A Reddit user has put together a team with three target men on FIFA 23 and it’s absolutely glorious chaos. You’ll struggle to find a more perfect 02:05 video anywhere on the internet.
In the eternal words of Jose Mourinho, this is football heritage.
The poster, Tq_Hype – who may or may not be Sean Dyche attempting how to work out how to revolutionise tactics – published the video and we’re kind of obsessed with it.
“What happens if you play not one, but three target men upfront?” they ask, a question that we can’t quite believe hasn’t been asked before. And thank God there’s an answer.
Lining their team up in a 3-4-3 formation that foregoes any idea of floaty attacking wingers, this XI redefines the concept of launching it forward to the big man up top.
Manchester United’s 6ft 4in striker Wout Weghorst lines up on the left side of the front three, 6’7″ Peter Crouch is the centre-forward and Marseille’s 6’9″(!) 19-year-old rising star Isaac Toure features on the right. But really they’re all just piling into the penalty area – as they should be.
Toure is a centre-back by trade, but frankly who cares? His gargantuan frame makes him the perfect candidate to line up alongside Crouchy and Big Wout in this frontline of giants.
The clip doesn’t quite demonstrate the nuts and bolts mechanics of how the team actually works in practice, but frankly that would be boring. What it does feature is more than one acrobatic effort from Weghorst and about a hundred flicks-on and headers. It’s like Pornhub for Tony Pulis.
And believe it or not, there’s actually some science behind the madness.
“It’s pure RNG (random number generator),” Tq_Hype explains in the comments.
“The most important thing is positioning. I’ve played with a team that has an average height of 6’6/197cm just today. If Hudlin, the tallest player in FIFA this year with 206 cm, is in the back of Ramos he will lose every single time. The crosses gravitate in a way that it’s always 50/50 no matter what.
“Even though I’d loft the ball with power, the ball seems to always come in a place between the top of my opponents and my players head. If you play against a Lisandro Martinez or Cordoba, my striker with 99 heading will magically miss the header completely. The best positions to score from are either when a player makes a run in front of the defender, or like I said when the striker is with his back against the defender. Shoulder to shoulder is always 50/50.”
What better song choice to soundtrack this compilation than Rick Derringer’s seminal 80s hit ‘Real American’? Best known as Hulk Hogan’s entrance theme, of course. This video will make you want to run through walls.