Nottingham Forest's Jonjo Shelvey ahead of the Premier League match at the City Ground, Nottingham.

A forensic analysis of Jonjo Shelvey’s hopeless YouTube compilation-inspired afterparty

Professional footballers have a knack for being some of the best partyers on the planet, but Jonjo Shelvey might have just completed the game and taken the cake.

In a world where the stakes are immensely high and the pressure is constantly on to perform at the highest level, with fans’ hopes on the line and your body being tortured every week for 15 years throughout a professional career, it’s no wonder footballers are known for loving a bender on their off days.

We’re all human at the end of the day. And no alcohol-consuming, party-going human can resist the occasional shout of an afters following a night out, no matter how silly and inevitably regrettable they are the following day.

You know the ones. Quiet pint or two to mark the end of the working week. Nothing silly.

Fast forward four hours, two pints have turned into ten, you’ve done a mini-setlist on the karaoke at the local, there’s a taxi to town being ordered and your mate’s chirping up about an Airbnb he’s got booked for the weekend by happenstance.

Suddenly, you’re coming around a bit and a glance at your phone reads 3:54am. Eh? How’s that happened? Nightmare. Ah well. Out now. One at the afters can’t hurt before heading home.

That’s where it gets really sticky. But Nottingham Forest’s Shelvey has turned sticky into sensational with clips that have surfaced of his own afterparty shenanigans, more akin to a fever dream.

Time for us to grab the detective hat and investigate.

Booting up the Firestick with Chris Wood – and a female visitor

Home from wherever the night has taken them, an (un)lucky lady has the (dis)pleasure of being stuck in what appears to be a swanky apartment in Nottingham, with none other than Forest stars Shelvey and Chris Wood, both of whom had signed from Newcastle United in the last year.

Unable to quite believe what was going on, the lady documents the night through a series of short clips and pictures. The first clip shows Shelvey melting into a couch, gripping his mobile for dear life and squinting at it furiously, as only Shelvey could.

She pans to her left, where it appears Wood is sitting patiently, his eyes firmly glued to the giant flat-screen television sitting in front of the trio. Anticipation is high as Shelvey tries to figure out this play through your phone malarkey.

Poor lass has probably just asked for a drink, or better yet a taxi home or place to get her head down for the night. But no, Woody’s telling Jonjo to get the 80s tunes on, while Jonjo’s insistent that she’s asked to see his Newcastle highlights.

It’s guesswork, but educated. That’s our job, here. Fill in the blanks. Because there’s no chance in hell that Shelvey has brought home a woman who’s been desperately asking him to reel out the YouTube compilation.

Jonjo Shelvey | The Playmaker

Got it working, didn’t he?

An astounding turn of events sees this already bizarre afters reach another level of strange, as an image emerges of the lady sitting on a couch between Shelvey and Wood as the three of them enjoy a YouTube highlights package of the midfielder, hilariously named “Jonjo Shelvey | The Playmaker (Skills & Goals Newcastle United)”.

On the surface, many would say this is a rather desperate experience at this point.

But imagine being able to bring someone home after a night out, search yourself into YouTube and whack on highlights of you tucking one away against Manchester United, or spraying a range of passes from the middle of the park? We rate it.

Incredibly unorthodox, and probably prompted the most painfully awkward five or so minutes imaginable, but hilarious nonetheless.

Few things to note, here. Firstly, the fact Shelvey went back to his Newcastle days for a highlights reel. The image shows that the video is four years old and has around 71k views. We reckon Shelvey makes up at least 65,000 of those.

Secondly, you have to question the objective of the task. What was Shelvey looking to achieve? Impress the guest he’d brought home? Share a laugh with Wood? Either way, it’s seriously textbook afters behaviour.

‘Put that compilation on lad’ as the birds start chirping outside. Nightmare inducing.

Jesse Lingard makes it three

Just as the story unfolds and it appears this lady has been stuck in the most sensational yet simultaneously head-spinning afters scenario ever imaginable, it takes another turn.

The video isn’t quite clear enough to be decisive, but she points out that another man enters the living room, namely Jesse Lingard. We cannot confirm nor deny this as unfortunately the footage is blurry and we weren’t in attendance.

Let’s roll with it, though, because that is exceptional. Where on earth has he been while the three of them tuned into Shelvey’s Newcastle highlights?

It appears they’ve got a film on or something at this point, or a bit of normal telly. The video is captioned ‘Lingard’s here’ and depicts him shaking Shelvey’s leg like a needy child, decked out in the most textbook afterparty clobber imaginable.

Sitting on his head is a hat, with the hood from his hoodie falling over the back of it, complete with a pair of shorts that look fit for a canoe safari. An already hilarious series of events has just become GOATed.

A deleted tweet from the user’s account suggested that he wanted to play spin the bottle, too. Exceptional.

This poor lady and three footballers sat on the floor of an Airbnb, aimlessly spinning a bottle as the situation becomes less thrilling and more devoid of sex appeal with each spin and glimpse of sunrise from the windows.

Now that is football heritage, right there. And the recipe for the perfect afterparty.

By Mitch Wilks

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