Ranking the Premier League clubs by who has the most handsome squad

Quick Reads

Now the Premier League is underway, we’ve tried to answer the most important question of the season: which club has the most handsome squad?

Let’s face it, it’s important whether your team has good looking players or not – watching the beautiful game played by beautiful players is what it’s all about.

We’ve gone through every club’s squad list to decide in the most scientific way possible – by looking at their squad photos – who wins the handsome Premier League. So without further ado…

20. Watford

We often talk about how difficult it is to name an actual Watford player, never mind recognise one. To be fair to the Hornets, they add a nice touch by including the players’ signatures on their photos, but nobody sets the pulses racing.

We’re big fans of Troy Deeney, but his face is haggered to an impressive extent.

19. Cardiff City

Neil Warnock’s style of football is likely to take its toll, and there are plenty of Cardiff players who look…hardened, shall we say?

18. Burnley

James Tarkowski, to his credit, is a handsome man, but the rest of the Burnley squad is quite intimidating.

The only other note we made is that Steven Defour’s eyes are smaller than his nostrils, and we don’t know what to do with that.

17. Arsenal

They all look slightly haunted, like a jaded stag do who have all started to get a bit sick of each other and can’t wait to fly home from Gdansk.

16. Crystal Palace

Alexander Sorloth, Scott Dann, Martin Kelly and Joel Ward have the squarest heads in the Premier League. Make of that what you will.

15. West Ham

Adrian’s massive bonce is the most eye-catching aspect of a largely forgettable bunch.

14. Everton

The Toffees have made it difficult for us with only thumbnail size images. We’ll let them off since Leighton Baines, the coolest footballer in the Premier League, is still there.

13. Fulham

For a man who spent last summer devastated after a move to Barcelona broke down, Jean Michael Serri’s smile makes us incredibly happy.

Marcus Bettinelli and Fabri are two fine-looking goalkeepers, a position which, according to a half-baked theory in the office, produces more handsome players than any other.

12. Bournemouth

On the subject of goalkeeping heart-throbs, Artur Borus and Asmir Begovic surprised us in this regard, and since they both look harder than their Fulham counterparts, they get the nod ahead of the Cottagers.

Looking at Bournemouth’s defenders, it must be said that there is a worrying theme in the Premier League of the majority of players having the same haircut.

11. Leicester City

SLABHEAD.

10. Newcastle United

Does anyone who doesn’t support Newcastle actually know what Paul Dummett looks like?

Maybe he’s not the most talented footballer, but it turns out all the talent is in his face.

Jamaal Lascelles also looks like somebody your mum would describe as “a nice young man”.

9. Manchester United

We would like to apologise to Juan Mata and Victor Lindelof, but Phil Jones, Marouane Fellaini and David de Gea’s haircut have really ruined it for you.

8. Southampton

Short hair, neat side partings, trim beards. Southampton’s squad all go to the same barbers, and they look all the better for it.

7. Tottenham

Spurs are a handsome team who have been badly let down by their squad photos.

Jan Vertonghen’s neck appears to be never ending, while Hugo Lloris has been made to look like a character from Trainspotting.

But then there’s Fernando Llorente, looking into your eyes, whisking you away, making you dream of moving to Pamplona.

6. Chelsea

Let’s just put this out there, Olivier Giroud is not as handsome as everyone makes out. He’s too perfect, too sculptured, too manufactured. It’s all a bit Madame Tussauds.

But in Marcos Alonso’s hair, N’Golo Kante’s grin, Ruben Loftus-Cheek’s shoulders and Eden Hazard’s stare, Chelsea have more than enough to fare well in the handsome stakes.

5. Brighton

Alireza Jahanbakhsh is the man Olivier Giroud wants to be.

4. Wolves

The most handsome central midfield pairing in the Premier League gets you a long way.

If Portugal were to deploy Ruben Neves and Joao Moutinho together, they could add the handsome World Cup to their Euro 2016 crown.

3. Huddersfield Town

Elias Kachunga looks very sharp, Erik Durm looks like he should be in a boy band, Christopher Schindler is absolutely smouldering, Aaron Mooy is trying to copy the defender and hilariously failing.

The Terriers are terrific.

2. Liverpool

Liverpool pulled off a major coup this summer when they made the most handsome signing of the summer in Alisson Becker – who certainly adds weight to the aforementioned goalkeeper theory.

Jordan Henderson has come a long way since his Sunderland days, Adam Lallana is the face of Nivea for a reason, and we’ll always have a soft spot for James Milner.

1. Manchester City

We’re just going to come right out and admit it, Bernardo Silva is going to be the man this season, in every sense.

With Ar’ John at the back, Ilkay Gundogan in midfield and Raheem Sterling and Sergio Aguero in attack, City are a suave looking outfit this term.


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