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Ataturk Olympic Stadium, Istanbul, Turkey. 10th June, 2023. UEFA Champions League Final, Manchester City versus Inter Milan; Phil Foden of Manchester City starts on the bench tonight.

9 of the most disastrous Premier League haircuts in 23-24 ft. Man City, Man Utd stars…

While supporters across the nation are preoccupied with pre-season predictions and sorting their Fantasy Football teams before the Premier League returns, we’ve undertaken a rather more important task – identifying the worst haircuts in the division. 

With the biggest names having celebrity status and dressing room politics forbidding even the slightest hint of slacking off, footballers are having their haircuts on an hourly weekly basis to maintain their image.

Here are the nine Premier League stars who should probably sack their barber at the earliest opportunity…

Phil Foden

At just 23, Foden has pretty much completed club football and will look back at his career with well-earned satisfaction.

But we also reckon that, when he’s old and grey, the midfielder will look at all of those trophy-lifting photographs and shudder at the crime against humanity that’s masquerading as his haircut.

Iconic, but not in a good way.

Alejandro Garnacho

Looking like the fifth Backstreet Boy (ask your dad), Garnacho burst onto the scene at Manchester United and quickly became a fan’s favourite with his clutch tendencies and fearless attitude.

But he also got inexplicable tattoos in the style of Brooklyn Beckham. Halfway through last season he bleached his hair and started doing Ronaldo’s annoying ‘Siuuuu’ celebration.

His bottle-blond bowel cut does him no favours – except scaring opposition defenders and baiting Proper Football Men.

Harry Wilson

The world has gone Barbie mad after the box-office smash was released last month, but perhaps nobody has embraced the craze quite like Harry Wilson who looks uncannily like Ken after giving his hair a peroxide bath.

‘Cause I’m just Ken
Anywhere else, I’d be a ten
Is it my destiny to live and die a life of blond fragility?
I’m just Ken’

Harvey Elliott

Not the worst on this list, but the trend of mop-on-top-and-zero-on-the-sides leaves men looking like their haircut is buffering rather than complete.

Enzo Fernandez

In fairness to the majority of this list, your teenage and early 20s are the perfect time to experiment with the kind of haircuts that make your parents p*ss blood and employers leave your CV in the ‘shredding’ pile.

Fernandez has embraced experimentation with the relish of a guy that’s won a trolley dash at Toni&Guy. Currently sporting a quiff, last season’s effort looked more like a Minecraft helmet.

We don’t have the capacity for small-talk required to get this fringe squared off regularly.

Christian Eriksen

Men are loathed to admit their hair is becoming thinner than a supermodel’s waistline and resort to all kinds of trickery to maintain the illusion of a luscious lid.

Without picking on Eriksen directly, he’s one of thousands across the country that needs to swallow their pride and embrace the bald look.

It’s got to be better that taking inspiration from Steve McClaren’s hair island…

Manchester United's Christian Eriksen during the pre-season friendly match at the Aviva Stadium, Dublin. Picture date: Sunday August 6, 2023.

Manchester United’s Christian Eriksen during the pre-season friendly match at the Aviva Stadium, Dublin. Picture date: Sunday August 6, 2023.

Trevoh Chalobah

Rumour has it that Chalobah needs to stand under the shower for a full 10 minutes before his hair gets wet.

Bernardo Silva

Silva’s barnet at the Community Shield was eerily reminiscent of being taken to the barbers by your dad and him telling the guy cutting your hair to give you a ‘two all over’.

He’ll grow into it, bless him.

Bernardo Silva during the 2023 Community Shield match between Arsenal and Manchester City at Wembley Stadium, London, August 2023.

Bernardo Silva during the 2023 Community Shield match between Arsenal and Manchester City at Wembley Stadium, London, August 2023.

Tahith Chong

Never go full Felliani, Tahith. That’s rule 101 of competent coiffure…

By Michael Lee


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