Ranking every Premier League manager by how good their haircut is

Quick Reads

With the Premier League title all but wrapped up, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to decide the season’s major honour: which manager has the best haircut?

First, a note: All three of us at Planet Football HQ are to some degree or other what you’d call indie kids (yes, really, there are only three of us).

The gaffer regularly gets mistaken for Paul McCartney, Rob has recently started quiffing his hair like a mini Morrissey (minus the bad stuff) and Joe looks like he was in a band who once had a 50-word review in the NME, so our references are hardly high fashion.

Also, a couple of rules: No performance-enhancing drugs are allowed, and being bald is not a haircut. Sorry, Pep.

DQ. Antonio Conte

Automatically disqualified due to hair transplant (sometimes it gets a bit too long and straight, too). Sorry, Antonio.

DQ. Jurgen Klopp

He was originally fourth, with the caption: Since he looks like a member of The National, he’s alright by us.

Then we were informed he too has had a hair transplant. Heartbroken.

DQ. Carlos Carvalhal

The weekly ramblings and illogical metaphors have all been a ruse to distract from the fact that he has also had a hair transplant. It very nearly fooled us as well.

17. Rafa Benitez

You know we said ‘being bald is not a haircut’? Well, we can sort of understand why Benitez is resolutely holding on to his remnants, otherwise he would look like the monochrome Dyche, but he should probably just get the clippers out now.

16. Sean Dyche

He may have trademarked the disc beard, but we can’t actually imagine Dyche with hair. We’re fairly certain he was born looking like a Wetherspoons bouncer.

15. Pep Guardiola

It’s easy to forget Guardiola hasn’t always been bald, it just suits him perfectly.

Wins the battle of the baldies thanks to a lack of goatee.

14. Claude Puel

A less luscious Manuel Pellegrini, which is not a compliment.

13. Sam Allardyce

There are days when Allardyce forgets he has hair on his head. There are other days when Allardyce finds bits of food up there.

12. Mark Hughes

A man that has never had a haircut that doesn’t belong in the 80s but deserves begrudging respect for always having a thick head of hair.

11. Alan Pardew

Pards has lost his mojo, and that’s reflected in his hair.

10. Chris Hughton

Chris Hughton doesn’t care about his haircut. We’ve just found a picture of Chris Hughton from 1982 and he has got the exact same haircut as now.

Chris Hughton does, however, have a line down the middle of his hair which separates the black and white halves. Like a half-and-half scarf, or a Newcastle shirt, perhaps. We’re kind of fascinated by that.

9. Roy Hodgson

Hodgson has the hair of a kindly cockney grandad who you wouldn’t want to disappoint. And that’s exactly what he is.

8. Javi Gracia

Positives: Has the exact haircut somebody called Javi Gracia should have.

Negatives: Seems suspiciously Just For Men.

7. Paul Lambert

Lambert’s hair makes us think that he would be able to give you a helping hand with anything: DIY, plumbing, fishing, giving directions – he’s no expert on any, but he’ll give it a good go.

6. David Wagner

It’s like he’s got all the right ingredients, but then he puts on wet-look gel and suddenly becomes the baddie in a rom-com. Also wears a cap every now and again, which we’re suspicious about.

5. Jose Mourinho

A generally haunted look tends to permeate his face these days, but Jose has taken a leaf from his old adversary Arsene Wenger’s book and kept things smart and simple. It’s getting a bit thin on the front, but it still suits him better than the shaved head.

4. David Moyes

Considering how difficult these last few years have been for Moyes, his hair has actually got better, and you can’t give him enough credit for that.

3. Eddie Howe

Your dad’s on the phone.

“So… I’ve heard your mum has got a new fella?”

“Erm, yeah, dad, sorry.”

“Is he… is he trendy?”

There’s an awkward pause.

“Dad… he’s the Bournemouth manager.”

Another awkward pause. Your dad hangs up.

2. Arsene Wenger

Say what you like about Wenger, but for a 68-year-old man, he has a solid haircut. There were times when he used to get a bit too coiffured, but these days he keeps it short and sharp. It’s quite Martin Freeman, which is no bad thing.

1. Mauricio Pochettino

The most cruelly overlooked storyline of the season is how Pochettino – previously so precise and formal – has mastered the slightly messy quiff.

It looks as if he has just got out of bed, but we all know deep down he has spent a good quarter of an hour in front of the mirror making it perfect.

Fair play, Poch. It’s a belter.


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