Look everyone: Harry Kane has already stolen the souls of Bundesliga defenders
The noise surrounding Harry Kane’s move to Bayern Munich on social media has been the kind of gentle mocking that underpins the very essence of Englishness.
You see, English people generally aren’t used to success. The majority of us, including your humble writer, wallow in lower-league sadness while secretly yearning for better.
And the natural reaction to one of your compatriots achieving stratospheric success is to quietly bide your time and wait for fate to prevent an opportunity for banter.
Despite being a superstar, Kane feels relatable. A twist of fate away from living on your Barrett Estate, parking his 4×4 on the driveway after a busy day as a recruitment consultant and playing 5-a-side with his mates from school.
His reaction to joining Bayern was disarmingly normal; a mixture of baffled and awe-struck after landing in Munich, like a YouTuber that’s accidentally transported themselves back to Tudor England, the platitudes genuine.
But Kane’s defection from Tottenham in the hunt of silverware turned many English observers have become avid Dortmund backers. Why? Allow us to channel our inner Jay Cartwright and answer: “Funny.”
Sadly for the haters, his debut was enough to underline why Bayern broke their transfer record for the 30-year-old.
At an atmospheric Weserstadion, where the Werder Bremen supporters created a din worthy of the Coliseum, Kane took four minutes to thread an eye-of-the-needle pass to the onrushing Leroy Sane. The net bulged seconds later.
But Bremen refused to tug the forelocks of their illustrious opponents, shovelling themselves into tackles and picking passes with GPS accuracy. Kane drifted to the edge of proceedings and bided his time like a Bond-esque assassin.
Just as Bremen clambered on top of proceedings, Kane injected the killer venom. Latching onto a superb pass from Alphonso Davies, the England captain gave Jiri Pavlenka the eyes before stealing his soul like a Dementor and dragging his shot into the bottom corner.
Yep, it’s safe to say Kane will probably make a good fist of this Bundesliga lark.
BREAKING: Harry Kane has scored on his first start for Bayern Munich ⚽⤵ pic.twitter.com/zK6u9ODvoE
— Sky Sports News (@SkySportsNews) August 18, 2023
“I didn’t want to get to the end of my career with regrets at not experiencing different leagues and cultures,” Kane said at his unveiling last week.
“I spent my whole career in England and the Premier League, so it may take a bit of adapting to get used to a new league. As you saw yesterday with Leipzig, there are some great teams in this league and it is going to be a real challenge.
“I know people expect Bayern to win the league every year, but I think teams are improving and it is getting tougher.
“For me, it is about settling in, getting as comfortable as possible and understanding the different teams and how I need to adapt.”
Asked about leaving Spurs, Kane added: “It was always going to be a tough decision. Ultimately, I’m a professional, I’ve always pushed myself to my limits and the time was right.”
While the internet chuckled at his underwhelming Super Cup bow – no goals, no trophy, a million memes – tonight’s Bundesliga bow was more indicative of his world-class ability.
Already, Bayern look more like their boa-constrictor selves. While the rest of Germany’s top flight is already resigned to their fate, the usual Champions League juggernauts will have felt a shudder down their spines.
Back in England, the reaction will be one of grudging approval. And Kane will know there’s no bigger compliment than that.
By Michael Lee