Richard Keys at the Football Extravaganza at the Grovesnor House Hotel, London, Tuesday, March 22, 2011.

Send help – we’ve found ourselves agreeing with Richard Keys’ blog and we’re scared

If you’ve been a reader of the site in the past or, you know, you’re generally a sound individual, you’ll probably share our opinion that Richard Keys is a bit of a loser.

Best known for his time as a Premier League pundit on Sky Sports as one half of your dad’s favourite dynamic duo with Andy Gray, these days the pair poke and prod from a distance with beIN SPORT, having been exiled from all other reputable broadcasters.

We don’t need to explain why.

You’ve probably not missed him all that much. Still, if you’re unfortunate enough to be terminally online like us at Planet Football, you’ll likely be aware of the infamous blog that he writes when not picking up a wage from the Middle East for publicising his lack of ‘ball knowledge’ and his bizarre obsession with Sam Allardyce on beIN.

If you’re unaware of our Keysey’s blog, you are missing out. Big time. We mean that wholeheartedly.

Often littered with more questionable opinions and even more spelling, punctuation and grammar mistakes – ironically often making it read like a text from your dad – there is a strange charm to his musings.

By ‘charm’ we mean they’re great for some light-hearted entertainment to laugh at if you’re feeling a bit rubbish.

This week, though, we hit a very dangerous point in the simulation. A point we never thought we’d be able to reach.

We hit the point where the stars aligned and we found ourselves unironically agreeing with one of Keysey’s ever insightful blog entries. Dear God.

Titled ‘Every f*cking week….’ but without the asterisk for added edgelord effect, Keys this week decided to chime in on the neverending debate surrounding match officials and VAR in English football.

You know that saying about a broken clock being right twice a day? Yeah, we’re in that ballpark.

Here we are again. Every fucking week. It simply isn’t good enough. It can’t go on. I repeat what I said recently – our current crop of match officials aren’t fit for purpose. They’re hopeless. And they’re ruining the best league in the world.”

An exceptionally strong opening paragraph. You know what? Let him cook.

If we truly believe in free speech why can’t a coach tell us how he feels post match?”

And it’s gone. Was fun while it lasted.

Fear not, though. While his third paragraph appeases your dad to no end by harping on about free speech, we somehow avoid descending into the murky-watered chaos of vaccinations and other conspiracies.

Instead, Keys continues with his rant about the injustice Arsenal were victims of as they lost 1-0 to Newcastle thanks to that controversial Anthony Gordon winner, where the ball appeared to go out of play in the build-up.

Whether the ball entirely crossed the line or not, the point was that at previous points in the season, that very same incident had resulted in goals being disallowed. This time, it wasn’t and The Magpies collected all three points.

Keys explains how he believes Mikel Arteta was well within his rights to express his frustration over ‘one of the most outrageous injustices [he’s] seen on a football pitch this season – and there’s a few to chose from.’

That’s his poor spelling of ‘choose’ by the way, not ours.

READ: Analysing Richard Keys’ strange obsession with Sam Allardyce

He continues, stating that it’s all ‘such bollocks’ about how we as fans are unable to hear the conversations that take place between officials during these decisions if there’s nothing to hide, with chaos not enough of an excuse to not give us that audio.

Can you see why we’re reluctantly reading along and begrudgingly nodding our heads now?

The blog continues with Keysey and his big hairy paws ferociously smashing away at his keyboard in a blind rage, dissecting each questionable decision from that game.

While we’ll cautiously agree that he makes some good points regarding the overall inconsistency and lacking quality of officials, and the subsequent protection of them despite their limitations, it’s important to stress that this still – crucially – reads like a textbook ‘Richard AJ Keys’ blog entry.

Notably, with this exceptional bit of spelling and grammar: “Was a Gordon off-side. Who knows? Somehow there wasn’t a camera angle to prove one way or the other.”

‘a Gordon’ and ‘off-side’ are the appetisers before the main event of the extremely rogue full stop where a question mark should’ve been. He’s a maverick, alright.

At this point, we’re deep into the article and with every bit of non-standard English, you can hear Keysey’s bizarrely massive fingers furiously clicking and clacking at the keyboard, the noise made even louder by what we can only assume is a deafening silence within his incredibly divorced man cave.

And that is exactly what makes his musings so special.

When he’s not obsessing over Big Sam or popping up too often on the timeline with his generally rogue opinions, the art of Keys’ blog is second to none.

Hilarious and thought-provoking all in one, carried along by the dulcet tones of a deafeningly silent house containing one divorced man and his – mostly – terrifying opinions on football.

By Mitch Wilks

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