Ranking every Premier League manager by how good their haircut is
Yes, it’s international week.
We’ve previously ranked every Premier League manager by the quality of their haircut before – however, this was over two years ago when dinosaurs roamed the earth and Alan Pardew was still working in the top flight. Fresh faces mean fresh questions: Which manager’s lid is aging the best? Is Ole Gunnar Solskjaer being forced to keep the same haircut for all eternity as a punishment? Does Mikel Arteta use Just for Men?
We’ve ranked each manager’s haircut from worst to best. Two disclaimers: No performance-enhancing drugs are allowed, and being bald is not a haircut. Sorry, Pep.
DQ. Jurgen Klopp
Having previously tapped up Roberto Firmino’s dentist, it has become common knowledge that Klopp has also undergone a hair transplant.
The German may be currently sweeping all non-Aston Villa objects before him, but he is automatically disqualified from this list.
DQ. Slaven Bilic
We love Slaven Bilic.
The off-beat personality. His punditry where he resembles both the maddest and sanest individual in the room simultaneously. For introducing domestic audiences to Dimitri Payet.
However, he’s another who’s had a hair transplant. While this undoubtedly improved his hairline, he cannot be featured here. Sorry Slaven.
18. Sean Dyche
One of Karren Brady’s more baffling statements, in a highly competitive field, surrounded the hair of Sean Dyche.
Writing in her reprehensible Sun column in 2017, Brady stated that ‘with a trim goatee, together with his well-razored hairline, Dyche has the air of a man in complete control’.
To the rest of us, he looks like a hedge fund manager from Northampton.
17. Pep Guardiola
It’s hard to believe that Pep ever had hair.
To be honest, the bald look suits him and his barely-concealed intensity. The funny dimension is that one Manchester City player seems to shave their hair each season, as if being punished for a training-ground misdemeanor. Kyle Walker is the current recipient of that particular prize.
16. Graham Potter
Potter has the trim of an Indie kid from 2006, still addicted to The Cribs and cans of Red Stripe in equal measure.
Strange for such a progressive manager.
15. Marcelo Bielsa
Let’s be honest, Bielsa does not have a good head of hair.
Let’s be equally honest, he could colour his dome peroxide orange and he’d still be hero-worshiped by Leeds fans. Of which we have two working for us.
14. Dean Smith
Dean Smith is Aston Villa through and through. Perhaps that explains why he has the haircut of an accountant from Sutton Coldfield.
13. Nuno Espirito Santo
If we combined head and facial hair, the Wolves manager would be top of this list.
His beard manages to be both spectacularly well-maintained and invite the possibility there are left-over cornflakes concealed within.
Sadly, we half suspect the beard is to draw attention away from the thinning locks that reside above.
12. Chris Wilder
Chris Wilder has the air of a man who has had the same haircut since time in memoriam, delivered by the same Sheffield barber and costing no more than a tenner.
He probably also wouldn’t give a f*ck what anybody else thought about it either.
11. Ole Gunnar Solskjaer
With each passing month, Solskjaer increasingly resembles a sad children’s toy left on the shelf while its owner moves on without it.
This is exacerbated by his hair, which remains fundamentally unchanged from his playing days. It gives the Norwegian a certain Peter Pan quality, which is frankly enough for mid-table on this list.
10. Frank Lampard
As one of his defenders drops another monumental bollock, is it any surprise that Lampard’s hair is starting to thin?
To be frank (sorry), Lampard is making the most of his remaining hair and often sports a tidy looking quiff/combover look.
Not spectacular, but not awful either.
9. Steve Bruce
It is sadly not more commonly known that Bruce sported a magnificent ginger perm during his playing days at Gillingham.
Today, he more closely resembles Bernard Cribbins. However, we believe his current short-on-the-sides with a shy quiff look suits the Geordie down to the ground.
Maybe he could endear himself to the Toon Army by dying it black and white. There are surely far worse ideas.
8. Roy Hodgson
If you close your eyes and listen, the accent of Roy Hodgson is eerily reminiscent of a 1960s greengrocer in an Ealing comedy who would put Harry Kane on corners.
His hair remains fundamentally old-school too, giving Hodgson the appearance of a kindly Cockney grandad who you would hate to disappoint.
7. David Moyes
It might be a stretch to describe Moyes as aging like a fine wine when he looks scarily like Moe Syzslak, but the Scot looks strangely elegant these days with his faded ginger locks.
6. Brendan Rodgers
You can imagine Rodgers spending hours in front of the mirror, using an array of hair products and not leaving the house unless his hair looks inch-perfect.
In fairness, his divorced dad cut compares well to other managers on this list. But we cannot contemplate placing Rodgers any higher on this list because of how much it would satisfy his ego.
5. Jose Mourinho
Cast your mind back to 2005, when Mourinho was winning trophies and the attention of journalists with almost insulting ease.
His face would crop up on Match of the Day, and your girlfriend, who was stubbornly uninterested in football, would look up and remark how attractive he looked. You didn’t get this with Iain Dowie.
While his hair has greyed 15 years later, Mourinho still sports an impressive full head of hair that he keeps smart and simple. This is enough to earn him a Europa League spot here.
(N.B. Shaved head Jose would be fighting relegation on this list).
4. Mikel Arteta
Lego man Arteta has made an impressively assured start at Arsenal, with his players no doubt enthralled by his straight-speaking instructions and a wondrously full head of black hair.
To our eyes, Arteta’s look screams ‘Just for Men’. For these unfounded suspicions alone, he can be placed no higher.
3. Ralph Hasenhuttl
With his subtle curtains and cherubic face, Hasenhuttl looks like an overworked dad in a TV drama whose stress causes him to have an affair with his secretary.
Not going to lie, the Austrian’s trim is one of the standout in the league and adds to his overall air of competence. Which is exactly what you’d expect from Southampton.
2. Carlo Ancelotti
Ancelotti has been greying since his twenties, but his full head of hair and tidy side parting is frankly all we’d want at his age. It’s not hard to imagine him sitting outside an Italian market square, reading the newspaper and arching his eyebrow at any misdemeanours from local youths.
Any man who can make Everton resemble their sum of parts deserves respect. A good trim helps too.
1. Scott Parker
Streets frontman Fulham manager has exactly the kind of hair you’d expect Scott Parker to have – impressively manicured and complete with tidy quiff and side parting.
As Parker approaches his forties, his hairline is only getting better with age. We’re tempted to cry foul and look for outside influences, but it is hard to imagine Scott E. deceiving us in this way.
A deserving winner.