet to be officially confirmed as the new Palace captain, but all signs point towards it. And with that, we can imagine he’ll dial back on the weekend treat even more. Young man, good pro, head screwed on, all that jazz.

Everton – Seamus Coleman

Drink of choice: Guinness

An absolute professional, the reality is Coleman wouldn’t still be turning out for Everton in the Premier League while going on 35 years old in October if he was sinking Guinness all the time.

There’s no way he doesn’t love a pint of the stuff whenever he’s back home in Ireland, though. Waits for it. Doesn’t travel well, he says. A good excuse to behave for the nine-month-long season.

Fulham – Tom Cairney

Drink of choice: Vodka Coke

The Cottagers’ captain has been a loyal servant, but in that time has still been unable to develop a set of tastebuds that appreciate a beer.

Sick of it, in fact. Pretends to sip at it during those promotion parties, but hates it. Vodka Coke kind of man. Perhaps a fruity cider in the sun, but that’s it. Keeps it simple.

Liverpool – Virgil van Dijk

Drink of choice: Gin and tonic

To be perfectly honest, Van Dijk doesn’t even look like someone who would let as much as a drop of alcohol pass through his lips. Got to keep on top of that skincare and exceptional barnet.

If he fancies one, though, he’s going full James Bond. Keeping it classy. Sipping slowly on a gin and tonic, looking all mysterious. Really he just hates it. Keeping up appearances, though. Got to be done now he’s captain.

Luton Town – Tom Lockyer

Drink of choice: IPA

Look at that hair. Grown out in COVID and never looked back, we reckon. Ditched all of his skinny jeans at the same time and now exclusively wears cropped trousers.

Can’t drink normal beer anymore with that barnet. No chance. IPA and independent breweries only.

Manchester City – TBC

Drink of choice: Quad vods

God help us all if Kyle Walker is given the armband following the departure of Ilkay Gundogan. A party animal in charge of the squad isn’t ending well.

Especially if they go and win a fourth consecutive Premier League title. Quad vods will merely be the warm-up.

Manchester United – Bruno Fernandes

Drink of choice: Super Bock

A new captain at the helm, and a man of the people. Fernandes doesn’t try too hard, but sticks to what he knows will do the trick.

One of the most underrated lagers around, the squad rejoices when he brings in a big shipment of Super Bock, straight from the homeland. Even Erik ten Hag cracks a smile. Can’t resist grabbing one.

Newcastle – Jamaal Lascelles

Drink of choice: Brown Ale

In a bid to try and rekindle the flame of yesteryear, Lascelles begrudgingly forces a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale down his neck for the good of the team, like a proper captain should.

Hates the stuff. Completely. Prefers a vodka lemonade. But to generate team spirit he leaves that at home. Brown Ale or nothing, lads. That’s the rule.

Nottingham Forest – Joe Worrall

Drink of choice: Peroni

Lager connoisseur. Will drink anything be it bottle or draught, but loves a Peroni. Bottle to stop things from getting out of hand.

He’s Mr. Nottingham Forest, is Worrall. Has to set the standard. Can’t be letting things get out of hand. Might opt for a Corona in the sun. Goes down easier.

Sheffield United – John Egan

Drink of choice: Guinness

He’s Irish. Come on. It’s the greatest invention since sliced bread for millions who aren’t Irish. So to those who are from its birthplace, it’s the holy grail.

We reckon Egan has all the gear. Nitrosurge attachment, posh cans, collection of glasses. Full setup. Pours the perfect pint at home. Expert at splitting the G.

Tottenham – TBC

Drink of choice: Foster’s

There’s currently no captain confirmed with Hugo Lloris out of the door and Harry Kane keen to follow, thus the choice of drink falls on the head of Daniel Levy.

Foster’s is just about as cheap and cheerful as you get before delving into supermarket own-brand alcohol. Textbook Levy, but even he wouldn’t go that far.

West Ham – TBC

Drink of choice: Water

With Declan Rice gone, someone’s got to step up at West Ham and set the agenda. For the time being, though, Moyes rules the roost and there’s no drinking on the job. Unless your name is David Moyes.

Water for everybody except him. He’s probably on red wine.

Wolves – TBC

Drink of choice: Absinthe

It’s funny that we’re discussing alcoholic drinks, because judging Wolves from the outside looking in, it appears they couldn’t organise a p*ss-up in a brewery at present.

Captain Connor Coady has left, Julen Lopetegui has no idea who he can sign and who he’s losing, and doesn’t have any money to work with.

Get this man – and the players remaining – the purest form of absinthe one can muster up and let them have a bit of fun before a very bleak season gets underway.

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