Analysing every hidden vendetta in Richard Keys’ 2023-24 predictions: Arsenal, Antony, Pochettino…

Richard Keys has dropped his latest blog post containing all his predictions for the 2023-24 Premier League and nobody is safe – just ask Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool and Manchester United…

Thousands of miles away from the action in Qatar, Keys has carved out a niche for himself with his baseless vendettas, Patridge-esque delivery and impressive ability to transcend club rivalries as a figure that fans love to hate.

We’ve taken the pleasure of trawling through Keysie’s latest blog post and identifying all the catty comments within.

Arsenal

“Arsenal, who had a really good go last season, but I didn’t ever really fancy them,” Keys said. “Despite the stunning home win over Fulham in August that was celebrated like they’d won the title. 😂

“As I said at the time – too soon guys – and too often as it turned out. Mature teams that are used to winning don’t behave like Arsenal did.

“That was more than half of their problem. Time and again they’d lose focus. Celebrations were too long, loud, frequent and premature. Immature would be another good word.”

Let it go, Keysie.

Mikel Arteta

“I hope Arteta behaves a little better as well, although his emotional tale last week about nearly quitting after failing to win the title was worrying,” the former Sky Sports presenter continued. “Why? What’s the point of telling us that? It sounded weak.

“His behaviour in the technical area is annoying – and dangerous. The area is marked as it is for a reason. Jump up and down as much as you like within it,” he wrote, hands presumably trembling as his fingers smashed the keyboard at an increasingly loud volume.

“Let the world know you don’t trust your players to do the right things by waving your arms about like a broken windmill all game – but stay within your own technical area – not on the touchline, not on the half-way line and definitely not in front of the opposition area.

“‘Stay calm – and carry on’.”

READ: Analysing Richard Keys’ vendetta against Arsenal and Mikel Arteta

Virgil van Dijk

After venting about Arsenal and Arteta, Keys turned his attention northwards.

“I don’t think Liverpool have got a challenge in them either,” he wrote. “The re-build was necessary, but I don’t see leaders in the team anymore.

“Van Dijk isn’t a leader. He’s too quiet – and selfish. If he plays well that’s all that seems to matter to him. And he didn’t play well often enough last season. I thought he was way off.”

Never mind hot take, Keysie’s observation would roast a chicken in under 10 minutes – without any need for an oven.

Antony

“United aren’t strong enough to mount a challenge either,” Mr. Positive himself went on. “[Erik] Ten Hag has spent more than half a billion now, but not much of it very wisely.”

But Keysie’s ire was saved for a certain Brazilian winger. “Antony was an embarrassment last season,” he wrote. “If ever there was a ‘one-trick’ pony it’s him. Step over, step inside, curl it. 🤷‍♂️.”

Bruno Fernandes

“A couple of other things about United,” Keys said, to the delight of the club’s supporters.

“Fernandes has got to take the responsibility of captaining a great club far more seriously. His behaviour can be tiresome.

“Constantly falling over when he’s been sneezed on, hoping to win decisions is cheating. Proper United captains – Bruce, Keane, Neville and similar – should perhaps have a word?”

Andre Onana

“I don’t fancy the keeper either,” Keysie wrote in the least shocking plot twist of all-time.

“Even before the howler v Lens at the weekend, I’d said that he’ll cost United as many points as De Gea saved.”

READ: We’re calling it now; Andre Onana’s Maguire b*llocking makes him a Man Utd legend

The Glazers

After roasting the club’s manager, star players and new signing, Keysie turned his firebrand delievery towards United’s owners.

“I don’t expect the take-over to get done any time soon despite Rio Ferdinand’s claims that it was ‘imminent’ in May,” he wrote, casually reducing one of England’s all-time best defenders to the status of collateral damage.

“It wouldn’t surprise me if the Glazers are still at the club at the turn of the year. They’re tyre-kickers. There’s a massive gulf between what they want and what the club is actually worth.

“And I don’t believe for a minute that there are ‘buyers’. There’s a buyer. End of.” Yikes.

Mauricio Pochettino

“Chelsea remain a mess,” said one of the most world-class contrarians to walk this earth.

“[Mauricio] Pochettino reckons he’s a far better coach than the one that we saw at Spurs. He’s going to have to be, but I’m not sure what he bases that judgement on.”

*City

Despite tipping them to retain their Premier League title, Keysie refers to Manchester City as ‘*City’ throughout his latest blog post.

“I hope *City don’t win the title,” he wrote. “Five wins in the last six seasons is a fine achievement, but it should be a worry for the rest of English football.”

“So it’s *City for me. Arsenal, Liverpool and Utd for the other places in the top 4. But it could be *City at a canter.”

“One last thing on *City. The season hasn’t started but Guardiola is already moaning. He doesn’t like the idea of having to play for 100 minutes/game.”

All very good, but it leaves avid Keysie followers wondering what the great man has up his sleeve – and the pay-off is glorious.

At the very bottom of the article, he delivers the goods. “*denotes a team waiting to answer 115 PL charges of financial wrongdoing.” Chef’s kiss.

READ NEXT: Analysing Richard Keys’ strange obsession with Sam Allardyce

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