Luis Suarez of Gremio during the match between Gremio and Cruzeiro, for the Brazilian Serie A 2023, at Arena do Gremio Stadium, in Porto Alegre on August 27.

Luis Suarez getting sh*thoused in Brazil is the most glorious thing you’ll see all season

Luis Suarez is undoubtedly one of the greatest strikers of his generation, scoring tons for Liverpool, Barcelona and Uruguay throughout the 2010s. He was also a Hall of Famer sh*thouse, meaning any footage of him receiving the same medicine should be treated like an oasis in the Sahara.

Whether he’s making enemies of the entire nation of Ghana, viewing centre-backs as drumsticks from KFC or protesting for handball against opposition goalkeepers, Suarez has kept fans entertained with his relentless brand of the dark arts.

Even Sergio Ramos, whose antics introduced the world ‘sh*thousery’ into common parlance, looked like a naive work apprentice whistling as he skipped down the road for some tartan paint and a long reach when compared to Suarez.

So seeing an opponent dish it out to Suarez was a bit like Harry Potter using Severus Snape’s own spells against him in the Half-Blood Prince; amusing, but probably misguided.

As Gremio tried to protect their 1-0 lead against Cruzeiro before their half-time oranges (or whatever the Brazilian equivalent is), Suarez felt a defender’s breath on his back and fell to the floor quicker than an apple onto Issac Newton’s head.

Sat on his bum, with arms flailing helplessly in the air, the Uruguayan looked uncannily like a toddler demanding to get down from his high chair. One of his boots separated from his foot, presenting his opponents with the opportunity to do the funniest thing ever.

And Cruzeiro defender Marlon is clearly a scholar of comedy, judging by his decision to toss Suarez’s boot off the pitch and activate the former Liverpool’s striker’s beserk mode. Definitely worth a yellow card.

Suarez has generally been a huge success since joining Gremio in January 2023, but rumours have circulated that the former Barcelona star will terminate his contract early after persistent problems with his knee.

“I feel that next year I will not be able to perform due to my fitness and the high demands of the Brazilian championship, which is why the club and I have spoken about ending my contract (with Gremio) a year early,” Suarez said last month. “That would in December. The club agreed and I’m grateful to them.

“I don’t know if I’ll continue to play somewhere else because I have a chronic issue with my knee that you all know about.

“I’d ask Gremio supporters to value the fact that they have a 37-year-old player who always plays despite having a lot of pain in his knee. That’s all I ask.

“I’m well aware that Inter Miami spoke with Gremio and that the club told them that I have a contract. I can say that (Inter Miami) has not spoken to me.”

Yes. In the least surprising news of 2023, Suarez has been heavily linked with a move to Inter Miami. The attraction is obvious, considering the presence of former team-mates Lionel Messi, Sergio Busquets and Jordi Alba in the MLS.

And the thought of Messi and Suarez rolling the years back, even though Messi has shown he doesn’t need a partner in crime to do exactly that, is an extremely tantalising one.

But, until then, we should simply savour football’s Severus Snape receive a taste of his own darks arts medicine.

By Michael Lee

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