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Chelsea v Liverpool left us with one question: How long before Roy Keane murders Daniel Sturridge?

Michael Lee •

Forget Mohamed Salah’s assist, Peter Drury and wondering why Chelsea have spent £800million on Football Manager regens, the nation was left asking one question after Liverpool’s draw at Stamford Bridge; how long will it be before Roy Keane murders Daniel Sturridge?

Having been snapped up by the broadcaster following a handful of successful cameos last year, Sturridge appeared alongside Keane and Micah Richards for the first Super Sunday of the season.

And the former Chelsea, Liverpool and Manchester City striker produced moments that will have Sky’s social media team rubbing their hands with glee – and your da’ choking on his roast dinner.

We’ve dissected Sturridge’s Super Sunday debut and weighed up whether Keane will smother him in his sleep or invite him around for Christmas.

Stanky leg

Without opening his mouth, Sturridge left an impression stronger than a Neil Ruddock tackle; wearing a cream jacket, a gold chain that accentuated his chest hair and incredibly pearly whites, the former England international looked like the lost Spice Boy.

And it wasn’t long before he produced a reference to stump anyone above the age of 30.

“He is very dynamic, he’s very aggressive in attack, very skilful,” he said about Brentford’s Bryan Mbeumo. “Prone to making defenders do the stanky leg. I don’t know if you know what that is?”

When Micah Richards, who must be worried that his former City team-mate has stolen his shtick, asked what that was, Sturridge replied: “You know what it is. It’s putting your leg out and not being able to get the ball, basically. The stanky leg.”

Of course. Twenty years ago, that would’ve been Keane’s cue to snap Sturridge’s stanky leg into tiny pieces and feed them to Triggs, but the professional grump played it relatively cool.

Keane impression

Luckily, that was the appetiser before Sturridge laid on a smorgasbord of through-the-looking-glass punditry that had a certain demographic vowing to cancel their Sky contract.

Following in the footsteps of Ian Wright (England v Croatia, 2018), Sturridge laughed in the face of the devil by imitating Keane’s Cork accent.

In fairness, we can’t hear the word ‘baby’ and resist the urge to play Keane’s memorable tirade against Andy Robertson on repeat.

And we’d forgotten how Richards, Gary Neville, Jamie Carragher and present Dave Jones remained silent to allow the Irishman the space to deliver the Edinburgh-winning punchline.

We digress. Keane has shown signs of mellowing in recent months – the United kit launch, his joyous one-liners on The Overlap, wearing a hoodie on live television – and football’s Malcolm Tucker smirked this one off.

Trent

“Keep it funky with your boy,” is how Sturridge opened his interview with Trent Alexander-Arnold, channelling the energy of Home Counties roadman on a grad scheme at Deloitte that unironically says ‘no cap’ in front of a client.

Alexander-Arnold laughed along with his former team-mate. Stood frozen between the pair, giving an uncanny impression of a Victorian chaperone, Keane said nothing but could visibly be seen counting the minutes until his ordeal was over.

£150million

All Sky pundits defer to Keane – even Diary of a CEO’s Gary Neville transforms into a nervous schoolboy in his presence – and Sturridge laid on the Lurpak by saying the former Manchester United captain would be worth £150million in today’s transfer market.

“An absolute terror of a midfielder,” he claimed while Keane came close to blushing. Behind the caricature, he’s a shy man at heart.

Usher

As the broadcast drew to a close, Keane was mentally ordering his Chinese before Sturridge delivered his piece de la resistance.

Some watchers will have known the 33-year-old often breaks out into song, dusting his analysis with angelic vocal cords, but nobody expected him to launch his Usher tribute act live on air.

“‘It’s seven o’clock on the dot, I’m in my drop top, cruising the streets…'” sang Sturridge as he performed ‘Nice and Slow’ while Keane’s desire for the Stamford Bridge pitch to turn into quicksand emanated from his every pore.

Poor Roy, he’s only just got used to Micah Richards. This was a whole new ball game.

But the fearsome pundit couldn’t hide a sly smile as his colleagues dissolved into giggles around him. Perhaps he’ll offer his own ‘Confessions’ before the season is out.

“Where did it all go wrong?” Keane asked. We should be asking how Sky got it so right.

By Michael Lee

READ NEXT: A tribute to Daniel Sturridge, an underrated Premier League legend

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