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Antonio Rudiger has unlocked new levels of psycho with his X-rated absurdity

Mitchell Wilks •

We’ve talked a lot about Antonio Rudiger and his eccentric personality here on Planet Football, but this time he’s truly blown our minds.

Once known best for his sometimes rash but mostly excellent defensive traits, Rudiger burst onto the scene in Germany and then went on to become a Champions League winner with Chelsea, developing into the perfect profile of defender.

Carefully balancing composure with complete chaos is an exceptionally fine line to tow, and doing so can drive a person insane.

Or at least we’ve drawn that conclusion anyway, watching the German brute turn into quite possibly the most bizarre and unhinged man on the planet.

Seriously, is there something up with the plumbing at Rudiger’s house?

Since joining Real Madrid in 2022, the 30-year-old has had to elevate his game further to meet the lofty standards that come with donning such a historic shirt, but in doing so, it’s made him go completely mental.

The best part is, there’s a method to his madness. Rudiger fears no man in football and has shown us how to stop Erling Haaland, how to kick off with Sergio Ramos and create a WrestleMania event for the ages, and even manhandling Isco like a ragdoll.

He’s football’s answer to Jackass, minus the Lamborghini tooth pulls and excessive use of tasers, although we wouldn’t be surprised if he completely brushed off either stunt.

What is most concerning about Rudiger, however, who continues to prove himself as more of an unhinged rattlesnake than a prime Stone Cold Steve Austin, is that he’s getting more and more insane by the game.

As Real took on Atletico Madrid under the Saudi Arabian spotlight in the Spanish Supercup, his performance in their 5-3 victory wasn’t remembered for his equaliser at 1-1.

Much better, in fact, as he was caught at his bizarre best practising mild BDSM on Alvaro Morata.

Yes, you read that correctly and yes, Morata looked as petrified as one might imagine.

Having bullied Haaland and realised he isn’t allowed to pick up opposition players anymore like he’s in the Royal Rumble, Rudiger has simply resorted to being the most annoying and most kinky man in the game at the same time.

In a bid to wind up Morata, the German – with a smile wider than the sun – heads over to the Spaniard and begins to pinch on his nipple, hilariously getting a sickening amount of joy out of it in the process.

Morata – as we all would be – is angry, but more perplexed at anything.

Has this giant German unit really just come over in the middle of a football game and begun pinching on my nipple? Does he want to kill me, or wine and dine me?

Nobody knows, Alvaro. Not even him.

What truly makes the moment is that sickening grin on the 30-year-old’s face as he cranks on Morata’s chest like he’s desperately trying to tune his car radio in a new area. That’s the smile of a genuine madman.

The guy cannot be stopped. He’s claiming strikers and nipples whenever he wants, squaring up with some of the game’s scariest players and putting on defensive masterclasses when he fancies it in between all that weirdness.

We’re not quite sure how this weirdest man alive gimmick ends, but whether it culminates in a pantomime, at WrestleMania or with him going on a footballing tour of absurdity, we’ll be strapped in and following along every step of the way.

Antonio, we adore you. Just please don’t pinch our nipples. Please.

By Mitch Wilks

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Antonio Rudiger Real Madrid