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Ice in his veins...

Come for the Vinicius Junior hat-trick – stay for the masterclass in sh*thousery

Vinicius Junior is quite clearly one of the best footballers in the world, but being obscenely talented isn’t enough anymore. Thankfully, he’s developing the one key trait that will take him to the very top.

Sure, scoring goals for the biggest club in the world is great and winning trophies with them is the dream, but what’s the point of ticking all those boxes if you can’t learn to truly revel in the success and rub the salt in the wounds of your biggest rivals?

Sh*thousery is a dying art, mastered by fewer and fewer footballers as the years go on.

In an era of robotic team football and personalities dropping out of the game quicker than ever, we cling to those brief but brilliant moments of chaos where a baller forgets their duties to behave like a computer, letting their human side slip out.

Every day in football feels like another argument about how the game is ‘gone’. And while your dad used to sound like a lunatic for spouting that to no end, it’s become harder to disagree amid the increasing volume of money and sportswashing dictating the game.

We could use this and the fact that the Spanish Supercup was played in Saudi Arabia to reminisce about the days of old Soccer AM, Revista de La Liga and the time the El Clasico rivalry felt at its hottest, but thanks to Vinicius’ heroics, we don’t need to.

Alongside an exceptional first-half hat-trick as Real Madrid trounced Barcelona in a game marred by where it took place and why, the Brazilian lit up the pitch with a showcase of flair, finishing and sh*housery.

Enough sh*thousery to give us hope that the game might not be dead and buried after all.

Despite having run rings around La Blaugrana and put three past Xavi’s side inside just 40 minutes to put the game to bed and send the Barcelona legend and his side home with their tails between their legs, it just wasn’t enough for Vinicius.

As tensions boiled over throughout the derby, he found himself the subject of heat from Barcelona’s players and staff. That was the perfect time for him to ditch the media training, throw up a middle finger to all things robotic and watered down about football and give us life again.

Textbook. A proper classic. This is a man who knows football inside out.

Forget the fancy flicks and tricks. Forget the legends and the goals, this is what we come to see. Star players giving it large to the opposition, reminding them of what the score is after putting a hat-trick past them.

We would’ve paid good money for a blood pressure reading of that Barcelona bench at that moment. Through the roof.

It’s not quite the bust-up of yesteryear that wouldn’t have looked out of place in your local on a Saturday night, but we’ll take what we can get.

Vinicius is destined for the very top. He’s got the style, the substance and the swagger to back it all up in the form of winding up his biggest haters with the whole world watching.

The game around us might be rotting, but heroes like him committed to sh*thousery are breathing new life into it once again.

By Mitch Wilks


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