Hamburg's Daniel Heuer Fernandes is consoled after scoring an own goal in the derby.

Go the the Hamburg derby for the culture & stay for the most batsh*t crazy own goal of 2023

The beautiful game over in Germany goes much further than cool kits, drinking in stands and famed history. One of their most culturally rich derbies has given us a moment football will never forget.

One of many fallen giants in the German game, Hamburg have been scratching and clawing desperately in their bid to try and return to the Bundesliga since being relegated in 2018 for the first time in their history.

And while it’s been sad to see yet another glorious club fall down the pyramid and languish in the second tier despite their legacy, it has contributed to one of the most stacked second tiers in the world with the 2. Bundesliga, and crucially, gifted us the return of the Hamburg derby.

The Hamburg derby, contested between Hamburg and city rivals St. Pauli, is one for the most hipster of hipster football fans.

We’re talking Dr. Martens with swapped-out laces, reworked Dickies trousers, Carhartt jackets you’ve robbed from your dad and masters in splitting the G on a Guinness.

That’s only the tip of the iceberg, too.

Entrenched in historic footballing and political rivalry, the derby has years and years of needle behind it. And while it’s a shame it’s taking place in Germany’s second division, it doesn’t lose any of its charm.

In fact, it makes you more hipster for going over there to watch Hamburg and St. Pauli butt heads while they’re both down there.

We’re not here to champion football hipsters today, though, because St. Pauli are pretty much holding that crown hostage.

What we’re here to talk about is the most recent meeting between the two city rivals, a 2-2 draw, which gifted us quite possibly the most absurd, mind-boggling own goal you could possibly fathom.

It’s borderline unfathomable. That batsh*t crazy.

The spoils were eventually shared at the Millerntor-Stadion, but not without a second-half comeback from visitors Hamburg who had fallen behind to a goal from vintage shirt, tatted heartthrob Jackson Irvine and an own-goal.

Brace yourself.

Not even FIFA (EA FC 24, if we must) or Football Manager would throw up scripting so ridiculous. If they did, there’d be a nasty controller-smashing pandemic.

That is outrageous. We’re as speechless as Daniel Heuer Fernandes’ teammates.

With Hamburg attempting to play their way out of a press inside their own box, Fernandes has to rescue a slightly skewed pass from his central defender that was heading towards his empty net, the keeper having taken up an incredibly stylish position to the left of his goal.

Instead of just taking a touch, though, Fernandes doesn’t quite realise he has the time that he has. In not realising that, he somehow defies science and shanks a tame, almost dead ball into the back of his own net from an improbable angle.

Absolute nightmare. It was genuinely easier to clear. Anywhere but the net, Daniel. Anywhere. Someone should probably check his Bet 365.

It’s like watching your dad trying to set off cheap fireworks in the back garden on bonfire night. Your mum wincing from the kitchen window, then screeching as the ‘cosmic military airdrop 200’ makes a B-line for the fence and burns a hole straight through it.

Cheers, son’s crying. Nice one.

With one wild swing, Fernandes and Hamburg had almost felt the full force of playing with fire.

Thankfully, second-half goals from Robert Glatzel and Immanuel Pherari rescued a point and gave spectators a fiery game to get stuck into, but the chaos had already ensued.

We highly doubt that a more outrageous and completely unnecessary own goal will be scored in 2023 – or probably even 2024.

By Mitch Wilks

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